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We need to talk more about relationships, consent and sexual violence

A recent survey in UCC found that many students have worrying gaps in knowledge about sexual violence.

EVERY ONCE IN a while I try to explain sexual violence to my parents. It doesn’t always go particularly well, and I keep telling myself that I have to stop bringing it up at the dinner table.

The latest episode in this saga saw me explaining that it is generally better for people to err on the side of caution by not touching others in social settings and that, given the usual environment of wolf whistles, derogatory comments (I was called a slut last week for looking out the sunroof of a car that was being driven by a man) and cat calls, it is quite reasonable for some people to express a general fear of other people. I am afraid of some people, as much as there are others whom I love.

Many of us are told to put up with it and move on

These revelations were met with silence, which was how I realised that my words had made an impact – a rarity (I’m beginning to get used to being brushed off as a faint-hearted college-educated liberal; when I insist that something is actually true I think most people believe I’m just making it up). And then the inevitable question: has something happened to you?

The truth is that something has happened to me, but it’s not the reason that I call myself a feminist or am committed to gender equality. Last year I was standing on the steps of the Court House in Cork city and a man put his hand between my legs. I didn’t confront him – even though there was a Garda standing about five feet away and I could have said something – and I never reported it. It didn’t seem that significant at the time and it doesn’t bother me on a day-to-day basis. But the scary part is that I know these incidents happen all the time and that many of us are told simply to put up with it and move on. “That’s just the way of the world; you can’t change everything,” as many parents would probably say.

Teaching people about boundaries

But that is not quite true. Know Offence is a group of university students aiming to raise awareness of sexual violence and help those affected by it. The group provides information about essential services for both men and women, and in this way helps to dispel damaging myths surrounding the issue.

Did you know that it’s possible for your boyfriend to rape you? Because I know some people who don’t think that’s true. Those people may be in danger because they falsely believe that sex with a significant other is somehow always consensual – like entering into a relationship with someone is also apparently an unwritten contract which demands that you have sex with them whenever they want, forever. Not so.

These are the types of myths we’re talking about, ones that can have terrible consequences if they are not challenged. Men and women always have the right to say no to unwanted sexual contact – and if that sex happens anyway, these people should know that they need not suffer alone, and that they should never blame themselves for what has happened.

Filling the gaps in public knowledge 

The Know Offence group recently pioneered a survey of University College Cork students and found that nearly one in seven students had been the victim of rape or serious sexual assault, while around a third of students said they had experienced minor sexual assaults.

While these figures are only an estimate, perhaps the most alarming thing is that some respondents were not sure whether their sexual experience had been consensual or not – maybe they were assaulted by a partner, or maybe they were groped on the street and found it upsetting, but didn’t realise that so-called “minor incidents” actually count. The vast majority of students (82%) did not know where to report a sexual offence to university authorities.

Know Offence is a small group, but it is committed to filling in these gaps in public knowledge. The university has given its full support to the information campaign, and is helping to clarify the protocol which is already in place for dealing with such complaints.

Remember this: you do not have an obligation to report a sexual assault to the police or to the university. But you do have the right to know that what happened to you was real, and it was serious, and that it was against the law.

With the knowledge of what sexual assault actually is, with access to information about counselling, reporting and legal services, and with clearer university guidelines for lodging a complaint, you get to decide what to do next, and you have the power to choose the best option for you. The important thing to know (and what Know Offence takes as its founding mantra) is that no matter what happens – sexual assault is never the victim’s fault.

Ruth Lawlor is a master’s student in International Relations at University College Cork and a member of the Know Offence campaign team. Her research focuses on sexual violence in the American military.

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    Mute Ally O'Rourke
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:17 PM

    “EVERY ONCE IN a while I try to explain sexual violence to my parents”.

    I’m sorry Ruth…are your parents extremely stupid or sheltered that you feel the need to explain something to them that has been around since before you were born, and I’m sure they’re already well aware of?

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    Mute The whistler
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:17 PM

    Any chance of throwing up an ould link to this survey?

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:31 PM

    I was thinking the same thing. If it was designed by feminists we can expected it to be ludicrously biased and based on an unrepresentative sample like the American CDC survey:

    http://time.com/3393442/cdc-rape-numbers/

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    Mute The whistler
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:54 PM

    Conducting dodgy surveys seem to be an all to common practice in america that is making it’s way over here

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    Mute Jimmy Jim-Jim
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:24 PM

    The 1 in 5 stat puts US campuses on par with the Congo for sexual violence. That should get the bull alarm ringing.

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:38 PM

    It should. But it doesn’t. This statistic has been quoted by Obama and has been used to justify the Title 9 regulations which requires universities to judge cases of sexual assault on the weakest possible standard of evidence.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Title_IX

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    Mute Jimmy Jim-Jim
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:48 PM

    Yep. If rape is to be taken so seriously shouldn’t it be a criminal investigation with the full support of the law, not some two bit pannel of staff and students. Less serious crimes are more thoroughly investigated.

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    Mute Clare Bear
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    Mar 24th 2015, 7:05 PM

    I would also like to see the original survey this is based on, and more importantly what definitions were used.

    In a case in the US an interest group, much like the one you are involved in, printed survey results that 1 in 4 female students in the university had been raped. It’s a shocking figure, however the problem arose when after it was discovered that the group had changed and broadened the definition of rape to any form of unwanted contact (some examples being : Kissed by someone when you did not explicitly consent, being touched in any way that made the person feel uncomfortable, contact while drinking where the victim was conscious and aware of the situation but did not actively voice their lack of consent). While all of these count as sexual harassment or assault , and the last one poses and extremely grey area of consent, they are not rape. Rape has a legal definition, and I would say that broadening the definition to include a lot of these things actually trivializes the experience of actual rape victims. Hence why I ask what definitions were used to classify the answers given in this survey as it can have a real baring on how the results are viewed.

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    Mute Peter Schmidt
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    Mar 27th 2015, 1:55 PM

    It was a public SurveyMonkey survey. http://www.menshumanrightsireland.org/index.php?n=125

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    Mute Pat Kavanagh
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:16 PM

    “EVERY ONCE IN a while I try to explain sexual violence to my parents. It doesn’t always go particularly well, and I keep telling myself that I have to stop bringing it up at the dinner table.”

    Let your Mam and Dad enjoy their meal and go back onto your tumblr account…

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    Mute Dell
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:57 PM

    Do you all disagree with there being more open discussion about consent and sexual violence and that people (men and women) who are unsure whether what has happened to them is actually an offence, can have somehere to go to talk about it? Because that’s all I thought this article was about

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:15 PM

    I disagree with the rape culture narrative that is the basis for this.

    I disagree with being expected to accept the word of a person that an uncited survey took place without any indication of how it was conducted, what questions were asked or how many people were included.

    I disagree with the incursion of america rape-culture feminism into Ireland which is trying to whip up the kind of panic and hysteria on our campuses they have successfully incited on theirs.

    You’ll have to excuse me if I am suspicious having witnessed the witch hunts, hysteria and false accusations in the US. This brand of feminism is doing nothing to help women or men.

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    Mute Dell
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:27 PM

    Yes, but that does not answer my question Jake. also you will have to excuse me wanting there to be a resource available for young people that wasn’t there when I was young and from the experiences of numerous friends and myself was very much needed. I don’t believe we live in a rape culture, I do believe that when someone feels they have been violated they should have somewhere to discuss it.

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:33 PM

    “I do believe that when someone feels they have been violated they should have somewhere to discuss it.”

    Me too. But the person ready to discuss it with them should have an agenda of wanting to help the person as opposed to a political agenda known to force a damaging narrative into the minds of young women.

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    Mute Dell
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:42 PM

    Do you know that to be the case? Have you read literature or talked to the people involved in delivering the service? I do understand you being wary but I feel that a lot more damage is done by the service not being there than the chance of it actually negatively affecting some young women’s way of thinking which more than likely has been altered by the event that led them there anyway.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:47 PM

    I’m not sure what “damaging narrative” you’re talking about Jake. When other women started talking more about their experiences with sexual harassment I was glad because it meant I wasn’t alone in these experiences.

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:52 PM

    “I’m not sure what “damaging narrative” you’re talking about Jake”

    That would be the lie that we live in a “rape culture” and that in 2015 a reported sexual assault would not be taken seriously.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:20 PM

    So instead of reporting a sexual assault that you were a victim of, you decide to write an article which targets all men.

    Got to love the feminist mentality, and when I say love, I actually mean laugh at.

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    Mute Aisling Twomey
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:29 PM

    …. Did you even read it?

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:31 PM

    Ye, why?

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    Mute F.man
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:39 PM

    Eric,

    Don’t you know the new feminism is all about victim-hood, casting all women as emotionally feeble, child like individuals who are in need of protection by the well-intentioned matriarchs.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:41 PM

    F.man – Yes, the irony is not lost on me. All women are victims, and all men are evil apparently.

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    Mute Stephanie Ní Challanáin
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:51 PM

    I don’t get that part. Why didn’t she say/do something esp. If there were gardai around. If that were me i would have kicked him in the jewels. Also, in the article most of the examples are about women eg. “Do you know your boyfriend can rape you?”..completely one sided as usual yet these are the same people who stand for equality!

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    Mute Carol Oates
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:17 PM

    Sounds a lot like you are blaming the victim for not preventing a rape.

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    Mute S K
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:41 PM

    Er, where in the article does she target all men? Did you even read it all before going off on an “I hate feminists” spiel?

    “Men and women always have the right to say no to unwanted sexual contact”

    “The group provides information about essential services for both men and women”

    She describes an incident that happened to her, which indeed was perpetrated by a man, and then goes on to condemn all forms of sexual assault, without specifically relating it to any particular gender.

    If you laugh at what you call a “feminist mentality”, which in this article is simply saying that people (men or women) don’t have to put up with sexual assault of any kind, then you are highly indicative of why we still need articles like this to be written.

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    Mute Stephanie Ní Challanáin
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:44 PM

    Me? No.1 she wasnt raped. No.2 im not victim blaming No.3 she was groped in a public place in full view of people and potentially gardai which is an oppurtunity to say something (an oppurtunity most victims of similar attacks do not have). Just wondering why she took the route of action she did that’s all.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:50 PM

    She didn’t report it because that would require logic, something which feminists ate in desperate need of

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    Mute Hammy Ballinclea
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:51 PM

    Well said, SK. I’m astonished at the anti-feminist paranoia that this article has attracted, given that the author makes it crystal clear that the initiative is intended to help everyone, not just women.
    It seems that some bitter types insist on seeing the evil spectre of feminazism in every article that bears the words ‘sexual assault’ or ‘domestic violence’. It would be nice if they read the article properly before picking up the pitchforks and storming the village.
    When it comes to the practice of ‘victim-hood’, the MRAs are doing a fantastic rendition right now.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:52 PM

    Stephanie, she says after that this stuff happens all the time and people are expected to put up with it. You either get laughed at or shrugged off like it’s no big deal.

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    Mute Hammy Ballinclea
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:53 PM

    Eric, when you interpret an initiative designed to help men AND women who’ve experienced sexual assault as an attack on all men, then you, sir, are the one playing the victim.

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    Mute Bridget
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:18 PM

    Can’t understand why she didn’t do something about groping incident.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:24 PM

    Some people don’t like to make a fuss. Some people are afraid of being called a liar. There are many reasons people don’t report this kind of behaviour. It happens all the time. That’s why we need to talk about it.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:28 PM

    Joanna – That argument is not valid here. The guard was 5 feet away from her. She didn’t report it because it is better for her victim status if there is no justice.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:32 PM

    Shut up Eric. You’re a broken record.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:46 PM

    That’s it Joanna… I poke a massive hole in your “logic”, and your response is to tell me to shut up. As much as you would like it, you can’t silence opinions that differ from your own.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:50 PM

    I don’t understand. If no one knows about her being a “victim”, then how can she benefit? She hardly bottled it up all this time to “pull the victim card” when feminism suddenly became topical.

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    Mute Bridget
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:18 PM

    The shock of something like that happening would make you shout out.

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    Mute Joanna
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:24 PM

    Anyone I know who’s had that happen to them were too stunned to react. Maybe you would be more aggressive in that situation, Bridget, but every one is different.

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:37 PM

    Everyone responds differently, some will cry out, some will lash out, some will be stunned into silence.. Just because you or I would respond a certain way doesn’t mean everyone would.

    Next. If I had been groped in public to be honest even if there was a gard standing watching, I don’t think I would have said anything. Why? Because it’s not taken seriously enough in this country, the gard probably wouldn’t deem it worthy of the paperwork. They haven’t felt it necessary to do anything about the people ignoring red lights when I’ve pointed it out so I can’t imagine them giving a toss about someone groping me. I mean, even convicted rapists in this country can get a suspended sentence. What’s the point in trying to “get justice”? Tell me, when you say you do not want to have sex with your partner yet somehow they end up having sex with you anyway, how exactly does one set about proving that in court?

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    Mute Jean Cross
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:43 PM

    Thanks for your article Ruth. It is always good to see feminists post articles regardless of the parade of ignorance that alway follows. Well done.

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    Mute Jimmy Jim-Jim
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:50 PM

    There’s a lot more research in the “ignorance”.

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    Mute Eric
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:51 PM

    Well done for not reporting a serious sexual assault? Why is that an admirable action?

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:52 PM

    Why not enlighten us then instead of resorting to name calling?

    If the arguments and opinions stated and cited in this article are so ignorant they should be easy for you to refute.

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:40 PM

    Is it a serious sexual assault?
    I would have thought that term described rape.
    Being groped isn’t quite the same thing.

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    Mute Geesche Luhn
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    Mar 25th 2015, 12:41 AM

    Eric, your mother must be so proud of you.

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    Mute Le Tigre
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:56 PM

    We need to have a conversation about the presumption of innocence

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:38 PM

    No.. We don’t. That’s a far too important part of the Justice system to start tinkering with.

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    Mute Le Tigre
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    Mar 24th 2015, 9:19 PM

    That’s why we need to protect it from feminists

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:11 PM
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    Mute Eif C
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:15 PM

    you know that’s a different continent, right Jake?

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    Mute Shane Kearney
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:17 PM

    We share many similarities with the US in that regard, in fairness.

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    Mute Ryan Anth
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:40 PM

    Were nowhere NEAR as bad as the US ffsake. The big trouble with the Frats now having secret facebook pages where they take pics of naked drunked out women they’ve slept with and see no problem shagging them while they’re out cold from drink? I’ve never seen anything like that at college level here whatever problems we have here, like their cops and their politics, were nowhere near as bad as the US

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:47 PM

    “you know that’s a different continent, right Jake?”

    Yes, yes I do know that.

    Did you know that ideas, and even people, can travel between continents?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katherine_Zappone

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:47 PM
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    Mute Le Tigre
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    Mar 24th 2015, 1:58 PM

    The author is a member of an American group which has expanded its ambit to carry out surveys amongst Irish students.

    I think that makes Jake’s point rather well

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:04 PM

    Wow, way to miss the point Ryan. Did you read this article or the one I posted?

    According to this article, one in seven women are subjected to serious sexual assault according to a survey we’re expected to accept without a citation of any kind.

    According to the radical feminists in America, and survey that is known to be badly flawed, the number is one if five over there.

    The problem of radical feminism seems to be quite similar in both places.

    Before you go accepting what you’ve heard about rape allegations on American campuses, you should read this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Rape_on_Campus

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:05 PM
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    Mar 24th 2015, 2:05 PM
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    Mute Sarah Jane Colhoun
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    Mar 24th 2015, 10:41 PM

    Ryan anth – being ‘nowhere near as bad as…’ is not an excuse to leave things as they are here. And while *your experience might not include advantage taken of passed out people, unfortunately it is in my experience, and not necessarily amongst strangers either which is almost worse.

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    Mute Daisy Chainsaw
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:53 PM

    Deae everyone, read this. The best article about consent I’ve ever read.

    http://rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/

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    Mute Sarah Jane Colhoun
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    Mar 24th 2015, 10:31 PM

    Great explanation daisy, thanks for the link :)

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 24th 2015, 5:07 PM

    Anyone ever notice there is a certain profile of self-proclaimed “feminists”. I find this interesting. They seem to be the bookish types, above average IQ, probably were quiet when they were young and didn’t quite fit in socially. Then they read a book or article which suddenly tells them there is this external force out there: “the partriarchy”, which is somehow keeping them down, and THATS the reason they haven’t accomplished much with their lives or are not the most popular girl in school….I think im honing in on what’s going on here…

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 24th 2015, 5:31 PM

    Did anyone ever tell you, you suck at profiling..

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 24th 2015, 5:37 PM

    Seems ive hit on a raw nerve…am I the only man that gets it?

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    Mute Shanti
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    Mar 24th 2015, 5:45 PM

    The assumption and hasty generalisation was the issue, and that comment made it abundantly clear that no, you don’t seem to get logic. Or profiling for that matter..
    Profiling is trying to narrow something down to a particular group. Feminists come in all sorts of different types. There’s a small minority of them who are bat$h1t crazy, but they don’t make up any meaningful numbers..

    Anyone who believes in gender equality is, by definition, a feminist. Whether they choose to outwardly identify as one or not. So your profile is a little narrow for the entire scope..

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 25th 2015, 9:18 AM

    Who let the dictionary feminists in?

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 25th 2015, 11:21 AM

    Shanti – my profile is more for what I would call the “career feminist”, ie the type of self-proclaimed feminists you see writing in the Guardian for example. The women who try to write about it, are ideologically driven by it etc. I think my profiling fits these people quite well, thanks.

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    Mute Bridget
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:17 PM

    Totally shocked that she didn’t do or say something about a man groping her like that in a public place. Made a scene of some sore.

    Most world have shouted or hit him away or call the Garda if they were so close.

    Bit strange

    As to “explaining to my parents”, well she’s the one who did nothing about groping so maybe they still have some explaining to do to her.

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    Mute Jake Race
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    Mar 24th 2015, 3:29 PM

    Feminists continually tell young women that if they report something like that no-one will listen. It’s part of the rape-culture narrative. If I was an indoctrinated feminist and believed that to be the case, I’d also be hesitant to report a sexual assault.

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 24th 2015, 5:00 PM

    Its a self-feeding feedback loop. They convince themselves there’s no point in reporting it, so they don’t, then they blog that they didn’t report it, so others don’t report it, so then they complain that no-one reports it, so it continues to happen.

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 24th 2015, 4:58 PM

    So the man who put his hand on your leg…why didn’t you report him? We already have laws against this. Nothing for you to campaign about. But you need to be actually reporting incidences to police rather than blogging about them.

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    Mute Jim Jetson
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    Mar 25th 2015, 9:27 AM

    “We need to talk more about relationships”

    Ruth, as a young woman I would argue you need to perhaps talk a little less about relationships. There is more to life. Perhaps talk about the cosmos, the origin of the universe, Chinese politics, anything else really. If theres one thing young women need to talk LESS about, its relationships.

    Suppose its an evolutionary thing, but try to be self aware.

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    Mute TheLawd
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    Mar 25th 2015, 9:20 AM

    I received my official in class sex education when I was around 10 or 11, and being in that age bracket is about the only thing I think they decided upon correctly. We were sat down in front of a 50-60 year old woman, with a very conservative mind set. I don’t remember the word condom, I don’t remember a thing about pregnancy, and she seemed about as uncomfortable as we did… This was the only sex ed class I have ever recieved, and it was a joke. Mind you, that’s not to say that I was ever told not to physically or sexually abuse a woman, and it’s not a thought that’s ever crossed my mind.

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    Mute El Zanzibar
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    Mar 25th 2015, 1:23 PM
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