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Five presents you should never buy other people’s kids

All ye generous friends and family out there, please remember – a present is for life, not just for the first five minutes.

PEOPLE ARE INCREDIBLY generous when it comes to children. They just love buying for them. Particularly little ones. And who wouldn’t? The unadulterated joy that comes with hitting the right note with a child’s present is hard to beat (at least, that is, until they get old enough to decide that they don’t actually like the gift, but before they reach the age to understand it’s grossly impolite to share said fact).

I always joke that as the number of kids in our household has increased, there has been a corresponding decrease in the number and size of presents mum and dad receive. It’s as if there’s an annual set budget for present buying per household, and Mum and Dad are always first ones to get hit with ‘austerity’. And understandably so. Which is completely fine, so long as whatever presents are being purchased make our lives as parents easier to navigate, rather than harder.

Try to be the friend or relative who buys with the parent in mind, not the child. Not a popular message I appreciate, but everyone else goes for the ‘Wow!’ factor, the squeals of delight, the big hugs and ecstatic kisses from the child. They entirely miss the simultaneous image of parent subtlety banging their head against the nearest brick wall at the prospect of the mother of all tantrums later on that same said day, when the sugar hangover surfaces, or the irreplaceable battery shoved up some impenetrable orifice ups and dies, or dolly’s minuscule shoe inevitably goes missing down the back of the couch.

All ye generous friends and family out there, please remember – a present is for life, not just for the first five minutes. So go on, take the road less travelled, and opt for the sensible number, not the crowd pleaser. Do, and you will be invited back (even if you don’t want to be).

Here are just a few small examples I have stumbled across over the years…

1. Unsuitable footwear

Unless you’re willing to provide a blank cheque, along with an ‘IOU An All Day Accompaniment to Temple Street’ to deal with the repercussions, these are just a non runner (excuse the pun).

Anything that has even a modicum of a heel, anything without a good, solid crossover strap or – the worst of all offenders – those rubber princess numbers which barely pass for shoes at all, are very likely to result in the child careening across their kitchen tiles at best, or down two flights of stairs at worst. Something as fundamental as what roots their child to the ground, should, in my humble opinion, be reserved for parental selection only.

2. Buying one of anything, where there is more than one child in the equation

Please don’t differentiate. They will find other ways of expressing their individuality. I promise. It’s not boring, or unimaginative, or lazy. All you need to remember is to just be decidedly unoriginal, and buy two of the same thing.

As in, identical. EXACTLY the same thing. Different colours to two small kids is like a red rag to a bull, regardless of their gender. They don’t come with blue/pink preferences pre-built into their DNA. Any excuse for a fight, and they’ll be off killing each other over who gets blue and who gets pink. Probably before they’ve even thanked you for the gift in the first place.

3. Sugar. Of any description.

Unless you’re willing to stick around for the ‘come down’, please don’t be their ‘dealer’. Dolling out sweets/chocolate/E-numbers to young kids, and then doing a legger, is the equivalent of that annoying guy in the office who gets everyone plastered on shots and then sneaks off home leaving carnage in his wake.

If you’re not going to be around to manage the hangover, then please don’t introduce sugar in the first place. How many otherwise pleasant afternoons have gone pear-shaped after some bright spark saw fit to introduce Smarties into the equation? (Ditto for Easter eggs. The fact that the sugar is cunningly disguised as an appropriate seasonal ornament for the mantel piece matters little, once they’ve ingested an entire egg in one sitting).

4. Summer ‘clothes’

News flash: we live in a country which has approximately two days a year which can be described as ‘scorchers’, during which kids can be let loose, wearing nothing more than stringy vests or sundresses. Most ‘summer’ days in Ireland consist of a T-shirt worn under an omni-present fleece, with perhaps even a woolly hat stashed in the nappy bag somewhere, alongside the more optimistic sunhat, cream and Dunnes Stores shades.

So when my daughter gets her little mits upon gorgeous, delicate sundresses, or sun-tops complete with pretty floral designs and elegant bows, but with a tog value of circa minus 5, all out war ensues. Why? Because for the next month the virtual beachwear is all she wants to wear. Even if it’s bloody snowing outside.

So when it comes to selecting children’s clothes as gifts, much as it goes against the grain, think practical. Please. It’s always preferable from mum’s perspective to have a few extra vests and pants to a tutu or those dreaded princess shoes. Jazz up the necessary staples if you have to, but go with substance over style and you’ll be considered an absolute legend by the mother. And, let’s face it, a happy mum is a happy child.

Ditto for unsuitable swimwear by the way. Unless the child has the skin of a rhinoceros, an all in one number is vastly preferable to a bikini. No matter how cute.

5. Toys that don’t serve any purpose (or that can destroy a couch in seconds)

Somewhere in history, some bright spark had the great idea that kids like teddy bears. Whereas, in actual fact, the extent to which kids have any real interest in oversized, dust gathering, beady eye choking, space takers is vastly overrated. One, maybe two is grand. But, particularly amongst our parent’s generation, teddies remain all the rage, season after season.

They tend to get greeted with a modicum of interest when first presented to the child, and are thereafter completely forgotten about in favour of a toy that actually does something. Funnier still is the sheer number I got after both kids were born, particularly given that every safety manual known to man advises against putting them next or near a newborn.

By complete contrast, another ‘family favourite’, far from remaining innocuously in the corner, has the destructive power of an atomic bomb. Depositing a set of markers with a small child is the equivalent of going to your garden shed, opening a pot of Dulux, and telling them to go for it. There’s no such thing as ‘washable’ when it comes to most household surfaces (carpets, couches, clothes etc). If you’re lucky, the worst you’ll have to deal with is a child who looks as if there were let loose in a tattoo parlour on a stag weekend.

Time isn’t on our side…

Always remember the one commodity that every parent is short of is time. So presents that create space and time for mum and dad will always be a winner. With everyone. So think velcro and zips instead of impossibly cute, minuscule buttons, which a child will never sit still long enough to fasten, and may even have the odd stab at choking on. Think extra baby-gros for a newborn instead of Interflora. Think a home-grown babysitting voucher, instead of lights, plastic, action!

If it comes complete with a few hours worth of one-on-one, down on the floor, playtime, it will beat any overpriced gift, hands down. When it comes to baby and children’s presents, the reality is that oftentimes less is more.

In this day and age, most homes in the country are laden down with children’s gifts that weren’t really needed or properly appreciated, whereas there probably isn’t a child in the land who wouldn’t benefit from having an extra story read to them every now and again. Particularly if the storyteller is someone other than their parents.

Claire Micks is an occasional writer. Read her columns for TheJournal.ie here.

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    Mute HectorPickaxe
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    May 9th 2015, 12:04 PM

    I don’t have kids. I bought my niece and nephew vuvuzelas. It was nice to go home that day.

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    Mute David Murphy
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    May 9th 2015, 1:41 PM

    For many years I bought my nieces the noisiest presents I could for Christmas and birthdays, which I always found hilarious. I have young kids now, and my sister appears to be out for vengeance.

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    Mute Yvonne Smyth
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    May 9th 2015, 2:09 PM

    My brother both my daughter a drum kit when she was four! He has no children!

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    May 9th 2015, 2:31 PM

    Maybe some day he will. (Insert evil laugh)

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    May 9th 2015, 2:32 PM

    Be glad. As long as she doesn’t cross the line with skittles and coke you’ll survive.

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    Mute mayo chicken
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    May 9th 2015, 8:26 PM

    My brother in law used to buy the most annoying noisy presents for uis brothers kids. Now he has kids of his own, and the other brother and family are in Australia. We’re childless and infertile, so have taken up the duty of inflicting revenge on him. Hello Kitty band set with drum kit and trumpet? Perfect for our 3 year old niece. Feck it, it’s not like it’s ever going to come back and bite us on the ass. Mwuhahaaa!!

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    Mute Ken McCarthy
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    May 9th 2015, 12:22 PM

    It’s the thought that counts.

    Not anymore it would seem.

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    Mute Níamh Hurleÿ
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    May 9th 2015, 12:50 PM

    So true

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    Mute mary carey
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    May 9th 2015, 1:02 PM

    I knew before I got to the end of this article who the author was!!! Jesus Christ…. Moaning Myrtle how are ya!!?? Seriously, it IS the thought that counts and writing an article with such a pretentious tone may ensure that your kids get ZERO presents!

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    Mute molly coddled
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    May 9th 2015, 1:56 PM

    Exactly Mary, she’s probably the type that makes you sign a list of do and donts before letting you into her palace.
    I’m the type that would give her kids a bucket load of skittles just to watch the mayhem that would ensue, and take great pleasure indeed.
    Mummy martyr author me a*se.

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    Mute Deborah Behan
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    May 9th 2015, 2:18 PM

    I’d say she’s great craic at parties!

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    Mute Periguin
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    May 9th 2015, 2:52 PM

    Surely she’s taking the Mick

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    Mute Sinead
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    May 9th 2015, 4:13 PM

    That woman who wrote the article seriously needs to unclench! Seriously be grateful people are buying your kids’ presents!

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    Mute MaryAnn Chatman
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    Dec 3rd 2016, 2:01 AM

    @Sinead: why do people get upset if you buy their kids lot presents just because theycant get it for them like they feel bad they cant get for them is this selfish or should weonly get little bit presents

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    Mute joocy_froot
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    May 9th 2015, 1:14 PM

    Maybe the author should be grateful that her family and friends are even bothered trying? Her kids may be her entire existence but really, most other people don’t give that much of a crap about them. It’s bad enough when people have kids in the first place and any chance of ever having an adult conversation with them about anything other than their progeny becomes an impossibility, the fact that friends and family are expected to cough up and buy gifts to commemorate every over-hyped non-event in the child’s life takes the p*ss.

    So maybe next time she’s presented with an inappropriate gift a friend probably went out of their way to buy her spoiled rug rat, the author cultivates some self-awareness, musters her best “thank you” and sucks it the hell up?

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    Mute Áine Ní Mhurchú
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    May 9th 2015, 2:52 PM

    This is the most beautiful comment I’ve ever seen!

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    Mute Jimmy Jim-Jim
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    May 9th 2015, 5:38 PM

    You truly are the voice of the people.

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    Mute Sascha Cumiskey
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    May 9th 2015, 12:22 PM

    “Bikinis …. No matter how cute.” Bikinis are NEVER cute on little girls. Vile. One piece all the way.

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    Mute Jen M
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    May 9th 2015, 12:36 PM

    How about just being grateful for getting anything at all?

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    Mute Sinead Hanley
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    May 9th 2015, 12:41 PM

    Whistles…

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    Mute Brendan Quinn
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    May 9th 2015, 1:22 PM

    With ungrateful parents like that it’s not hard to see how some kids turn into demanding little nightmares with zero sense of gratitude and a massive sense of entitlement

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    Mute Ben Fede
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    May 9th 2015, 1:25 PM

    I gave my 14 year old nephew a chemistry set, my 7 year old nephew a drum set and my 4 year old niece finger paints. I will be collecting my “Uncle of the Year” award any day now.

    That is, if my sister-in-law doesn’t kill me first…

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    Mute Chris Kirk
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    May 9th 2015, 1:01 PM

    I came to realise a long time ago that the cardboard box brings just as much joy to an infant.

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    Mute Lynsey Ní Scolai
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    May 9th 2015, 12:09 PM

    Play doh and glitter are my big no-no’s! Play doh gets mashed into the carpet and glitter goes absolutely EVERYWHERE!

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    Mute Amy Shoebridge
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    May 9th 2015, 6:31 PM

    I told my eldest two to make sure they cleaned up all their play dough when they were finished playing with it, I only realised what a bad job they did when my one year old had a rainbow coloured nappy a few days later , no more play dough in our house for a while.

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    Mute Lily
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    May 9th 2015, 12:11 PM

    Drum kit…. I can’t wait till they have kids so I can return the favour. Endless hours of noise…

    Number 2 was a must in my house between my boys who are 17 months apart. Now they are older they like different things but when they were younger I had to buy for them like they were identical twins. Same clothes, same toys.

    I didn’t mind and still don’t mind visitors giving my kids sweets. As long as its not a bucket load, all good.

    For children under 2 buying clothes for the wrong season. They buy summer clothes not realising by the time they will fit in it, it will be winter and visa versa.

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    Mute Boyne Sharky
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    May 9th 2015, 1:33 PM

    Many years ago when my sons were only small I had an old aunt who bought them Christmas presents of electronic ray guns and presented these on Christmas morning.
    It was the closest I think I’ve ever come between wishing someone dead and being willing to carry it out myself and to Hell with the consequences. By 3.00 pm it was decided by unanimous decision that both the ray guns were going to mysteriously break, this was duly carried out and peace was restored to the universe.

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    Mute Aoife McCarrick
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    May 9th 2015, 12:52 PM

    Spending time playing with them is the best present.

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    Mute Sergeant Yates
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    May 9th 2015, 2:05 PM

    *slow clap*

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    Mute Aisling Dermody
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    May 9th 2015, 1:12 PM

    Present giving to children all about you then…

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    Mute stephen
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    May 9th 2015, 1:15 PM

    Mein Kampf the ladybird version.

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    Mute Dave Murray
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    May 9th 2015, 12:28 PM

    50 piece papery cardboard jigsaw for a 3 year old usually takes the scenic route to the recycle bin after a few tantrums trying to find the missing pieces (that they’ve probably eaten).

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    Mute Sandra Turner
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    May 9th 2015, 4:20 PM

    Jesus. My daughter is having her birthday party tomorrow. The only advice I gave to parents was to dress for outdoors play (not in fancy shoes and dresses!). I don’t care what presents she gets. I’m spending my day finding appropriate food and games and baking a cake not worrying about someone buying her a dress! She loves dresses!

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    Mute Fiona Murphy
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    May 9th 2015, 2:32 PM

    Get over yourself.

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    Mute John Ryan
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    May 9th 2015, 1:56 PM

    Anything from The Ann Summers Collection also seems to be frowned on.

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    Mute John Ryan
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    May 9th 2015, 2:04 PM

    Even if you do remember to include the batteries.

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    Mute Amy Shoebridge
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    May 9th 2015, 6:26 PM

    The author sounds like great fun altogether, presents for children are not ment to keep the parents happy they are for the children’s enjoyment. Hopefully the children are more greatful than the parents.

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    Mute Graham Bolton
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    May 9th 2015, 1:54 PM

    Surprised Heroin didn’t make the list,
    given the recent bad press it’s got who can blame it, what

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    Mute Yvonne Mullen
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    May 9th 2015, 5:44 PM

    Was really expecting “don’t give anything that makes endless, loud, annoying noise”, which makes sense. Instead apparently anything that isn’t a baby-go with poppers instead of buttons isn’t ok. Ingrate.

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    Mute Joanne Taaffe Hartnett
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    May 9th 2015, 2:49 PM

    You can buy two of the same toy but they’ll still fight over one of them!

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    Mute Jonathan McKee
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    May 9th 2015, 1:41 PM

    Had a friend try to give my 2 (7 and 4) a jack russell pup as a gift, we have a large veg garden out the back so needless to say i was really annoyed that we were not asked about it first.

    Kids took the pup into the garden while both my wife and myself started into said friend about the pup, when my daughter came in with her brother carrying the pup and said daddy the pup done a pee and poop in the garden, right in my veg patch and promptly turned to our friend and said no thanks you can have the pup back I have to dig my patch again and put more seeds in as your pup just made mine yucky.

    Saved us an argument and tears later :-)

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    Mute Daniel R
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    May 9th 2015, 5:58 PM

    When I was 9 my aunty got me the first issue of a fortnightly calligraphy magazine
    It came with ink
    We had carpet…

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    Mute Minom Pnom
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    May 9th 2015, 1:08 PM

    Jim fixed it for me badge.

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    Mute John Moylan
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    May 9th 2015, 11:51 PM

    Jeez Claire – lighten up. Glad you weren’t aren’t around when I bought my kids motorbikes. ..

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    Mute Ana Nonymous
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    May 9th 2015, 10:57 PM

    I wonder how many gifts her children will receive from family and friends on their next birthday… That’s one party I wouldn’t intend!

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    Mute Michelle Long
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    May 9th 2015, 12:57 PM

    No 2…lol!…so true

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    Mute Cliodhna Lyons
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    May 10th 2015, 12:33 AM

    You never buy toys that make noise, that is the golden rule. I stick with books or book tokens

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