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TO EVERYONE AROUND me, I had the perfect life. A beautiful house, a wonderful boyfriend, two amazing, healthy, happy little girls. But to me, my life, family and I were crumbling down around me. I was crippled by post-natal-depression. Too ashamed to ask for help.
Here I am a full year later, ‘me’ again and telling the story of my struggles and my recovery.
I was in the bliss of family life. A stay-at-home mother to two gorgeous little girls, I was enjoying having a curious, funny, all-go toddler and a precious newborn baby girl, and a supportive, loving boyfriend. The family I had always dreamed of. Things quickly went downhill and, in all honesty, I have no idea when it all happened.
Constant self-loathing and negative thoughts
Daily life started to become a struggle and every little task seemed like a mountain to climb. I assumed it was how every busy mother of two kids felt – juggling breastfeeds with meal times, cooking, cleaning, laundry, sleepless nights and the constant worry. It was much more than that, though. I was struggling on the inside, judging every little decision I made and criticising everything I did. Feeling terrible with a constant guilt for not being a good enough mother, not being a good enough girlfriend, not being good enough at cooking, cleaning. I wasn’t good enough. I doubted every little thing I did. I would be so distraught by my constant self-loathing and negative thoughts.
Leaving the house? Well that was just a whole other issue in itself! Never mind trying to get three people fed, dressed, nappies changed and bags packed just to go to the shop. I felt like the walls where coming in on me and something terrible would happen if I walked outside that front door, I just wanted to stay inside our little bubble where we all would be OK.
I couldn’t leave the house
On the days that I did manage to get everything together to leave the house, I was faced with an uncontrollable feeling (‘melt down’ as I called them), I would go into a panic, I would start to sweat, shake, my heart would race and jump into my throat, I couldn’t catch my breath, I would end up in a pile on my kitchen floor in tears. I would eventually get it together and get out of the house, praying that I didn’t bump into anyone I knew only to then rush around and do what needed to be done to get home to our bubble, where we were safe.
These horrible feelings, thoughts and guilt were consuming me, I locked them up inside and hid them away from everybody, even my boyfriend who knew I wasn’t myself. He would always tell me what a great job I was doing with the girls. I shut him out. I couldn’t face the truth – well it wasn’t the truth but it felt like it to me. I felt like I was a terrible person who didn’t deserve all the amazing things I had in life. I felt that my boyfriend and my little girls deserved better, much better. I let these thoughts and feelings take over, I couldn’t see any good in me. The suicidal thoughts and urges quickly became all I could think about. My boyfriend convinced me to go to the doctor.
My pride was my biggest downfall, it nearly cost me everything
He knew I was depressed but had no idea how deep I was in. I was drowning. I really did lock everybody out. I didn’t want to face it. So I reluctantly went to my doctor and I glossed over it. “I’m just not myself and having a bit of a hard time”. My doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant and put me in contact with a psychologist to talk to. I’ll hardly take a paracetamol, so accepting medication was hard for me but my doctor insisted I needed to take them and to take it easy and get some help with day-to-day life, as well as to talk to the psychologist.
I am a stubborn person, and I did not like asking for help with anything, I always took pride in that part of myself, but it really was my biggest downfall, it nearly cost me everything. So I went home made an appointment with the psychologist and started to take the medication. However I was blinded by the fog of my depression and it had got me. I was just waiting ‘to end it’. It was by then the start of March 2014 and I wasn’t going to be here by April.
I wasn’t alone
A few weeks earlier, I had met a girl at a local mammy and toddler group. A bubbly, friendly girl with beautiful kids. She had introduced herself and was very friendly. We had exchanged the usual mommy stories. I thought that I was able to put on a good front and conceal what was really going on, but she was able to see straight through it and knew I wasn’t right after that very first time of meeting her.
She had tried to contact me through a mutual friend, as I had missed the toddler group for a week or two, by not being able to leave the house due to my uncontrollable fear, anxiousness and panic attacks. I met her again at toddler group and she had asked to exchanged numbers, I had thought nothing of it and of course gave her my number. I received a text a few days later asking if everything was OK. “Yes of course” I replied. She didn’t buy it for a second. She opened up to me and shared her own struggle she experienced after her daughter was born. I was relieved in a way, I wasn’t alone.
My lowest point
However that weekend, as I lay in bed waiting for everyone to fall asleep, the demons in my thoughts took over. This is it, I thought. I waited for my boyfriend to fall asleep so I could sneak out of bed to do the unthinkable. I was at peace and I could feel the relief. I felt I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone anymore.
I had one leg out of the bed and suddenly my youngest daughter woke up screaming. I ran to get her out of her cot which was at the bottom of our bed because she was still only six months old. My poor baby was burning up with a fever. Her screaming had also woken my boyfriend. My concern was, of course, for my little girl as we sat up all night nursing her and tending to her, but I had missed my deadline. My little girl had just saved my life.
Beginning to hope again
Earlier that same weekend, my doctor had put me in touch with a psychiatrist who offered me ‘Homebase’ treatment which meant I could receive treatment at home in my own surroundings with my family and the support of clinical visits. Tuesday morning arrived and two lovely, friendly professionals arrived at my home, to aid me in my recovery. They came into my home and they gave me hope.
I sat at my kitchen table hugging my legs and tears streaming down my face as the two girls asked me simple questions to which I was just able to nod my head to. I was broken. I was just a shell of a person, I had no fight left in me. I was reassured by these girls I would get better and I wouldn’t have to live like this. I did not believe a word they said. At first.
My boyfriend had taken some time off work to be at home with the girls while I got treatment – mainly because I think he was too scared to leave me alone. But never once did he show it, he was so strong and supportive for me and the girls. I had visits every day from the Homebase team. Facing people every day was such an effort. I still couldn’t open up at this point. I just couldn’t talk about it. I trudged on just existing, not living.
Slowly I began to feel myself again
I had reached out to a childhood friend, Mandy, my best friend when I was a kid who I could talk to about everything when I was younger. I told her about my depression, but I couldn’t even tell her everything. In true Mandy style, she would show up with chocolate, walk straight in and put on the kettle. I slowly started to confide in Jennifer (from the Homebase team) and open up about my feelings, suicidal urges, and my thoughts. She listened and reassured me that this was all normal, as crazy as it sounds. This was her job, she sees it every day. Jennifer was amazing at her job. I then started to open up to my boyfriend, he was attentive and supportive and patient with me and let me talk in my own time.
As the medication started to take effect and I began to be able to talk to my boyfriend again, slowly my days started to get a little easier. I could go for a walk with Mandy, and take the kids to the park. I could take pleasure in the little things. This was amazing! It wasn’t all good, but there was a glimmer of hope, and I grabbed on to it with everything I had, I wasn’t letting go.
I never thought it could get better, but it did
The weeks were passing and things really started to get easier. Daily life really wasn’t so bad. I looked forward to visits from my friends and family trips to the shopping centre at the weekends. Yes – grocery shopping became fun. Whereas a couple of weeks ago the thought of going to town made me want to vomit, and I would scan the whole shopping centre out of paranoia, and try to avoid anyone I might know.
I was rediscovering myself and I loved it. I could crack a joke and I didn’t take myself so seriously. I was enjoying being a mammy and a girlfriend again. Now, not every day was great but the hard days were getting fewer and further between. The suicidal thoughts and urges started to fade away. I learned how to manage my anxiety and negative thoughts. I was living life again! I never thought it could get better, but it did.
I had been so clouded by depression, I had forgotten what all the good things felt like. I was enjoying my family and my friends and being able to hold a conversation, have a good gossip about the Kardashians. Every day I was learning about myself again, all the positive things, that I was a good mother, girlfriend and friend. I was enjoying the journey of recovery and discovery of myself. It was an amazing adventure. I was loving watching my little girls discover that mammy could be fun and not so serious all the time, the sound of their little giggles as I played with them. Such a joy.
It is not too late to get help
A year on from ‘my deadline’, I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t think I would be here and I couldn’t be more thankful that I am. Thankful for my amazing boyfriend and our two beautiful daughters for being so understanding and patient with me. My best friends Mandy and Emma for believing in me. Homebase for their constant support and guidance, always at the end of the phone to listen. I am still learning about my journey with depression and about myself, and I hope that doesn’t stop. It has been one of the hardest things I have had to face in my life. I count myself lucky I got the help I needed when I did.
Last month was a milestone for me in so many ways. Not everybody is so lucky. If you are reading this and can relate, please reach out. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. It is not too late to get help. If you know somebody that might be going through this or something similar, reach out to them. Please don’t let depression be a taboo, it needs to be talked about. You never know who you could help.
Elena is a loving girlfriend and mother of two vibrant little girls from Dundalk – fun loving, goofy and capable once again…
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Sounds like a dáta gathering exercise similar to the mandatory PPS card
@Ashling Fenton: they already have the data
@Ashling Fenton: PPS card. This country needs a national ID card.
@Sean O’Dhubhghaill: No, no it does not.
The feckin’ Guards are bad enough as it is without giving them Gestapo-like ideas.
“Papers please”
A disaster waiting to happen. Everything’s going online and no human available to talk to about it.
@reg morrisey: they will have a chatbot which has the capability to answer questions you are not asking and be of no use whatsoever.
When will the useless chatbot be consigned to the bin?
@Mr “JonnieBoy” Johnson: Clippy lives.
Russia must be salivating at the thought of this.
@Daniel Skelton: You never told us non aviation folk (who you scoffed at) why the north runway was closed a few weeks ago?!?! It was only broken at 500ft.
@another one? what’s going on is the semi state sec: I don’t think you know despite pretending you did!?!?
I will collect the free information booklet
and put it with my iodine tablets and gathering postcards
@Aisling Lohan: I assume you wrote that comment on a typewriter and posted it off to the Journal’s offices.
Unless it costs 500 million and is a complete waste of time we’re not interested
A hackers wet dream!
we can’t build a hospital…yet we think we can secure people’s data …doing what Europe tells us ….
It’s all just for your convince, and definitely not to track you like a Chinese dissident who can be shut down and switched off in a micro second.
@087 bed: paranoid much?!
@Donna Fallon: “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean their not out to get you”. LOL
Unsavory actors could hack into the database, and add people, or delete them.
You might no longer officially exist.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: its only a digital copy.not the actual documents,which can be kept safely elsewhere
@Systemic 31: Now try to get someone to even talk with when you don’t exist anyway.
We’re running headlong into a dystopian society
@Vincent Hickey: Having a copy of my driving license on my phone is dystopian? Who knew.
@Jason Memail: lol
@Jason Memail: Well, you could always take a photo of same for reference.
The Digital driver’s licence should be required to start a vehicle and should only be eligible if you are fully insured, too many uninsured drivers are causing carnage on our roads causing tragic traumatic Life altering or ending events on our roads.
@Cormac McKay: A problem easily solved.
If the state compels us to have 3rd party insurance, then the state should provide it. Remove profit scheming insurance companies from the equation altogether.
(If anyone wants any additional level of insurance, such as fully comp, then they can go to a private profit gouging insurance company.)
If the state charged for this insurance through a fuel surcharge, as an example, then every vehicle is automatically insured.
@Cormac McKay: Your point seems to be anchored on the idea that having insurance makes you a better driver, which is fundamentally false. Insurance is only an agreement to do something if an incident occurs, it doesn’t prevent the incident happening in the first place.
@Jason Memail: i agree. It doesnt make people better drivers because accidents happen but it covers you if someone is injured or there is damage done to a car you have a loan on.
Great idea, scrap the plastic cards and paper passports once and for all.
@Ben dover: And if your abroad and lose your phone?
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: if you lose your phone or tablet containing them, you will most likely be able to go online at another source and retrieve your information that way while at the same time blocking your lost item. Just an idea?
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: everyone will eventually have a barcode tattoo
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: It doesn’t say it’s replacing physical documents, it’s just another tool for convenience. It’s a pain in the Swiss losing physical documents too, I can only speak for myself but I’m more likely to lose something physical than my phone (including bank cards). It’s one reason I like the passport card, easier to keep close to me at all times than the book.
@Megan Ward: Stolen phones?
And could the thief use that phone to impersonate you?
I’d imagine phones are targets for theft more than any other item even today.
With all that extra valuable information on them…
And how would you be able to go online to retrieve that information, when it is – presumably – stored on a government database to which you will probably also have lost account access.
Unless you are able to remember the gazillion extra user names and passwords that would be added to all those we have to try to keep control of already.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: If my phone is stolen and the thief threatens me to such a violent and scary extent that I tell them my passcode, or knocks me out so that they can pull my eyelids open and use my Face ID, I’ve got bigger problems than worrying what they’ll get into on my phone. If this did happen and they were able to get into my phone, I’d be using iCloud to remotely erase the phone. Phones can be stolen with or without these ‘digital wallets’, this isn’t a new potential issue.
I’d be screwed if I was abroad and someone stole a bag that contained my cash and passport if I only used cash, is that a reason for no one to ever carry cash? No, you use what you prefer and the more backup methods you have, the better.
I don’t know about you but I prioritise learning more important passwords off by heart. More concerned about making sure I remember my Gmail password or Apple ID than my Facebook or ASOS password, for example.
Let’s save the fretting until this is mandatory, maybe? If you don’t want to use it, don’t. If they announce that they’re slashing physical ID documents then we can start panicking. There are lots of features people use that others freak out at the idea of, like Apple Pay and Google Pay.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: Oh, because you’ll come back with ‘and how will you log into iCloud when your phone is gone???’ I would use the phone of a friend, my boyfriend or family. Or find an internet café. Or use my iPad if I’ve brought that and left it in the hotel safe. If I’m doing a solo trip, I need to be extra careful about absolutely anything. Wouldn’t go on many holidays if we assumed the worst will happen every time, though.
@Megan Ward: It’s not about assuming the worst will happen.
But it will happen to some.
And it’s not about someone torturing you to gain account information.
We thought our bank cards were secure. Until several ways of hacking these were created.
We thought our bank accounts were safe, until scammers found ways.
There are many spywares and the like that may already be on your phone.
With new ones coming down the line all the time.
I’ve yet to meet many who don’t let their device handle their account information, and who would have any clue what their account names and passwords are.
When they get a new device they have no clue how to get onto their accounts anymore.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: You’re right, there could be spyware on our phones and computers stealing our data, getting into all of the websites we use and taking important personal data. What’s the solution, go off the grid and use nothing? Never use things like Revenue Online Service (that contains very important information) in case it’s hacked? That’s not a practical solution for most, all we can do is practice good internet security techniques, use 2 Factor Authentication where possible and the like.
With all due respect to them, those people are very careless. You’re right in that there are so many websites now it’s hard to remember passwords to all, but it’s not a big ask to remember your Google password, Apple/Android details, basically anything you’ll need to get into things again. In almost 20 years of using the internet I’ve been completely locked out of something once, because it was linked to an old email service that’s now defunct. I don’t understand these people who seemingly don’t even know their email password and keep setting up new accounts for everything every time they get a new device.
@Megan Ward: Nope!
Just don’t make ourselves unnecessarily reliant on one single point of failure.
(Although physically we have single points of failure in our brains and our hearts.)
Always have a paper copy of your birth cert somewhere.
A physical passport.
And so on.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: I think everyone can agree on that. I first got the passport card when I was visiting the US for the first time, knew I’d need ID everywhere but they don’t accept age cards and I didn’t fancy the idea of having my passport book out everywhere especially if drinking, so kept that in the safe. Handy to have the card anyway.
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: Nobody is suggesting that digital versions of birth certs or drivers licenses will replace physical versions. This is a great initiative, despite what the doomsayers and pearl clutchers say
@ItWasLikeThatWhenIGotHere: and if you’re abroad and lose your wallet now?
Deartháir mór is watching…
New hack
It is amusing that people are raging about data and digital trackers yet they are most likely on a mobile phone which not only gives away data with your consent but also tracks you too. What triggered you lot was the word ‘government’. You saw that word and never took the time to engage your brain before commenting.
@Sun Rise:
Bullseye.
Although nowadays you have to wonder how many comments are from computers triggered by certain words.
Kindly feck off with your digital tracker.
Just put it all on a chip and implant it into our wrists… Problem solved… ??
@Blue Moon: Right up until the accident that takes your arm off or it gets fried in an MRI scanner.
Bad idea
It is a digital vaccine
Whoahere
Brilliant, another soft target for cyber attacks.
As an IT person, give me the contract. The technology is already here, so I will just use it and charge a fortune. Nice.
@did you every wonder: Fine but you sign up for liability for all future cyber attacks.
Still want the job?
How about starting slowly and getting the leap card sorted so it can be used on your phone. Baby steps !!
Anybody who listens to Ossian Smyth needs there head screwing back on.
Tracking whole life is coming not fair on few people that dont do online
have your say