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THIS ARTICLE IS strange. It is going to teach you how to be sadder. Not depressed. Not sad all the time but able to have negative emotions in your everyday life and not to worry about them.
A strange thing happened in the world over the last 50 years and I blame America. People began to believe that they should be happy all the time. Never in the 60,000 years that the human race has been on the earth have people thought that before. No matter what continent we lived on, no matter what period of history we were in, people have always believed that sadness was part of living. We have always believed in happiness too but alongside darker feelings. Both came together: yin and yan, angels and devils, happiness and sadness.
And then the Americans came along with their shiny teeth and positivity. Our American cousins have introduced many positive things to this world – and also things that are not so healthy, like the concept that if you were just stronger, better, worked harder, then you could be healthy and happy all the time. Unfortunately, this idea is not just wrong but actively unhelpful.
If we expect to be healthy and happy all the time, what happens we are not? Or if it looks like there is a sign that we aren’t; or if it seems that everyone else is but we aren’t; or we are happy, but are we happy enough? Could we be happier somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else? At the core of this problem is that it is not realistic. As soon as we expect happiness to be constant, we worry about when it will stop. The flip side of expecting constant happiness is worry. And as soon as we start worrying, happiness is already gone.
My experience as a clinical psychologist and much of the research in clinical psychology repeats the same message again and again: things get worse if you worry about them – arthritis, psoriasis, epilepsy, narcolepsy, cancer, heart disease, sleep, depression, stress. Yes, stress. Stress gets worse if we worry about it. But stress is worry. Worrying about worry is a bad idea and yet it is a vicious cycle in which many of us get caught.
Previous generations were better at this. They were more in touch with the natural ebb and flow of life. “This too shall pass” is a touchstone for understanding the world. Communities, rituals and religions were built around helping people through difficult times. But religion has declined and we don’t know our neighbours. We are meant to be in constant connection but we have never been more alone. iPhones and Facebook simply can’t do what community and family used to do.
Modern western culture is based on looking to the future, striving for more and with that striving comes worry. Should I do something different? Should I be different? The antidote to this is acceptance. An acceptance of who we are and where we are.
This isn’t passivity. It is an active engagement in what we have, rather what we don’t have. It is an active pleasure-seeking in the people and places around us. It is social, as it seeks out other people, rather than focusing on negative feelings inside us. It is an understanding, as imperfect as any day may be, that we are living it now and we should seek out what any moment might bring.
Dr Keith Gaynor is a Senior Clinical Psychologist in the Outpatient Department of St John of God Hospital. He primarily provides group and individual cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for anxiety and mood disorders.
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Good article! I think Facebook etc have a lot to answer for in making us feel we have to project to the world a shiny happy image, built on our relationships/holidays/interesting pursuits, as if any of those things amount to real self-contentment. Not to mention how bad it makes people feel who don’t have or do those things.
Yeah but I am a long way from home and i am in contact with relatives who i would not be otherwise (truth be told i would have no more contact with them really if i lived in the same country but there you go)
facebook has many positive aspects is the point i want to make
Yeah Facebook is great for that. I’m not dissing it as a whole, just the culture of unrealistic positivity to which it contributes
I really needed to read this… My god, my life seems in bits at the moment.. sometimes for no reason I just start crying… And feel so down and alone and frightened… And yet there is no reason for this.. It’s overwhelming… and so damn confusing..
Thanks for the article…. I’m going to read it again.
http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/finding-support.html – for links to a lot of the services that provide supports. Just thought I’d post it – it’s amazing sometimes how good it is to talk to a stranger. Take care.
This too shall pass….
Debi – hope things get better
@ Debi.. that’s all of us at some stages in our lives.. Don’t despair.. I think most people, whether they admit it or not, suffer on and off like you’ve described… I know I have and I always say to myself … ‘tommorrow will be a better day’….worry/stress/depression is something I really wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy but I think the majority of the population suffer these emotions so you aren’t alone believe me! Great article Journal ..
The world keeps on turning, it may be on the dark side now, but it has to turn back around to face the sun at some point.
Change always comes, sometimes we just have to sit tight through the darkness until dawn.
Make sure to get outside when it’s light, see some good friends, have a laugh (and a cry), eat some fresh foods and get some rest.
Things have to get better sooner or later :)
Thanks Dave…. I just hope it’s just a silly phase I’m going through. The article gave me some insight. Really appreciate the kind words.
Thanks Joan, The article gave me some insight. Really appreciate the kind words. As the article mentions, we’ve forgotten how to make real friends and as a community we’ve lost touch with those around us… But surprisingly there are still so many good and kind people out there… Strangers but yet still willing to say something friendly and kind.
I think you are a wise person, Shanti :-)
Hey Debi, wow… it’s great you’re so honest. I’m starting to work as a mental skills coach and I’ve been interviewing people and their patterns of thinking etc to get experience. I’d love to interview you on skype if possible? I’ll be using the experience to work with people who have similar challenges so I’d appreciate any help possible : ) Any questions, let me know. Thanks!
Just invite her for a drink Ronan…
Brilliant article.
Here Seanie, how is it you’ve packed in the trolling in the last few weeks??
It’s a most welcome development.
Excellent article.
I’m aware it was not said with complete seriousness, but not sure America is really to blame here, we’ve been very quick to raise a whole generation of our own with overly high expectations and inflated self esteem. We’ve also been quick to believe that taking a load of pills is the best way to ‘cure sadness’.
some pills will make ya very happy Tim , a welcome distraction but they aint legal if you catch my drift
Happiness as an everyday state of mind is an illusion.
I’ll settle for contentment every time.
The American way of eternal optimism has probably landed the world in the financial mess we’re in. Contentment has a lot to be said for it. People always striving for more tend to never be happy.
I can’t agree with you. We were brainwashed to borrow money and consume, banks lended money but for their own gain, Then you have utter pr1cks like inda blaming his fellow countrymen abroad in return for a fat salary and pension.
The same was going on elsewhere around the world. We got stung here more as a small country. Watch wall Street 2 – Oliver Stone does a good job of explaining the reason behind the mess
The creation of the corporate veil is the real culprit.
In fairness, whilst I realise that we are paying a huge price for catastrophic eejitism of the highest proportions, I really dont think that you can trace this human development back to Enda Kenny …
The American way of eternal optimism was not in evidence in the 50 years I spent there. What I saw was the message that “You’re not quite right unless you get one of *these*! Then you have a chance to be happy. It can be a car, a house, a feminine deodorant spray, glue for false teeth, or Coca-Cola. Doesn’t matter. The message is “You’re incomplete without our product.”
Didn’t see too many happy faces at the Kennedy’s funerals. At 9/11. At Hurricane Katrina. Those were certainly “This too shall pass” moments.
Today, Americans are more worried about their future than at any other time I can remember. Enormous debt. Falling currency. Surveillance state/security state. They”re paranoid, inward-turning, and not exactly optimistic. Like the Irish, they’ve lost faith in their institutions–the banks, the government and the church. In God We Fuss should be the new motto.
Couldn’t agree more. ‘Man was made for Joy and Woe; And when this we rightly know, Thro’ the world we safely go.’
Yes i believe sadness is a part of life just as happiness is but should we really be blaming Americans and their “shiny white teeth” for thinking otherwise?
Well maybe not their teeth, but yes.
Great article. It’s a bit of an aha moment isn’t it. What are we doing going around thinking we should be happy every moment of our lives. The pressure to be positive isn’t very positive. Thanks much respect.
all you need is love.
sounds like hippy shite, but if you know some people love you, you can cope with just about anything.
Its what i strive to create for my kids anyway
oh and that means giving the people you love your time and your ears – you cannot do this on remote control
Good article . in times of hardship or sadness,I always remind myself that the time and feeling will pass
It’s definitely a cultural problem and possibly one informed by religion. Catholicism is based on finding eternal happiness, seeking an eased conscience by confessing sins, the Protestant ethic holds that God rewards the righteous with material goods.
Culturally, we place importance on challenging authority, valuing freedom of speech over traditional norms.
Eastern cultures have a more passive outlook and are more accepting of the idea that we are a small part of something much bigger, they place more importance on societal happiness than that of the individual.
Yes, I know you have outliers such as China (who are racing towards western style caplitalism) North Korea (just facepalm really) etc. But generally, if you’re brought up to accept that life ebbs and flows, you’ll ironically end up much happier by using the tough times as a means of embracing the happier ones.
We need TO accept that.
Never accept mistakes.
Agee completely, good article. Teaching people distress tolerance skills is important as too many people spend their existences trying to avoid unpleasant feelings which only prolongs their distress.
‘Distress tolerance skills’
Hehehehe, would that be psychobabble for coping??
It would surely, psychobabble at its finest, took me a long time to learn that..!
And a session or two with a ‘life coach’ …
Good fix, journal.
Maybe he did Dara, I presume you will find out all about that in time when your little world of opportunistic sniping online becomes obvious to you that it’s just a finger or a highlight of your clearly mental issue
You’re not of the Eastern school of thought then …
My oh my, there is a huge irony in the total absence of humor in your post in this thread.
What has you bitter my son? Tell me about your mother …
Good article.
Without the bad times how’s can we ever appreciate the good? Great piece!
Exactly, Michael Looney!
:(
Also facile anti-American rhetoric is very unattractive. Of course there are things wrong with the US – but in my experience with American colleagues, they have an honesty and enterprising nature that is lacking in this country. If anything I think we Irish could learn from our friends across the Atlantic: to be more honest, more authentic and less emotionally evasive.
I find this article a bit tired and minimising, to be honest. Some of us are not just “sad”, we have temperaments which make the vicissitudes of Irish life, itself shot through with injustice and moving goalposts, very hard to bear. I’m not a drummer boy for big pharma, but if we are suffering from mental ill-health and medication helps to stabilise us, then to have recourse to it should not be a matter of penalty. To accuse us of evading the natural rhythms of life is trite, Jesuitical and cruel. And I really don’t see what the internet has to do with it. Of course it can alienate, but it can also bond people together and create wonderful relationships.
The emotion I am happy to embrace and accept is the one of anger, and this article gives me some. He is calling mentally ill people cowards, and that falsehood makes me growl in the back of my throat.
“Despite their continued failure to understand how psychiatric drugs work, doctors continue to tell patients that their troubles are the result of chemical imbalances in their brains. As Frank Ayd pointed out, this explanation helps reassure patients even as it encourages them to take their medicine, and it fits in perfectly with our expectation that doctors will seek out and destroy the chemical villains responsible for all of our suffering, both physical and mental. The theory may not work as science, but it is a devastatingly effective myth” ~ http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/09/psychiatry-prozac-ssri-mental-health-theory-discredited.html
On a biochemical level to help stabilize mood it is diet that needs to be worked on and exercise etc but there is no magic pill to cure Life ~ http://www.foodforthebrain.org/nutrition-solutions/depression.aspx
Sunscreen.
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