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“CAN WE GET take-out from Eddie Rocket’s, because Paul doesn’t like the food in our house?” That was the six-year-old, clearly suffering social anxiety around the afternoon’s playdate. Naturally, my first reaction was ‘right, just for that, I’m going to serve snails and frog’s legs out of human skulls…’ But of course I didn’t. Because, not only do we have playdates these days – relentless, regulated social interaction for the under-12s – but we actually care whether the playdate child has a good time or not.
The idea that my mother, back in the day, would ever have altered the menu (cabbage leaves rolled into cigar shapes filled with brown rice and chopped lamb, anyone?) or schedule (lots of minding of small brothers and sisters and general ‘helping’) in order to cosy up to a visiting child, is a bit like thinking Mount Everest might bend down and help the dear little climbers to the summit. Impossible, and against nature. Back then, playdates were rare (and certainly didn’t have an actual name), and far more ‘take as you find.’
These days, they are such a minefield that I know one woman who has the whole thing laid out on a spreadsheet: who went where, when; who was asked back (who wasn’t…); and what various kids’ friends will or won’t eat. ‘It’s just much easier,’ she tells me. I guess it might be, but I still feel a strong urge to lie down and cry when I hear that.
Socially, we pitch these playdates as no big deal. Relaxed, fun, a laugh. Just the same as corporate law firms do with their Team-Building Away Days, when everyone knows damn well that their abilities and commitment to the firm are being extrapolated from the way they react to swinging on a knotted rope across a muddy swamp. Yes, playdates are basically the office parties of kid-land: the stakes are higher than they seem, the waters more treacherous than they look, and opting out is harder than you think.
Food is the biggest hurdle. This is where the Eddie Rockets question comes in. How to handle the really fussy eaters? Ignore them? Lie down on the ground prostrate in front of them and grovel? I have one kid who regularly comes to the house who simply gives me the thumbs up or down, like a Roman Emperor deciding the fate of a gladiator. I put food in front of him, out comes the thumb – up, or down. Sometimes the thumb goes up, then turns slowly, rotates… down. Die, gladiator! (Or in this case, toasted bagel, because it has sesame seeds clinging to its underside). Luckily, I like him.
Another child eats only three things: plain pasta, salted peanuts and roast potatoes. Nothing else will cross his lips. Before his first ever visit to the house, his mother explained this to me, in some embarrassment, then added cheerfully, ‘but I wouldn’t worry too much. He doesn’t seem to starve…’ Most kids will happily consume pizza, burgers, chips and of course sugar in any form. But – before we all run away with that, don’t think they won’t tell their mother: ‘it was great, X’s mum just gave us jelly worms and sherbet for lunch!’ – at which point you will be judged as very irresponsible and possible undesirable.
If a child has food allergies – proper ones I mean, not the kind of ‘my little Xanthia only eats quinoa and goji berries’ type – it is entirely reasonable to ask for a detailed list, including brand names where possible, of foods that are OK. I have been badly caught out by a dairy intolerance and hot dogs in my time; because dairy lurks in the most unexpected places, and goes by a variety of sneaky names.
As for what activities they engage in, this is a little bit easier. Let them do what they want, within reason. Obviously they can’t spend the afternoon teasing the baby, or the cat, but neither must you feel obliged whip them into a series of choreographed North Korean-style rallies to showcase the gloriousness of the regime. If they want to bash toy cars together or just watch a DVD, let them at it.
And finally, resist competitive playdating as much as possible. When the mother comes to collect, do not tell her how you all played ‘Super Eye-Spy’ and Junior Scrabble, or how you ‘gave them all tofu but I was so surprised that Johnny has never seen an avocado before…’ because she will hate you. Rightly.
Emily Hourican is a journalist with the Sunday Independent and author of How To Really Be A Mother, a funny, honest examination of modern motherhood. Follow her on twitter @EmilyH71
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Fed two of sons friends ham and cheese sandwiches, they asked for seconds and said we never had ham before its delicious. Found out later they were Jewish, oops!
That’s so funny Elenor…made me laugh, thank you.
that should convert them…well done my child.
Ha ha hilarious
This article says a lot about the adults , and little about the kids.A little bit of cop on goes a long way .
The other minefield is the tears when your kid doesn’t get asked back.
My daughter comes home in tears most Fridays because several of her friends and classmates spent that day in school bragging about the games they were going to play later at ‘the play date’.
Play dates can be very clicky as parents return favours to each other. I am shocked at how little thought is given to kids being left out.
We do arrange play dates but unfortunately the kids she wants to play with are on other the other play date!!
I was just like your daughter when I was younger, girls are really bitchy and it can be devastating feeling left out.. (If it’s any consolation, I’m fine now and not mentally scarred!) I’d just mention it to those other girls parents and maybe invite them to yours for a play date with your daughter.
I agree Colin. I have seen some mothers choosing who to invite based on whose parents they are friends with. The child often comes secondplace to these people
I read this article whilst currently having a play date (4 boys 7ish) lunch was put up with no input from the demons. They are it all to let go play again. I am very conscious of not excluding so much so I never have less than two extra to ensure I get around all the boys in the class/football team :) in saying that I find it easier than my one 7 yr old I feed them then open the door and they play for the afternoon! (No Eddie rockets tho- maybe that makes my house crap?? :)
One best way to deal with it is to send your child to classes that she will enjoy. For example, if she likes gymnastics, tennis, swimming. I never had play dates when I was small. I went to swimming classes, etc. Play dates were not heard of much in those days. I guess I played with kids after school but it was now and again.
Playdates? WTF? Nothing like that when I was a child.
My kids have playdates every day.
With the neighbours kids, outside with no involvement from adults.
You know, how it should be.
Play dates? When I was a kid our parents just left us to our own devices in our neighborhood.
We certainly never got fed by anyone else’s parents. Being raised that way allowed us to become normal people.
What type of corporate sociopaths are parents trying to groom their children into being these days?
I think they want their child to be popular. I never had play dates when I was small either. You met your friends now and again but never heard of regular play dates.
Hate when my daughter comes out of school and ask oh can this girl and that girl come to our house ??? And does it in front of the mother ! I do be trying to give the eyeballs and say “oh not today we are heading off” total lie !! But kids are tooooo fussy
Well, talk about over thinking play dates! My kids regularly have friends over to play and it’s no stress just a chance for them to play with friends for longer than the 30 min break at school. It is different from when we were kids, more families have both parents working so things have to be organised as opposed to just calling for someone to play.
What does LO stand for? Does it stand for those long words Little One? FFS!!!!!
Playdates???? Seriously since when has having your friend over been given a silly title. We were in and out of each others houses and on the street playing. And we had friends that lived a bit further away to play in our hose after school but it wasn’t called a play date. I’ve had a few mums ask if my LO would like to go on a play date, she’s barely 2 . I’ve said that be great it’d be great for the LOs and sure who couldn’t do with a cuppa and chat. I wouldn’t be leaving her in a house with parents I’m barely acquainted with. Otherwise could see from her face the other mum didn’t mean for me to stay
Eleanor, just read your post out to my husband and we had the biggest laugh today. Agree with author that it is often the parent’s aspirations that rule the whole playdating arena. I have also had the problem of my son asking repeatedly about having other kids over in front of their parents, have learned to be really hard and firm and just say ‘no’ and walk off. Takes a bit of practice though.
They are work for parents. If you don’t provide entertainment the Kids trash your house.
My son was asked to go for a playdate after school. The Dad asked me and my son said that this mates Dad was always bringing kids home for playdates. I am a bit cautious anyway as a rule but one day decided to let him go. He went after school which finishes at 2.30. When I knocked on the door at 5pm to collect him, I could hear the lads running about but no answer at door. After about 10mins, the child answered. I asked where the Dad was and was told he was in his office working. I was not very happy at this stage. I had to ask the child to get his Dad to let him know I was there. Another ten minutes and finally he came out. My own son looked really pale. On the way home my son said he liked the playing but he was starving. He told me that his friends family were vegetarians and his friend gets fruit when he comes from school. Fruit is the one thing my son doesn’t eat so he was given nothing. I was livid. I would never do that to a child. There’s always something you can offer.
How ridiculous that children have to go on “Playdates” to socialise, what ever happened to playing in the street like most normal children do around the world.
Shame on the Social “Scientists” who guilt-trip nervous parents into subscribing (and paying for) this nonsense. Everything you need to know about raising children is built into your natural instincts. If these quacks knew anything, their own offspring would have better outcomes in life.
Time for parents to be parents and not subscribe to flavor-of-the-month-pop-psychology.
Not everyone lives on a street! Where I live is quite remote & there aren’t any children near my son’s age living nearby. Therefore “playdates” are the norm, and are the norm for a lot of rural families. No need for Eddie rocket’s though…wellies, raincoats & a snack usually suffice!
Kids should not be playing on the street.. its very worrying the amount of people saying “whats wrong with letting kids play out on the street “!! Playdates are great so you know exactly who your kuds are playing with instead of letting them out in the “street” god knows who there playing with or who could pick the up
All this nostalgic caterwauling about letting children play on the street and there not being any play dates in our day is like the old man complaining about how telephones killed door to door visiting. Things change and playing on the street would be much safer if there wasn’t so much road traffic. Not everyone lives down the road in a cul-de-sac out in Ballycabbageandpotatoes. Thank gods for that (and telephones and computers and Netflix).
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