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Opinion The unwritten rule that helps stressed parents through the tough days

There’s a casual solidarity between parents of young children that can lift you up on the lonely days.

“WELL, WHAT IF we leave a bit earlier tomorrow?” I said to my daughter on the way into school last week, in answer to her complaint that she wouldn’t have enough playtime before class started.

“Yeah, we said that this morning too, and here we are, running at the last minute,” I heard behind me – it was another mum, someone I don’t know.

“And apparently it’s my fault we’re late…” I replied. “I know, same here. It’s always my fault,” she said. She rolled her eyes, smiled, and ran ahead, trailed by three rushing children, a few years older than mine.

It was just a short interaction; a fleeting connection – a shared smile during the morning rush.

Like the woman in the kids’ section of the shoe shop later that morning, who reacted on hearing me say to my toddler “Sorry, I know you’re bored, I’m the worst mum in the world.”

“You’re not,” she said, “You’re great – you’re here, and he’s here, and he’s great – you’ve done brilliantly to get this far together!” (In life, she meant, not in the shoe shop – though that too was an achievement…)

We chatted for a minute – she had four kids, all older than mine. We went our separate ways, me with new shoes under my arm and a relieved toddler in tow. I’ll never see the woman again, but her comment lifted me during a slightly stressful moment.

Later that afternoon I watched my girls at their gymnastics class, while chatting to two mothers. I’ve never spoken to them before, but in 40 minutes we talked about queuing to enroll in schools and homework and commuting and X-Factor and bosses and kids at bedtime and teething and Ergo carriers and The Good Wife and Thursday night wine and how none of us had anything ready for dinner.

In the seven years since having children, I’ve had conversations like this weekly, sometimes daily.

They’re the chats that keep you going on the tough days, the ones that lift you up on the lonely days.

Chats with mothers who are a few years ahead in the child-rearing game and can pass on a “keep going, you’re doing fine” message with just a few quick words.

Chats with mothers who are at the same stage; muddling along together, nobody knowing the answers. But each gaining some knowledge or confidence through conversations with other mums who are gingerly treading the same rocky part of the path.

Chats with mothers who have younger children – paying it forward – sharing hard-won wisdom, or just saying “It will pass, I promise”.

There’s an intense need to reach out, to connect, to ask and to answer, to share problems, to share knowledge, to vent.

And there’s an unwritten rule that there’s no need to wait for friends or family – it’s just fine to strike up a conversation with any other mother anywhere. A licence to link. A quick tonic for the parenting soul.

Not a friendship in the usual sense – often these are in-depth conversations with people we never see again. But a fleeting friendship of sorts – a universal, fluid thread, weaving through the fabric of motherhood in every corner of the country. So maybe not friendship, but a mothership; keeping us all afloat.

Andrea Mara has three small kids, one tall husband and one office job. She writes at OfficeMum.ie about being a parent, being a mother working outside the home, and being a woman in the workplace. She’s just trying to keep her balance. Follow her tweets@office_mum or on Facebook.

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    Mute Tony Slap
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:37 AM

    Miserable comments from miserable people. Even when you get something for nothing you still moan. You are only happy when you are unhappy. Perhaps a mass underwater protest without breathing apparatuses might be in order.

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    Mute Rob O Reilly
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    Sep 18th 2013, 1:07 PM

    Do you realise that Dublin Port is a state company and the shareholder is the minister for transport ? This wasnt a gift to the state, we already own it ! they gave us something we own and we celebrate. Wow people are stupid.

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    Mute Fergal Reid
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    Sep 18th 2013, 4:55 PM

    Same old griping and grousing. Sometimes you can understand why Cromwell wanted to send us all west of the Shannon.

    Re: Bull Island, replacing the causeway with a bridge would do wonders for the flow of water and would prevent much of the bird sanctuary from silting up beyond rescue.

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    Mute Bernard Cantillon
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    Sep 18th 2013, 10:00 PM

    But it will now be in the hands of DCC, which means it will be owned by the people of Dublin

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    Mute Dom AcePlazo
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:34 AM

    Great idea.

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    Mute Mick Collins
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:19 AM

    A gift to the people of Dublin my arse. Its a money saving venture by Dublin Port thus offloading the cost of upkeep to Dublin City Council and ultimately the taxpayer.

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    Mute Barry
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:27 AM

    mick, its people like yourself that just like to shit on anything good, sure the same could be said for any gift to any country or city

    Kilkenny Castle was given to the city for a very small fee of 50 punts (token gesture really).
    But by your logic you can bitch and moan and say its a burden due to the costs that had to go into renovating the castle,

    France gave the statue of liberty to the USA as a gift, but sure you can bitch and moan the American’s have to pay to look after it.

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    Mute Mick Collins
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:29 AM

    Yawn !

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    Mute Bilbo Baggins
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:49 AM

    Sure if that was their outlook why wouldn’t they sell it to someone, or leave it as it is , they’re not exactly under any obligation to ‘upkeep’ it. At least if DCC have it there is a possibility of it being of use to the people of and visiting Dublin.

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    Mute Morticia
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:21 AM

    Any alterations to the port area could cause Bull Island disintegrate, it is ‘artificial’ as it formed as recently as 1820 -1860. On the other hand it could grow massively ,interesting times ahead for the Bay

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    Mute Darren Callaghan
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:52 AM

    It says it all in the article for goodness sake the key words being “community gain element” of their application for deeper berths for the cruise ships ,we don’t need all the bull all we need as a city of intelligent people who want the best for our city is a proper environmental study done to make sure dredging and construction work won’t do any lasting damage to environment and animal life in Dublin Bay and to make sure that ‘consultant’ fees and costs are within a realistic budget. My bet would be that if Dublin City Council had minimum role to play and Dublin Port Company took the lead on it things would go pretty smoothly

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    Mute Brian Donovan
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:24 AM

    Sounds like a bribe to me

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    Mute Paul Brophy
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:15 AM

    Hahaha genuine smiles in that photo.

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    Mute Declan Carr
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    Sep 18th 2013, 11:40 AM

    sounds like its going to be turned into a dump.

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    Mute Ireland Uncensored
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    Sep 18th 2013, 9:33 PM

    As lon as its still ok to go dogging or sell drugs there then i dont care who owns it

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