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THERE ARE MANY platitudes served up in the course of trying to end a relationship: “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I don’t want anything serious right now,” “we should see other people,” and “we will always be friends”.
The latter, although perhaps sincerely meant at the time, can be uttered to soften the blow and perhaps is a wish to protect both, ie the dumper doesn’t feel like such a bad person and the one who is being dumped is spared the absolute misery of never seeing their loved one again.
Although you will often hear that the decision was mutual, it’s really rare for two people to want to finish with each other at exactly the same time. With this in mind, ‘staying friends’ may be the perfect antidote to pain. However, if one is still in love with the other or there is some kind of dependency between them it may be hard to separate out from each other properly and being friends just complicates matters, prolonging the process of breaking up properly.
If it was a reluctant breakup for one of them, they may be hoping to get back together and this may prove to be quite annoying to the one who is keen to move on.
It’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves having sex after it’s over. It’s quite tempting to engage in that way and can be comforting to be with someone who knows you so well. Even if it was you that wanted to leave the relationship, it can still be painful and upsetting and sex can be a soothing panacea.
That’s fine if you both realise that that’s all it is, but it can give a false impression that there is still something there between you and again, if there are still strong feelings on one side, it is quite unfair – it’s like preying on their vulnerability.
A normal part of development in young adulthood is the exploration of our sexuality and the search to find The One. Indeed, it is hoped that the experiences we have in relationships will help us become more aware of what we really want and need in a permanent relationship.
When a relationship is over and a friendship is what you both want, it is good to take some time apart from being in contact with each other. Technology can hinder this – with Facebook, Twitter and other networking sites, we are constantly kept in the loop with each other’s goings-on unless you make a point of deleting them. And if you have agreed to be friends, that’s hardly likely to happen unless you stop using the sites yourself for a while.
So why is time apart so important? If it was a serious relationship, it will give you a chance to heal from any pain that may be there and deal with any residual feelings you might be harbouring from that relationship. Although it can be hard not staying in touch, it does simplify the separating process. It gets you used to the reality that you are no longer a couple and helps you to emotionally, physically and practically detach from each other.
In other words, it is akin to re-positioning your ex in terms of their importance in your life and letting them blend into the background where there is little emotional charge present.
Staying in constant touch when it’s over can reinforce feelings of attachment towards your ex, and an unfortunate consequence of doing so may give rise to jealousy if you still have feelings for them and they start seeing someone new – how is it possible to be friends when that happens?
An ex who is still a big part of someone’s life can be problematic when a new girl/boyfriend arrives on the scene and is aware that you have both had an intimate relationship history. It can lead to problems in that new relationship too, ie insecurity, lack of trust and competition between you (as the ex) and their current partner.
Learning to re-negotiate new boundaries (as friends and not romantic partners) is essential if you want to keep them in your lives on friendly terms. You may have been each others’ confidantes, or been stalwarts to each other when the chips were down and yes, they are also qualities that are present in many friendships. It’s really about treating them the same way as you would your other friends and not keeping in the position that they once had.
It might be hard to imagine that you will care less for them than you did when you were together but time does take care of these matters. It’s not that they become irrelevant to you either (although some exes will and you’ll be relieved they are) – it’s just that you’ve moved on and reinvested, not in what once was, but in what is there now.
Lisa O’Hara is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland. Relationships Ireland offers confidential counselling and currently has a special introductory offer for an initial consultation. For more information or to book a consultation you can contact 1890 380 380 or email info@relationshipsireland.com
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I stayed friends with my ex and now im married to her with two beautiful children…
Snap. Exceptions prove the rule!
Same as buddy!
How can she be your ex if your married to her? What do you call the girls you were with before her?the ex exs?
I think one of the ex partners will always fancy the other.
I don’t fancy mine, that’s why we are ex’s
Maybe she still fancies you then.you could be in there.give her a little text let us know how you get on
You can stay friends to the extent of being civil and polite to one another, maybe a text at Xmas or a birthday, if you bump into each other on the street you can say hello and have a quick chat, but calling over for pre drinks before ya head out or 2 phone calls a week, not a chance!! That’s how I define my friendship with exs
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. “Wow!”, I said, “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!” She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! “Yeah”, I said, “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! “Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!” she giggled …..so I told her to fcuk off.
When you get the P45 from work, ya cant be friends with the boss, when ya get the p45 from the girlfriend, ya got to leave it all behind.
Anyone know the type who goes through relationships like there going out of fashion?
I THINK that’s a sign of insecurity?
Because of the fear of being alone…or is my attempt of sociology is way off the mark
I’d rather a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
Hey, im on the lash and had to see what you guys are up to, my friend just went for a slash, so I’ll keep it brief.
When I break up with somebody, I go nuclear. It’s over, you are now dead. Not in a bad way but it’s stupid to think you can be any other way. Move on, you broke up for a reason and it will hinder your future progress.
Start a new life in your terms, do all the things you thought you missed. Have a great night, I love you all xxx
One more thing.
Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.
ADEBAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Words of wisdom from the captain
I’m just keepin it real. It’s all I know.
I live in Ireland ;I get the distinct feeling we are on a regressive path……………………………………………………………..keep looking back at the good old days the foreign stags, the people in suits who wore them because they were not a cut below the rest, internet speeds that didn’t feel that they were being bounced through Langley .- all that stuff , it saddens me in an oh so modern way !
Yep Captain ..lashings of slashes I see !
Big slasher I see
Words of wisdom
Thank you Captain. Thought you were dead
The king is alive!
No they are your ex for a reason
Burn the bridge and pi55 on the ashes if they were not your friend before you started the relationship there is no need to be friends with them after!!
Was with my ex for 4 years,we were both our wfirst serious relationship so when she wanted to break up,it hit me really hard…had that lump in my throat for months after but the worst part was that we were from different counties and I’d left home to be nearer to her so I didn’t know many people in the town.i also didnt want to move home so I was a bit lost afterwards,trying to find someone else but failing miserably…all the while,I stayed friends with my ex which was possibly not a good idea…seeing her with her new boyfriend around the place hurt like hell,then mixed signals when things weren’t working out between them…anyway we got back together 2 years later but it wasn’t the same so we decided that was it.I felt better about it 2nd time around+to cut a very long story short,I got married last year and happiest ive ever been.My ex has been with her partner over 5 years now and we still talk from time to time.If anyone reading this has just come out of a relationship and feeling unsure of what to do,take time out.surround yourself with friends and join a club or gym but don’t dwell on things cos it ll only eat u up…things always get better
Good advice thankyousiralex… Glad to hear u are happily married now.. Jeez i got dumped by a guy who i dated for a year when i was 20 and he was 30.. I was crushed.. But he used ring me up to say he missed me but in reality it was only a booty call.. I was so naive.. Broke me heart a second time.. How dumb..
Anyway.. Dont ever be friends with an ex.. BAD NEWS..
It just doesn’t work…unless its very VERY amicable,there will always be 1 person wanting more and the other person resenting that or sometimes taking advantage of it…hope you haven’t been with him since
Nice story :)
Thankyousiralex.. You are absolutely correct.. One half of the couple will always handle the break up better..
I have little communication with him as i had to change my mobile no. He does msg me on fb but i dont reply..
NO TO EXES..
Im reading this in the upstairs loo in my house cause I got given out to earlier for spending too much time on my smartphone. She must think I have bowel problems. I hide in here about 6 times a day.
The perfect place to play Angry Birds
If there are kids involved then parents should remain on good terms. All to often you find kids being used as a weapon to hurt the other half.
Well said
I’ve gone through a breakup lately, and I was the one that was dumped. :-(
I’ve deliberately not spoken to her since, it’s been about two months now, and I’ve really appreciated having that time and space to get my head in order. Not sure if we’ll stay friends yet though!
If I could add a tip, I’d say talk it out with your friends, I’ve had great support and advice from mine, really helped.
If it happens there’ll always be a bit of ridin’ going on, so best to move on.
I stayed friends with most of my ex boyfriends… Went back to one and yep – he was an ex for a reason!
Not a hope! Send them back to where they came from (Australia in my case and even that’s not far enough)!
Depends on how they break up and how messy it is, I friendly to all my ex’s if I meet them out but don’t keep in contact with them
“it’s not me, it’s you”.
That should tie up any loose ends.
No f@#$ing way!!!
Sorry to hear you and your pug have broken up.
You can’t break up with dog mate.
P.S.
Tell your mum that she will need to move out sooner or later.
Your ok. Dad said you can keep her.
I dont think thats a good idea, my pug doesnt like her!
Still friends with pretty much any serious relationship I had ,and I married my wife after we broke up for months and got back after the odd little session when we were broke up ,we both had other people inbeteween andrealised we should be back together ,over 10 years together now and three kids ,happy man ,and she is friends now on face book with my ex girlfriend ,alls good.:)
I don’t know if I should be worried or not???? My boyfriend is very good friends with his ex, I’ve never thought I’ve anything to worry about but reading all your comments I’m getting a little worried
Clean break is the only way… If you are friends with your ex then either you or your ex is just waiting for the opportunity to have a sneaky one for the road should a suitable drink fuelled opportunity arise.
Worry, worry a lot.
A mahoosive NO.
I had to give you a thumbs down for your comment, just for your use of mahoosive. Enough.
That’s why we can’t be friends Niamh.
Two months ago, I was dumped. It was difficult, of course. It had been a bit rocky, especially towards the end. We both live in different countries, so I guess that didn’t really help much, but we always talked every day.
Since we finished, I was really upset and didn’t really know whether to keep in contact. I ended up giving myself some space. I stayed away from Twitter, which was how we met, and generally just kept to myself. I think I needed it, as I had gotten quite emotionally involved, which made the break up quite hard on me. I’d also gotten very fond of her little girl too, so I felt like I lost two people, not just one.
At the moment, I don’t know where I go relationship wise. I just know I won’t be back there. I still think of her, but overall, I think things are better now that we aren’t together anymore. I like to think we will be friends again, but me being how I am, I tend to put up a shield when a break up/rejection/whatever happens, and it has taken me a long time to come around after.
Things will be better I’m sure.
To be honest,I was hung up on my ex for about 2 or 3 years after we broke up but you know what?(this is different for everyone,I’m sure) after a while,I realised she wasn’t on my mind 24/7 and I wasn’t going over what could have happened differently.id moved to another town and made friends so had kept myself occupied.i made my life go on in a positive way so I hope things work out for you…trust me,if you want it to,things will get better
Time will heal, but things are so raw and painful at the start
Good luck!
Hung up is exactly how I feel. The last time this happened, I literally had to fall off the face of the earth, and it took a long time to get over it. As stupid as it might sound, I was being reminded of her all the time. I think the same thing will happened this time, so it’ll be time to bail out for another couple of years. :/
Anyway, thank you guys for the kind words. I wish you both well too.
I’m still on friendly terms with a few of my ex’s, quite close friends with one or two.. Sometimes you just make better friends than partners.. There’s a different chemistry, so the relationship doesn’t work but friendship works just fine..
Of course, there’s a few ex’s that are most definitely ex for a reason, these are avoided like the plague..
Shanti you’ve but me at ease again
Same here. Some I am friends with and others – well – even after years, what did I see in them. Be easy Izzy.
The only reason you should worry is if you actually have something to worry about, otherwise you are just worrying unnecessarily, and what’s the point of that?
It depends but really if you move on into a new relationship it’s better to have clear boundaries, A male friend of mine stayed friends with an ex(she dumped him) , but when he got a new relationship she was quite jealous and very rude and dismissive and pass remarkable at the new girlfriend. This led to tension in his new relationship, until he started to just cut off contact as friends, and become more an acquaintance. He later married the new girlfriend, the ex was furious she didn’t get an invite to the wedding though,even though it was 5 years after she dumped him.
I came across this from Oscar Wilde ” never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary”
That is the greatest truth because what you accept will continue. If you are dumped you will always look for a chance to go again. If you did the dumping you are only keeping alive false hopes and that’s not fair. Let it go, with quite dignity and grace.
Keep busy and distracted, give yourself time to grieve because it is a loss. A cut does not heal while being played with, nor does a cut heart and the heart is only cut, not broken, it will heal. Can you be friends with your ex? no. Let it go gently quietly cut the ties no pleading, no anger , don’t be a doormat , don’t be cruel but you will meet somebody once you do different things.
Course you can stay mates with an ex! It all depends how u split in first place! You might not talk for a whole and eventually become mates again
My ex broke up with me around 7 years ago, it hit me pretty hard especially as we were both from the same small town. It was unavoidable that I would see her regularly. It hurt a lot at first but time is a healer and a year later I met my soul mate, who last year became my wife. I still see my ex around, she too has moved on and now has a partner. We still chat whenever we see each other but it’s not the same as when we were together and we are both happier than ever. I guess what I’m trying to say is you don’t have to be friends with your ex, but it doesn’t kill to be civil when you dump into each other.
Friends with most of my ex’s but would never consider anything more
keep muvn forward, if it didn work out first tme it wil never be any different. learn from the past
I married my ex
“This isn’t working for me.”
My all time favorite.
Still friends with the 1st and 2nd Mrs.
In a relationship with 3rd Mrs.
This IS working for me.
I think if you were friends with an ex before it developed into a relationship you can revert to being friends after a bit of time. I think both parties need a few months head space though!
When a happy long term relationship ends due to the evil actions of a 3rd party (adult step child) it’s hard to come to terms. It’s better to be in dumpsville than no mans land!!!!
The ole time heals all wounds speech …. Patronising at the time, but very true
If its with the gal in the pic… Absolutely
No. She was a crazy bit@h.
My ex wife put me in this friend zone right after she left me for someone else. I could only accept since my feelings never faded away and I was waiting for any kind of sign to get her back. Never happened, ruined my life. At least I grew stronger and now it doesn’t matter so much but she knows I’m here to help whatever issue she might have…
What are you doing?
Step one: work at forgetting her and try move on.
Step two: you will have forgotten her
Don’t be hanging around “being there for her”. Christ, it sounds insulting what i am saying but it is trying to be helpful.
Ask yourself one simple question, is the relationship worth saving? If so, try, and if the other party isn’t interested then head down your own road.
If its not worth saving, surround yourself with your friends, cry when you need too, party when you need too, sleep around when you need too, and after time (about 4 months in my experience) it WILL b ok.
It is true what they say, todays society prepares us for divorce, not for marriage!
Marriage is just a piece of paper, a party & some expensive photographs.
If you love someone enough to want to stay with them forever then why should you need a cert? Save the trees.
Divorce is even more paper, forms ect. All avoidable.
U can but it can also put a strain on friendships if u were friends first. My advice would be to have a month or so of no contact then meet with mutual friends, never just the 2 of you’s.. That way u mix in the same circles but have the backup of your other friends. And it will get easier in time
When exs are frds it means one party is still pining for the other! No harm when yer both single still and possibility of getting bk together i guess.. But when u are with someone new (or they are) then u def shouldnt be frds with them. They’re in your past.. Leave them there! You aren’t giving the new person a fair chance. That’s my opinion anyway.. No offence.
As wasis sang; don’t look back in lust !
Marriage is madness. If it aint broke don’t fix it like. And in regards to staying mates with your ex, I sincerely think anyone who can deserves a medal! Too heartbroken :(
depends on d break up, if kids involved u shud at least b civil to each other, i hav only had 2 an my eldest 26, both my ex husband and ex partner stay in touch but wud never b wit either again, hav tried gettin back wit both but d underlyin reasons for d split still der, so happily alone, dats jus my experience
Meanwhile, is sane America: http://youtu.be/YihM29OHdRo <
Life is all about good and bad experience
Life is all about good and bad experience. It was all good and lovely when i met Mark, he was a good business man until things become rough for him and his business empire started liquidating. I was a very courageous woman so i decided to sell my inheritance to assist him. We both struggle together and built the business world again. This time around the business was growing from strength to strength. I was surprise one Sunday evening when Mark came home with her secretary and he told me that we cannot continue with this pretense called love. I was shocked and heart broken, i was in a friend, house for three weeks crying all days until i met Nicky my old friend at the supermarket, she directed to me to the Ancient Remedy Temple. I contacted Prophet Aluta and he told me that Mark was been manipulated by some spiritual spirit and he told me to provide some amount of money for the some items which he is going to use to destroy the evil spirit. I never believe in voodoo in my life but i have to give him a trial. To my greatest surprise, Mark called and started apologizing 4 days after i sent Dr. Hunt the money. I was very happy and will continue to be happy for the good work the Ancient Remedy Temple has done in my life. Problems are been solved when good people like Prophet Aluta are on this planet, please contact him through freespellsoltion@gmail.com or visit his website on http://freespellsolution.weebly.com/ if you need any support in any problems in life. I love Prophet Aluta.
One of my ex’s is probably my best friend. We have a 9yr old son but split when I was pregnant. We would never get back together but do enjoy coffee n long natters together
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