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'Often it's the times when I most need support that I'm least able to talk'

Staying quiet about a mental health problem is the worst thing you can do, which is why a new campaign is being launched in out third level institutions.

THERE’S SOMETHING A little bit special happening in NUI Galway at the moment and I’m really pleased to have been able to play a part in bringing it about. A few months back, I was approached by Please Talk, a national campaign for third level institutions which aims to raise awareness of mental health and encourage more open conversation on the subject. As I’m both an Ambassador for See Change, the group who initiated the campaign, and a member of staff at NUI Galway, I was well placed to get the project off the ground.

Mental health is something we all have, and something we all have to look after, but very often it falls way down our list of priorities, and we ignore it until suddenly something goes wrong. It’s not a subject we like to talk about, and rarely do we wait to hear the answer to the standard Irish greeting of, ‘How’s it going?’ On the rare occasions that someone does answer honestly, and admit that all may not be well, we tend to panic. We rush to fill the gap, either with platitudes, or with well meaning but not always helpful comparisons with our own situation. Or, we don’t know what to say at all. Talking about mental health can be an absolute minefield for the uninitiated.

It’s hard to admit

I’d like to think I’m fairly well initiated – I’ve been blogging for almost two years now about my own experience of living with mental health difficulties. It’s been something of a rollercoaster. During that time, there have been periods of stability interspersed with periods when I really struggled. When I’m not well, everything suffers – my ability to be a parent to my kids, to be a wife, to be a friend, to be an employee – literally, everything.

Something that also suffers is my ability to communicate. Often it is at the times when I most need support that I find myself least able to talk. Even now, after two years of blogging about it, and countless conversations on the subject, there will be times when the simple act of asking for help is beyond me, and the old senses of shame, guilt and embarrassment will take hold again. Those are the days when I’ll hide behind my PC at work avoiding eye contact, or retreat behind closed doors at home. Those who know me well know by now that when I go radio silent for a while, it’s generally not a good sign.

What I have learned over the years, repeatedly, (and yes, am still learning) is that this behaviour simply does not help. It feels like the right thing to do, and it’s certainly what I want to do. But what I actually need is the exact opposite.

Admitting to someone, to anyone, that I’m not feeling great is really, really hard. I don’t like to say it to my husband, because we’ve been through so much the last few years and I really struggle with the pressure it puts on him when I’m not well. I don’t like to say it to my friends, because they all have their own lives to contend with. I certainly don’t like to say it at work, because I don’t want to be treated any differently. I don’t like being someone who occasionally has to be more proactively managed. I don’t want my colleagues to feel on edge around me.

Not speaking about a problem doesn’t mean you avoid it

But here’s the thing. Much and all as I don’t want any of the above, the alternative – not saying anything – makes it infinitely worse. Perhaps unsurprisingly, all of the things that I try to avoid by saying nothing are likely to happen any way.

My husband can read me like a book and is generally aware of a change in my form before I am. My friends want to help. My colleagues are very aware of my history, but to date, as far as I know, it hasn’t caused significant problems for them. Some days I’m a little quieter than others but apart from that, there is little they will see outwardly that would indicate there’s a problem. I don’t tend to run crying from the room. I don’t throw things. Mostly I just get a little unfocused, a little forgetful, and very withdrawn. My manager will always notice when my work slips and pull me up on it, but he is also aware of my history, and, over the course of the last year or so, we’ve worked out a reasonable means of managing times when I’m not functioning as well as we’d both like.

I’m going somewhere with all of this, I promise! I desperately want people to help when I’m struggling, but how can I expect that to happen if I won’t admit what’s going on? I need my manager to understand at times when my performance may not be up to speed, but if I don’t tell him, how will he know? How can we take steps to make things easier? It’s one thing to want help. It’s another ball game entirely to ask for it. But if I’ve learned nothing else from the last two years, it’s that putting my hand up and admitting I’m not feeling great is usually the first step to making things better. The key to all of this is talking.

Many people are struggling with similar issues

This is why it seemed such a good idea to try and bring Please Talk onto campus, and why the campaign was extended to include staff as well. Quite apart from all of the above, and what I’ve learned about managing my own situation, blogging has also shown me just how many people are struggling with similar issues. People want to talk to me about it, because I’ve talked about it.

There are three groups that See Change recognise as being particularly vulnerable to the stigma that still shrouds mental health – men aged 18 to 24, farmers and people living in rural communities, and people in the workplace. Please Talk provides an opportunity to reach two of these three populations in the form of NUI Galway students and employees. That’s approximately 20,000 people, who are now being encouraged to talk, to check in with each other, to admit to difficulty, and to seek help when it’s needed.

The response that the campaign has had to date has been overwhelmingly positive, and extremely encouraging in terms of the efficacy of the work that has been done the last few years to encourage people to be more open about mental health difficulties. I really get the sense that there is genuine drive and enthusiasm to bring about change when it comes to mental health. As part of the Please Talk project, a website was set up with a page dedicated to sharing staff and student experiences with mental health issues, and some incredibly powerful stories have already been submitted. Maybe I’m being naive, but I think that this has the potential to be the start of something really special.

Every one of us has a role to play in breaking the cycle of stigma

There’s no doubt in my mind that this will be a slow process – what we’re asking is a major cultural mindshift in a large institution. But with time, with encouragement, with training, it’s possible and NUI Galway is in a unique position to become an exemplar of the cultural mindshift needed nationwide. Each and every one of us has a role to play in breaking the cycle of stigma, and I hope that Please Talk, and the combined efforts of the NUI Galway population, will go a long way towards doing just that.

For more information see: Please Talk NUI Galway or Please Talk .

Fiona Kennedy is a 30(ish) year old, happily married, mam of two, living in a small town in Connemara. She has two crazy dogs, wonderful friends and a loving, supportive family. She also has borderline personality disorder and occasional depression and blogs about this at Sunny Spells and Scattered Showers. You can follow her on Facebook or Twitter @SunnyScattered. Fiona is an Ambassador for See Change – the national movement to change minds about mental health, ‘one conversation at a time’.  

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20 Comments
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    Mute deerhounddog
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 9:10 AM

    Well done Fiona and I wish your project the best of luck.

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    Mute Gemma Shah
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 9:32 AM

    There must be so many challenges facing this campaign.

    My husband suffers from PTSD. Our GP told him not to talk to people outside of our marriage about how he’s feeling.

    People talk about the stigma of mental health issues, but surely most of us have encountered depression or anxiety in some form throughout our lives. Encouraging silence can only heighten the stigma and the depression.

    I really hope this campaign helps people relax enough to share their feelings with the people they love, respect, trust.

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    Mute Martina Jones
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 10:03 AM

    Hi Sean, you’re right, depression is quite different. Feeling flat, closed off, or feeling nothing at all can be very isolating. I suppose this is just one way people have found helpful. Talking about the bad days to someone who’ll listen may not stop it but its sometimes good to know we’re not alone in it. Take care

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    Mute Gemma Shah
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 10:25 AM

    I said encounters not gets…

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    Mute von
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 1:08 PM

    @Sean. Like mental there are many types of depression some people might have it now and then others have the one that comes when you least expect it could be there as soon as you wake up it could be caused by something someone said as people with recurring depression have a low self esteem which can be triggered off by lots of things. I spend my time analysing what people said to me why they said that its nothing to do with the person I’m talking its about how i feel about myself.

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    Mute von
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 1:09 PM

    That should mental health.

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    Mute Olive Johnson
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 9:27 AM

    Fiona hang in there

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    Mute Don't Mind the Gap
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 11:01 AM

    Great article Fiona! I totally get the urge to hide away, i’m struggling with it at the moment. The sense of dread and guilt i feel when my depression kicks in, just makes things harder to deal with. I feel so bad for all my husband has had to endure and the thoughts of admitting i’m not well kills me. Although, he can also read me like a book and knows, sometimes before me, things are not as they should be.

    What you are doing with Please Talk is fantastic. My hope would be that a shift in the students mindset when it comes to mental health will follow them into the workplace. And make campaigns like mine unnecessary.

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    Mute Gwen Denny
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 11:12 AM

    I hear ya

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    Mute Aine Nibhern
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 10:03 AM

    Considering the high level of suicides, including ones in my own local area, the whole system requires an overhaul and parts of “Vision for Change” that have not been acted on need urgent attention eg the need for crisis houses for people who are suicidal, which is recommendation 11.11. A bit like the Maytree suicide sanctuary that they have in London, which was featured in the documentary “Life after Suicide” on BBC 1 during the week., Where it dealt with the devastation caused in the lives of those left behind.

    Stigma is alive and well in Irish society. If it’s not a comment on TheJournal eg “Probably some lunatic looking to get back in” on the story of someone sending something to a Psych unit, it’s a person pointing to their head as they refer to a person in a high profile case that is in the media at the moment. Anyone that thinks it’s going away anytime soon is deluding themselves.

    I don’t think we should go around talking about our mental health to people in general, as you will be treated differently. Especially in a work environment, which can be competitive. There is still a lot of social stigma out there and people can be very insensitive. But at the same time people shouldn’t bottle things up. There are the Samaritans 116 123 or a person may have a trusted friend to turn to sometimes.

    There are people talking in the media quite a bit about mental health. I admire people like Conor Cusask and his honesty. He doesn’t sugar coat things and reflects some of my own experiences with our mental ‘health’ system. At the same time, on the ground level, within communities and families, I get the sense that no one cares. People wouldn’t really notice if you were alive or dead. With a few exceptions. Society and communities have become fragmented.

    Not forgetting that at least 500,000 or 1 in 9 of the population are on “anti-depressants” and/or anti-anxiety drugs. The empty blister benzo packs lying around the streets where I live means I wasn’t too surprised to hear that. At the same time I think it’s a staggering number of people and considering the potential adverse effects of these types of drug far too many are on them. Plus they are quite addictive and can be hard to withdraw from.

    From this weeks Irish examiner ~

    Breakdown by county ~ “The anti-depressant generation” ~ http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/special-report-the-anti-depressant-generation-319128.html

    Our €40 million drug problem ~ http://www.irishexaminer.com/viewpoints/analysis/special-report-our-euro40m-drug-problem-319134.html

    {Do not stop or change prescribed psychoactive drugs / “anti-depressants”, without talking to a good doctor, due to the dangers of withdrawal }

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    Mute Aine Nibhern
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 10:07 AM

    Comment about “lunatics” which got a fair amount of support. When I first saw the comment it had mainly thumbs up ! ~ http://www.thejournal.ie/hoax-package-st-lomans-hospital-2001243-Mar2015/

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    Mute Jimmy Jim-Jim
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 11:13 AM

    This is a great initiative, but roughly half of 18-24 year old males never went to college and are at risk of being forgotten about if the focus remains largely on universities.

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    Mute Rory Stapleton
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 6:47 PM

    If the greeting “how’s it going?” is not replied to with “grand” in Ireland and someone answers with a genuine “I’m not too good actually”. Very few people will take the time to dig any deeper with you. Be very grateful if you have people you can turn to. And if you don’t try and find someone because talking is one of the best things you can do.

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    Mute Clodagh Nic Lochlainn
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 9:43 AM

    I do agree with the initiative! Anything progressing mental health awareness is fantastic! But as the article says, it’s most difficult to speak up at these times.

    A few years back I set up a FB page called ‘Let’s Listen’. The aim of this is that we should all train and develop our skills for noticing when somebody is not feeling well and try to initiate conversation with that person. This allows whoever is feeling well to take that anxiety away from whoever is unwell.. I think we need to look at ups killing our listening and awareness so that we recognise the signs!

    Speaking up requires great strength and bravery, two of the things we lack most when at our weakest, and therefore it is an agonising task! Please sign up for an ASIST course or something similar!:) you never know who you could help!

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    Mute Ray Treacy
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 12:50 PM

    Super article Fiona. Its brave to talk about these things at all. You write expertly and from the heart on these topics.

    I wish the Journal did not use the green and red thumbs on this kind of topic.

    In my opinion a like button would be enough. The two options immediately look like everyone is judging each other in a popularity contest. Personally I hate that, particularly when mental health is the topic. Its brave of people to make an honest comment from their own experience without fearing negative reactions.

    It seems wired into social media that many people jump to be negative or insensitive.

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    Mute Valerie Walsh
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 6:58 PM

    I agree talking about difficulties can help but it has to be with the right people. When I was open in the workplace I got shunne by many and created an atmosphere within the team. This isolated me more and made me feel like I had n0o worth. Unfortunately people can be very judgemental and ignorant.

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    Mute Gaeltán
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    Mar 22nd 2015, 10:47 AM

    An-mhaith agus go n-éirigh libh sab Olscoil. Nár cheart a leithéid de ruda a bheith i ngach scoil agus ionad oibre ae fud na tíre. D’fhéadfadh an tír seo bheith mar cheannródaí don domhan mór. Grá agus bláth. :))

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