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IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics.
Gilmore avoids arrest for impersonating Labour leader
Monday, 16 September
Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore has narrowly avoided arrest for impersonating the leader of the Labour Party.
Acting on a tip off, gardaí raided the Labour think-in in Enfield today but admitted afterwards that it was a false alarm.
“He was acting the Labour leader alright,” a garda explained, “but it was more farce than fraud. No one was taking him seriously.”
“His performance lacked conviction and we would never have got one.”
Doctors fighting to save Ireland confirm the Dáil has returned
Tuesday, 17 September
Medical experts monitoring Ireland’s critical condition have confirmed that the Dáil has returned.
Doctors trying to save the ailing country had hoped it would continue the slow, painful, recovery that began when the Dáil adjourned.
However, this morning came the news that no one wanted to hear. “The politicians have returned,” a surgeon said. “The country’s vital signs have already weakened.”
“We’ve done all we can,” he added. “But there is no known cure.”
“I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time.”
Banking inquiry ‘suitable for children of all ages’
Wednesday, 18 September
The forthcoming banking inquiry will be suitable for children of all ages, according to the Censor’s Office.
Some parents had expressed the concern that the inquiry could be upsetting for children who want to grow up to be bankers.
“Nothing could be further than the truth,” a Censor’s Office spokesman said.
“No bankers will be hurt or even offended during the production.”
“We’ve approved it for general release. It’s basically a more juvenile version of Dumb & Dumber… but dumber.”
GAA may introduce outright ban on ‘Muslim headgear’
Thursday, 19 September
The GAA is considering an outright ban on Muslim headgear next year.
The National League formats in football, hurling and camogie will be used to trial the controversial measure.
The move follows an item on Today with Sean O’Rourke on RTÉ this morning which outlined the dangers associated with Muslim headgear.*
“It can be hard to know if you are marking a man or a woman,” a hurler explained.
“That can get in on you. It can put you off your game.”
* Muslim headgear is RTÉ for niqab
Is the Pope a Catholic?
Friday, 20 September
Amused citizens are monitoring Ireland’s Catholic fundamentalists this morning as they come to terms with a terrible blow to their faith.
Fundamentalists were left reeling after Pope Francis said Catholics did not need to talk about abortion, gay marriage and contraception “all the time”.
“What can he mean? What else is there?” a leading Irish Catholic media commentator said.
“I must look into my heart and ask myself – Is the Pope a Catholic?”
Ireland in the Bailout Years – a trot through 2009-present day through the satirical lens of The Mire’s Donal Conaty – is on sale now here.
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What a wonderful crown Gerry is sporting it that picture.
All hail King Gerry the king of Ireland.
Looking at it from the phone i thought his head was on fire.
At first glance I thought it was a halo. Nearly crapped my pants!
Good ol’ Mary Lou – a face like a smacked arse!
When ever I see Gerry Adams I always here Fr Jack voice in my head. “How did that gobsh1te get on the television”
Not sure if poor Mary got a fright or bursting for a dump
This bearded goat should be tied to a post on Inishtrahull Island, before he gets elected.
Yea jazz why’s that ??
Because he’s a muppet
R S F will treasure this photo!
Ha ha, he looks like the king of the Wee People in that pic
the pope is not a catholic, he is an imposter
Glad it wasn’t me to take that photo cos they would be on the phone demanding to remove it lol
Pope Francis has told doctors and other Catholic medical practitioners that they should be “witnesses and promoters of the ‘culture of life’” and that “The Lord counts on you, too, to spread the Gospel of life.”
He said that the ultimate aim of medicine “is always the defense and promotion of life.”
The Pope underlined that “the first right of the human person is his life”, and that “every unborn child who is unjustly condemned to be aborted, and the very elderly person who is sick or at the end of his life bears the face of Christ.” OooH! didn’t hear him mention that pro-life organizations should cease in campaigning for life.
Fack the pope and the horse he rode in on…….
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