Sign in. It’s quick, free and it’s up to you.
An account is an optional way to support the work we do. Find out more.
CONGRATULATIONS – you are going to have a baby! Most expectant parents have probably spent months preparing for the arrival of their baby. By the time they bring their little one home, they’ve taken classes, read the books, and bought enough clothes and baby equipment to fill an average sized room! Now it’s time to “wear the T-shirt”.
No matter how much preparation you do, the reality of caring for your new baby can overwhelm you. There is so much more to do. When your household grows from two to three, your relationship with your partner is bound to change. You no longer have as much time as you used to, you have to the responsibility of caring for a baby, and you no longer have as much of your partner’s full and exclusive attention at home.
This is a huge change – before baby, you were a couple. Now, you’re parents. How will your day-to-day life change? To start with the obvious, you probably won’t get enough sleep in the early months of your baby’s life. At first, your newborn may only sleep for a few hours at a time, and when your tiny bundle is awake, you are also awake. The resulting lack of sleep can make you irritable and turn everyday tasks and household chores into ordeals because you have less energy and can’t concentrate. You’ll also have less time for work, for yourself, and for your partner. So what can you do to help to make this transition easier?
Being a new parent is wonderful, but at times it can be really difficult and stressful, too. This can generate feelings of guilt for a mum or dad who isn’t enjoying every second of being a new parent. Don’t feel guilty! It is important to remember that it’s OK to want — and to take — a break from the baby every once in a while.
A baby can also stir up surprising feelings of jealousy. Sometimes new dads get jealous because the baby takes up so much of the new mum’s time and vice versa. Dad may feel left out, or even a bit jealous that he doesn’t get to spend as much time with the baby or do as much of the parenting. These feelings are completely normal. Remember, the structure of your family and household has changed completely and will take some time to adjust to.
The new mums have their own challenges to confront. Pregnancy takes over your body and you don’t have the body that you used to have. You will most likely be carrying an extra few pounds, still have a bit of a ‘baby belly’ and larger breasts. This can sometimes make you feel self-conscious and less attractive to your partner. You will also be feeling tired from the extra workload of caring for your baby and broken sleep for night feeds. All of this can make it difficult for you to feel in the mood for intimacy. Be patient with yourself and explain if you feel this way to your partner. By understanding what is going on for you, it will be easier for your partner to be patient and supportive with you.
Your family and friends can, unwittingly, add to your workload. They are interested in ‘how you are getting on’ and love to spend time with your new baby. This is a very lovely and supportive environment but it can be a bit overwhelming. Making tea or coffee, lunch, and even having visitors stay for dinner adds to your workload. So how do you get a good balance? Think about how you will solve this problem if it happens with you.
You may decide to have a ‘visitor free’ time each day or even ‘visitor free’ days. You also should think about which visitors could be of help to you. Perhaps a friend or relative would be great support to you and help with caring for the baby or even with some housework? If you have someone like this, then tell them that you appreciate their support and don’t be afraid to ask for that support when you need it.
Be careful also of all the stories and advice you will hear. This ‘advice’ can be useful but sometimes it can annoy you if you feel that the person is interfering or disagreeing with your way of caring for your baby. Close relatives want to be connected and supportive of your family and their intentions are good so if you have to deal with ‘too much’ advice, how do you stop this but also keep the balance so that the connection is maintained?
You and your partner should discuss and support each other, if you need to talk to someone who is giving ‘too’ much advice, then start with the positives – for example, if you need to talk to either your or your partner’s mum start by saying how much you appreciate the support she is offering you and that you are glad she wants to be an attentive grandmother. You can say then specifically what you want to be different in how you care for your baby. You could say that you want to establish a particular routine, do things in a way that you have decided on and how ideas for parenting and newborn care have changed over the years. Be gentle and keep the connection – you will appreciate being able to let that person care for your baby sometime when you need it.
Even without all the outside parenting advice, you and your partner may realise you have different approaches to parenting — one of you might be more inclined to pick up the baby whenever he or she cries while the other lets your little one cry for a while, for instance. Also, as the workload has increased in the household due to caring for the baby, this could also lead to arguments or resentment about who does more work around the house and so on.
These minor issues can get worse if new parents don’t sit down and talk about what’s bothering them. Communication is the best tool to sort out issues before it gets to a stage of feelings of anger and arguments.
Try to set some time aside just for the two of you to spend time together and keep your connection. As your lives are busier now so it is important that you plan for your time together. Try to make a regular “date” — schedule a sitter and head out to dinner, cinema or whatever you both enjoy. If you don’t want to leave the baby with a sitter just yet, make a special dinner at home after you put the baby to bed. Be creative in finding ways to have time together to connect. Maybe when the baby goes asleep in the evening, you could chat over a cup of tea or even chat while you do some household chores together.
As you enter this new stage of life as a family, staying focused on what really matters will help you through the rough spots, especially in the first few months. You may have always had a very neat and clean house, beds made, clean windows, ironing completed and so on. With the arrival of your new baby, you may not get time to do these things. Try to remember that the most important thing is caring for your baby, yourselves and your relationship. If the ‘standards’ have dropped for a while, so what? Don’t let it bother you as it is not the most important thing and you will get to it when you can.
Try to agree who will do what in terms of household chores. For some tasks, for example, night feeding, you may agree to take turns. By agreeing this, each of you will know what you should do and so neither partner should feel resentful that they are doing most of the work. Also, be aware of when your partner needs some extra support. For example, if one partner has had a very hard or stressful day, the other partner could take over the chores and baby care and let them go and have a nice bath or something to relax them.
We hope that you have found these tips useful and that they will hope you on your first few months after your new arrival. Remember, your baby will grow so quickly and each day will bring new challenges but also, new joys as you watch your baby develop!. This is a magnificent time for you both so make sure that, above all, you both enjoy this wonderful time together!
Martina Newe is director of www.HelpMe2Parent.ie who provide parenting courses and support for every step of parenting. Classes range from antenatal and newborn care, parenting all age groups, parenting after separation or divorce, self-development for teenagers and in-school and community services. Help Me To Parent use the award winning Parents Plus Programmes for courses. Martina also offers private coaching and is a fully trained family mediator.
Have a story to share? Email opinions@thejournal.ie
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
Only seemed like yesterday the values were through the floor. I emigrated during the big crash and bought property/set up shop in another country. Now I’m a happy homeowner & landlord. A fair landlord. This housing stuff in Ireland really saddens me. There will prob be a twin tier society over it. People with financial power will overpay. People without financial power will struggle so badly to live. And live in horrible conditions. Very sad. Emigrating was the hardest decision I ever made. But I’m glad I did. Previous comment is correct. Boom bust is common in some places. Usually places rich in natural resources like oil etc. But it’s not something that that suits the Irish economy. Start building high rises could be the solution here
@Ronan McDermott: well said, not convinced about high rises but you are asking the questions no one wants to answer. Fair play.
@Greedylocks: I hear you about the highrises. Ballymun didn’t work out. But on a small island you can’t always build out. Maybe time to build up. Especially in Dublin. Give people somewhere respectable to live and then you’ll see the real value of these 70s style dumps that landlords are currently renting to people at extortionate rates. The value would be sfa. I’m thinking about quality of life here. As right now it’s not very good for so so many people
@Ronan McDermott: well said.
This is an extraordinary misleading economical model. We are in a cycle of boom and bust. Eventually nobody will risk lending this country money. Vulture funds are gathering to pick the bones.
@Greedylocks: the neoliberal model can only produce boom bust cycles, where the wealthy get wealthier as money is siphoned to the top. So they can ride out the storm, unless they fail to save for the inevitable crash, and those at the bottom pay the consequences. A model based on permanent growth on a planet with finite resources, what could possibly go wrong????
@Greedylocks: the neoliberal model can only produce boom bust cycles, where the wealthy get wealthier as money is siphoned to the top. So they can ride out the storm, unless they fail to save for the inevitable crash, and those at the bottom pay the consequences. A model based on permanent growth on a planet with finite resources, what could possibly go wrong????
A model based on exploiting human vulnerabilities through advertising, and serving the market, always a volatile thing, so that the market will meet all our needs. We see the failure of it all around us and blindly elect the same parties with the same policies to do the same thing again and again as if this one time it might work…….
This has been years in the making by our FG whose primary mission has been to recapitalise the banks. The homeless crisis and the unaffordability of houses is barely a thorn in the side for them.
@Quiet Goer: Surely you mean FFG .. Media not telling the true story again at local elections as FFG lose more and more ground. The people are slowly awakening….
@Willy: sf lost the most ground
We are bubbling our way to another bust.
Note that property investment trusts are selling out now to cash in at the top of the market.
These guys know when to cash in their chips.
@William Kelly: you are correct I’m afraid we will be heading for another slump , housing prices cannot keep going up and up.
It’s only in Dublin though, most of the rest of the country are still below 2013 levels
a housing bubble inflated by the European central bank policy to give money to the banks for free. we on the other hand must pay interest on that loan and the banks make money by doing nothing.
who here knows anything about Deusch Bank?
people wanna get smart very quick to what is going on again……2007
Kensington in London, Upper East side in New York, 6th arrondissement in Paris. These Dublin prices are here to stay. It’s nothing to do with ‘neo-liberal’ policies. It’s to do with supply and demand. Why can the hard left never understand this ?
@Virgil: that’s what they said last time…..
@Gus Sheridan: even with a bust, Mt Merrion, Foxrock et al will still be the priciest housing in the country
Anyone know how many in government own second properties?
@thesaltyurchin: 15 landlords sit in the dail at any given day,but I could be wrong,FG k o Connell has 8 property’s .
Our wonderful banks must be approaching solvency so.
have your say