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Scott Foley who plays a "super spy" in the television drama Scandal. Associated Press

'It ranges from being fired to being executed': Former CIA chief on what happens if a spy gets caught

The Director of Counterintelligence talks 9/11, what makes a great spy and the mistakes made in Iraq.

BARRY ROYDEN WAS the Director of Counterintelligence for the CIA from 1997 through 2001.

Business Insider interviewed Royden before his scheduled talk at the Commonwealth Club last month, and covered a number of topics, including the terrorist attacks on 9/11 and what makes a great spy.

While CIA operatives must be sociable, professional and discreet, spies — foreign nationals recruited by the CIA — tend to exhibit different qualities, Royden told us.

The best spies always have access to guarded secrets and a reason to cooperate with their handlers. Royden described possible reasons spies might cooperate with the US.

“They may be angry at something, they may have huge money problems and they decide that the only way to solve them is to get money from us, [or] they may be after revenge,” he said.

After he left the CIA, the terrorist attacks of 11 September 2001 took place, leaving the CIA to deal with the threat of terrorism both at home and abroad.

He admits that although the CIA and the rest of the intelligence community “knew that Osama Bin Laden was a threat…knew Al Qaeda was a threat,” and had even warned the White House of an attack on the homeland in August 2001, they were unable to act on their intelligence because they didn’t know how the attack would be carried out.

Bin Laden Documents Associated Press Associated Press

Royden spent about 40 years with the operations and counterintelligence arms of the organisation before retiring in 2001. From there, he moved on as a contractor, spending his remaining 10 years in the CIA training young officers.

Here’s a transcript of the entire conversation, edited lightly for clarity and length.

BUSINESS INSIDER: You spent years training agent. What comprises training?

BARRY ROYDEN: We’re training our officers skills of recruiting and handling agents. That’s the basic training that we do. So, how do you recruit — the hardest part of our business is getting new agents, getting people to work for us, to steal secrets, and provide intelligence to the United States government. And to handle them successfully — that is — don’t get caught. How do you meet with them directly? Or perhaps you communicate indirectly through various techniques.

In the old days, it used to be putting down a package under a bridge, in a stream, in a park, and the other guy picks it up and he puts down his package and you pick it up.

These days, we do a lot of things with computers. But doing that without getting caught — that’s the most important thing that we do. Recruiting new agents and handling them without getting caught.

So it’s working with people, understanding people, making decisions about what to do in given situations — we use the case method a lot — that is, we look at agent cases and try to dissect them and learn from them.

Each one is different, each one is unique with lots of twists and turns. And we try to use those as teaching vehicles. I explain to the students how a given operation got started, then I progress to the point where the operation hits a crossroads.

I then say, “Ok, here’s where you are. In this case, what would you do? What do you have to worry about? What are the things you have to think about? What are your options and what option would you take?”

And then you tell them, ‘In this case, this is what happened. This is what we did.” Sometimes it probably wasn’t the right thing. But this is what really happened. And then they got to this point, and then there was another crossroads. And then they had to decide, “What do you do now?”

PastedImage-84412

BI: What type of person makes a good spy or agent?

BR: The first thing is access. What you’re looking for is someone that has access to really difficult information to get. Information that you can’t get otherwise. It’s either leadership intentions, military capabilities, the spy service itself — what they’re doing against us — we’re looking for access first.

Then we’re looking for someone who would have a reason to be willing to cooperate with you. It can be that they’re not very happy with their career, it may be that they very much admire the United States — for better or for worse, as messed up as we can be in this country sometimes —most people in the world, if you ask them where they would want to live, it would be in the United States. And we’re the great, golden place that a lot of people want to live. So a lot of people out there say, “Hey, I’d be willing to work and help out the CIA if I can someday end up living in the United States.”

So there’s sensible people who work for us, but there’s also a lot of people who aren’t so sensible that decided they wanted to be spies. They may be angry at something, they may have huge money problems and they decide that the only way to solve them is to get money from us, they may be after revenge.

What we would like to see is a calm, rational, sensible person but very often you get a very emotional, irrational person because normal people don’t usually become spies. So the personality of the people you have to work with can be a tremendous challenge. Very often you’re working with someone where you say, “It’s not a question of if he’s gonna caught, it’s a question of when.”

Because of the way they’re doing this, it’s inevitable that they’re going to get caught. But then you just do your best to keep going. You do your best to prevent them from being caught but you may know the way they are, they’re probably gonna get caught.

BI: What are the consequences if someone happens to get caught?

BR: ”Well, it can range from being fired to being executed.

If you’re a Russian intelligence officer who works for us, in the extreme case they may be executed. More often, people go to jail for awhile. And sometimes, they just lose their job.

We, for the most part, just get kicked out of the country. If we get caught handling a spy, normally we’re under diplomatic cover, we’re out there as US government officials pretending to be someone other than who we are, but we have diplomatic immunity so they can’t throw us in jail. We’re safe, but the agents are the ones who take the great risk.

Now, there are cases where we put operations officers out as business people or somewhere in the private sector, and we’ve had people do quite dangerous things in what we call “nonofficial cover” — pretending to be something other than CIA — but they’re not US government. And if they get caught, we’ve had people go to jail. I don’t know if any of them have been executed, but we’ve had people spend a long time in jail.

RUSSIA GULAG TOURISM A Gulag camp east of Moscow in 1954 Associated Press Associated Press

BI: What makes someone a good handler?

BR: First, I’d say what makes someone a good recruiter. That’s the hardest part of the business. And it’s not the skills that you might think. It’s not that they have a forceful personality and dominating personality like they’re able to convince you to do something. It’s much more that you’re a people person first of all — you like to be out socially, you like to meet people, because really you want to meet as many people as possible, and you want to meet people who have the access and the personality traits that would make them good agents.

So, terrorist organisations aside, we’re looking for other government officials — let’s say we’re looking at the Russian government, Chinese government and Iranian government. We’re looking for intelligence officers, government people close to the leaders of that country, military people, scientists — particularly those that have access to weapons programs or nuclear programs.

Mideast Iran Iraq An Iraqi boy living in Iran holds a toy gun and flashes a victory sign in front of a poster of the Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Associated Press Associated Press

And you can meet those people at diplomatic receptions, you can meet them at conferences, in schools, they come to universities — you want to have that kind of personality where you can meet people well, and then get along with people. And then you want to project a sense of discretion — that you’re a discrete, professional, competent individual. Because if somebody is gonna commit espionage, their first thought is “Is this someone I can trust? Because if pick the wrong person to work with, I get arrested and thrown in jail. So I wanna make sure that this guy — or gal — that I can trust them.”

So you need to project professionalism when you’re out there meeting people. So those are the important skills in terms of being able to recruit people. In terms of handling, really I think that women are better than men in a lot of ways because it’s important to be a good listener, it’s important not to spend a lot of time talking but rather listening and really try to understand what makes this person tick. What’s his value set? What does he respond to? What’s important to him? And then try to manage that relationship accordingly.

PastedImage-21368 A scene from Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

BI: Do handlers and operations officers have to be able to speak the language of their agents?

BR: We try to get a broad range of interests, ethnicities, language skills, both men and women, because obviously some people are gonna blend in better around the world than a white, Anglo-Protestant person like myself. Sometimes, we use intermediaries.

When you get to the question of how do we recruit people in terrorist organisations, there is no way that the American case officer who is a US government official will meet someone from Al Qaeda or have any way in.

So then we have to find someone who is in between. Someone who is halfway between us and them who we might be able to recruit to find a way to get access to information in that organisation.

We also work with foreign intelligence services very closely, particularly in the Middle East and in places where we do stand out and it’s hard to find an American who’ll go there and blend in and move about and look like a native in Middle East. So we rely a lot on friendly intelligence services to help us.

BI: Is it true that if you’re in the field for the CIA, the job requires that you lie, manipulate, and deceive on a daily basis?

BR: We don’t manipulate, we don’t deceive, we don’t coerce, we don’t try to entrap someone to get them to be a spy. We try to meet a lot of people, and look at people who have it in themselves to want to do this, and there’s lots of reasons.

Now, other agencies — the Russians, particularly, and the Chinese, as well — use entrapment to get people to spy. It can be an American government official, it can be a businessperson, anybody that they think can be useful to them. There’s a good chance there will be a woman in front of them, try to entrap them, try to get photos of them in delicto and then use them for blackmail. We don’t do that kind of thing, I mean, you can criticise us for a lot of things, but we don’t do that sort of thing to try to recruit people.

BI:What are the most critical language needs of the CIA?

BR: These days I would say Chinese, Arabic, Farsi are the top languages that are important, but that’s always a moving target. A lot of times, we’ll be criticised for not having enough language speakers, but all of a sudden Afghanistan pops up and it’s the centre of the world and all of a sudden we need Urdu and Swahili.

Well, we don’t have a lot of them. We have a lot of French speakers and German speakers and Spanish speakers, so it’s hard to keep up. At another point in time, in the Balkans — Kosovo — we needed Serbian, and we didn’t have a lot of those languages. So Chinese, Farsi, Arabic, and certainly Russian as well are languages of great value to us. Because those countries are not going to go away anytime soon in terms of national importance … and Korean, as well.

BI: Why did the US intelligence community not foresee 9/11?

BR:  If you read the literature correctly, you will see that the US intelligence community did foresee that we were gonna be attacked.

We were very much focused on Osama Bin Laden, we knew he posed a danger, they had already bombed the embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, they’d attacked the USS Cole, so we knew that Osama Bin Laden was a threat, we knew Al Qaeda was a threat, and we were preaching around town — to the White House — that in fact in August of 2001 there was a big report that an attack on the homeland was expected.

What we didn’t know and what was extremely hard to know was exactly how we were going to be attacked. They had 20 trained individuals to hijack four airplanes and fly them into buildings and there were very few people in Al Qaeda who knew about that plot.

 

Those 20, and probably a few others who helped manage the plot.

Sept 11- Health AP Photo / Chao Soi Cheong AP Photo / Chao Soi Cheong / Chao Soi Cheong

 

In the best of worlds, we would have found out ahead of time and stopped it, but that’s very hard to do. It’s a very hard thing to figure out and find out about any given individual terrorist plot, because every plot is gonna be very compartmented. A small group of people who say, ‘We’re gonna go do this.’

The shoe bomber is going to get on a plane and fly in to Detroit and blow up a plane. Somebody else is gonna put that bomb in a car. It’s very difficult to prevent a few people from carrying out an act of terrorism. That’s our job to try to prevent it, and there haven’t been any attacks on the homeland since 9/11, so you can sort of give us some credit for that. But 11 September, that was a terrible thing, and a lot of people in CIA felt terrible that it happened and we didn’t get the intelligence ahead of time to stop it.

BI: What has the intelligence community learned since then?

BR: Well, a number of things have changed. Congress, I like to say in its “infinite wisdom” created a new superstructure that created the Director of National Intelligence.

They created another layer of the intelligence community which I think frankly did no good at all, but nonetheless that’s what elected officials often do when something bad happens — they say “we fixed that problem because we created something”.

The main thing we learned is that closer, better cooperation is key among the different agencies — CIA, FBI, NSA, police services — we always worked with them but there were occasional turf struggles and cultural differences which still exist — it’s just natural — but we work much more closely now.

We have what we call “centres” now. We have something called the Counterterrorism Center in CIA and in that centre we have FBI officers, NSA officers, we have technical people, we have targeting people, we have analysts, all of them work close together to share information better.

BI: Are the roles for each agency clearly distinct nowadays?

BR: The NSA remains the lead agency for offensive signals intelligence — nowadays it’s going after computer systems, but they still call it SIGINT [Signals Intelligence]. NSA has the primary responsibility for the defensive side — for protecting American computer systems, both in the public and private sector. The trouble is, it’s extremely difficult, in fact, it’s impossible — everyone is connected to everyone, and as long as you’re connected you’re vulnerable.

PastedImage-82973 AP AP

 

And there are firewalls, but every firewall is potentially defeatable, so it’s a nightmare in my mind. You have to think that other governments have the capability to bring down the main computer systems in this country, power grids, hospitals, or banking systems — things that could cause great economic upheaval and paralyse the country.

Now, if they were to do it to us and we were to do it to them, it would almost be like a nuclear standoff. They could do it but if they did it what would the cost be? Because they know we have the same capabilities and that we presumably attack their computer systems the same way and we could destroy their economy. So you hope that no one is going to do that but you’re vulnerable.

These days, I think the cyberworld is the big threat.

BI: What do you think is the biggest threat to America right now?

BR: You always have to worry about weapons of mass destruction, and beside nuclear bombs you could also have small, nuclear devices that can be smuggled into a country and be blown up and you also have chemical and biological weapons that conceivably could be used by terrorists.

The good news is that it’s very hard to build a chemical weapon that is large enough and powerful enough. And it is extremely hard to build a nuclear device if you’re an amateur, get all the materials put together, and smuggle it into this country. It’s not easy.

Certainly, Al Qaeda would do it if they could. We knew for years that Al Qaeda was attempting to get their hands on nuclear technology or on uranium to try to build a device that they could smuggle into this country. So far, they’ve never been able to do it.

BI: What do you think is the biggest threat to America in the next decade or so?

BR: I don’t think the nuclear threat is going away anytime soon. You’ve got the Pakistanis with nuclear capability, you’ve got the Iranians with close to nuclear capability, the North Koreans have it, India has the bomb, China has it, Russia has it, and there’s so much of this stuff out there that you have to worry about it entering the wrong hands.

Or, Pakistan could become a failed state, heaven forbid, and those things aren’t gonna change, frankly. There may be new, different things to worry about, but as far as I know those will continue to be the big things.

BI: On that note, considering the potentially volatile consequences of Iran gaining nuclear capabilities, how would that affect the region?

BR: Iran is a major player that we have to worry about. Ever since they threw out the Shah —and we had supported the Shah — we have been enemies of the Iranian government. And we had some vicious stuff go on between the two countries.

They’ve supported Hamas and Hezbollah and both of those organisations have carried out terrorist attacks against the United States. They were involved in killing Americans in Iraq while we were there. So, they have a history of violence against American interest.

Nonetheless, they’re a country like any other country. I think the government is attempting to neutralise the problem by talking to Iran and now they seem to be willing to talk, which I think is a good thing. They will always be an intelligence interest to us — that is, we’re always gonna want to know behind the scenes — is what we’re seeing really what’s going on. That is, are they really willing to cooperate?

Are they really willing to not move towards developing a nuclear bomb? Our job as the intelligence community is to find out. To try to make sure that what they say they’re doing is really what they’re doing. Of course, part of the deal is that they’ve agreed to inspections by the IAEA and such.

But they will always be an important country for US intelligence interests because they will always be an intelligence threat. They’ve been a real threat over the years, and in the future they could be a potentially dangerous country that we could end up having problems with.

BI: Is there a need for more human intelligence around the world?

BR: I would always say that we need a strong worldwide presence. I don’t agree with those who believe that as we get more technically competent we don’t need human intelligence as much, because we can collect with signals intelligence and satellites and what have you. And more and more information is available publicly and therefore we don’t need to steal as many secrets.

I would strongly disagree but there’s only one way to try and find out what a leader is going to do, and that’s talking to people who are talking to that person who’d know him or her. Plans and intentions — you can’t steal that through satellites. You can steal capabilities through satellites.

You’re always going to need spies, I think.

Now, do you need a bigger CIA or smaller CIA? I would say you need a bigger CIA to have what we call “global coverage”, to have capabilities so we can be pretty much everywhere in the world, because you never know where the next crisis is going to emerge. Just when you say “well, we don’t need anybody in the middle of Africa anymore,” all of sudden there’s violence out there and Boko Haram is out there killing people.

Nigeria Boko Haram Associated Press Associated Press

BI: So, for instance, the sudden emergence of ISIS. How do you defeat something like that?

BR: Again, speaking from personal opinion — I think that you have to try and attack the roots, which are unemployment and poverty and bad governance in a lot of these countries where you have dictatorships. It’s kind of like kids that come from a bad family — if you have a broken family and you have an abusive parent you’re gonna end up a lot of times with kids who grow up and do a lot of bad things.

And you’re going to have terrorists out there and we have to do a better job of trying to find ways that the poor, young people around the world have a sense of a life.

Now, saying it and doing it are two different things.

But, that’s the basic underlying thing that has to change, otherwise it’ll be young people who are desperate and have nowhere to turn so they end up turning to violence. Or, they’re easily recruited to volatile things because they kind of have a hopeless situation and someone says, “I’ll give you a salary and treat you and give a gun and give you a chance to be somebody.”

And let’s face it, Al Qaeda and ISIS — they pay people and give them a salary. And they train them and they use them and — it’s a job, it’s a life better than what they had before.

BI: Could we have prevented the emergence of ISIS and similar groups by abstaining from entering the region in the first place?

BR: Again, speaking from personal opinion, I think it was a mistake to attack Iraq.

The CIA doesn’t have an opinion on what US presidents do, that’s not their job.

And who knows, maybe 50 years from now we’ll look back and say that was actually the right thing to do.

Syria Going Alone Associated Press Associated Press

 

Certainly, Saddam Hussein was a vicious tyrant and evil person who gassed his enemies domestically. So, the world was done a favour when he was eliminated. But, the problem is what happens after you’re done. In the Middle East and Africa, country after country is filled with poverty, violence, corruption — we didn’t invade all those countries but they all seem to have the same problems. I don’t know what you’ll do about it. It’s pretty frustrating.

The invasion of Iraq wasn’t well done. You could argue, if we had gone in and thrown out Saddam Hussein and had not dismantled the military, putting all those soldiers out of work and income — they had weapons and were militarily trained so a lot of them went into fighting against us.

If we had given them a job and kept them as an organised institution, if we’d have done things differently in Iraq, it might have turned out much better. We tried to go in and out on the cheap, which was a big mistake. Go in, overthrow him, and pull out, and democracy would flourish. Well, that was never going to happen because of the Shite, Sunni, and Kurds hatred that existed over the centuries, and they were gonna be at each other’s throats as soon as you removed the tyrant who kept them in line.

BUSINESS INSIDER: So how did you end up as the Director of Counterintelligence for the CIA?

 Ok, so I was an Operations officer in the CIA, and CIA counterintelligence is in the Operations Directorate — it is an operational discipline. Our main operational thrust is to recruit agents, to recruit people who can provide intelligence to the US government. In the counterintelligence field, the goal is to recruit what we call penetrations of hostile intelligence services.

So, we know the Russians are trying to steal American secrets, the best way to defend ourselves is to recruit Russian officers of their intelligence services. The ones who might know about Americans who are working for the Russians. So, I was in the Operations Directorate and before I moved into counterintelligence — I was in Germany. And I was working for a man named Gardner Hathaway.

He came back to Washington to be Director of Counterintelligence and he asked me to be his deputy. That was 1985, so for three years I was the deputy for counterintelligence and then some 10 years later in 1997, I was named the chief of counterintelligence. So I spent five years doing counterintelligence, the other 35 years I was doing regular operational activities.

BI: So you retired in 2001 and, from there, where did you go?

BR: I spent 10 years as a contractor basically training — training young officers. I did other operational things — I was on a couple of accountability boards and things like that. But for the most part I was doing training.

State surveillance: How Gardaí and others can secretly monitor you

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Read: ‘The UK respects Ireland’s privacy, there is no question of any mass surveillance’

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    Mute seamus mcdillon
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:01 PM

    I did. Not because I thought I needed permission but because it was his only daughter and thought the tradition might be nice.

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    Mute Charles Alexander
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:13 PM

    @seamus mcdillon:
    Nice and respectful.

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    Mute Gulliver Foyle
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:39 PM

    @seamus mcdillon: it sounds like a nice idea, but I think it’s one of those traditions that should be broken. I’d much rather they were respectful to my daughter than to me, and I wouldn’t take offence by it. If one of their boyfriends actually meant it (thinking that we own these women) then it would be a definite “no”.

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    Mute Mark Johnson
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:28 PM

    @Gulliver Foyle: does the same apply to a woman, do you think….to an only son?

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    Mute Eleanor of Aquitaine
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:28 PM

    @Gulliver Foyle:

    Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire.

    Can’t they be respectful to you, your daughter, and the tradition, No?

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    Mute Michael Carty
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    Feb 13th 2018, 6:20 PM

    @Charles Alexander: Nice and respectful to you wife whom ownership is implied by asking permission to marry her. That’s my view and why I didn’t ask

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    Mute helen walsh
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    Feb 13th 2018, 9:14 PM

    @Charles Alexander: first you ask the daughter

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    Mute Charles Alexander
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    Feb 14th 2018, 4:13 AM

    @helen walsh:
    That really speaks for itself, does it not?

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    Mute Charles Alexander
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    Feb 14th 2018, 4:18 AM

    @Michael Carty:
    When I asked permission, I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t feel that my wife’s mother ‘owned’ her daughter therefore, I wasn’t seeking a transfer of ownership
    I essentially asked for her blessing and did so out of respect.
    I think we really need to get over ourselves on this one.

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    Mute Ireland Just shoot me
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:51 PM

    her parents asked me would I get on with it and marry her they wanted to put her room on AiRBnb.

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    Mute TheBluffmaster2
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:28 PM

    @Ireland Just shoot me: it would depend on the dowry-if I was getting a site or even two cows i’d nearly take the hand off him.

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    Mute prop joe
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:46 PM

    @Ireland Just shoot me: nice people who understand the value of a buck. Make sure you charge well for permission to visit their grandchildren.

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    Mute Maggie O'Connor
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:59 PM

    I think no, there’s a sense if “ownership” about it that makes me uncomfortable.

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    Mute Alan Scott
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:07 PM

    @Maggie O’Connor: Oh God here we go again with.
    ITS A WOMAN’S THING.

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    Mute Maggie O'Connor
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:17 PM

    @Alan Scott: what have you got against womans things?.. most men like them.

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    Mute Deborah Behan
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:29 PM

    @Maggie O’Connor: my dad would say no just because he asked! A couple is a team who decides their own future together not one asking for permission to marry the other to someone else. No matter who they are.

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    Mute James Brown
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:44 PM

    @Deborah Behan: Hard to believe it still happens- likes it’s 1912 forever.

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    Mute Dan
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:51 PM

    @Maggie O’Connor: made me smilr

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    Mute Alan Scott
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:12 PM

    @Maggie O’Connor: Ha Ha LOL

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    Mute Claire Fogarty
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:06 PM

    Why I need permission or a blessing from anyone to make an adult decision is deeply insulting to me. It’s an old school tradition based on ownership of the woman. Anyone who actually likes this needs to have a good think about the origins of this so archaic tradition.

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    Mute Charles Alexander
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:26 PM

    @Claire Fogarty:
    I assume you would take exception with your partner asking your parents for permission?
    I assume also, you feel the same way regarding engagement and the wearing of an engagement ring? The same argument concerning ‘ ownership’ applies.
    I’m not tying to be smart here, I’m generally interested in your views as this was a lighthearted family debate held over the Christmas.

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    Mute I'm not wavy gravy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:33 PM

    @Claire Fogarty: It’s a gesture of respect to a woman’s father and nothing more. It’s facile to think people in this day and age actually believe a father conveys ownership of his daughter.

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    Mute Lad
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:42 PM

    @I’m not wavy gravy: Ownership? Its to do with respect.. I also don’t see who it is archaic.

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    Mute DaisyChainsaw
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:48 PM

    @I’m not wavy gravy: Is there any gesture of respect to the worman’s other parent, or is it only the father who gets asked to hand his daughter over?

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    Mute Austin Rock
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:49 PM

    @Claire Fogarty: Agreed BUT sitting down your parent(s) and TELLING tghem your future plans is just plain respect is it not? Well maybe if you don’t have a decent relationship with the parents you are not so obliged. Seeking permission is bloody nonsense. We are not living in medieval ireland (Oh wait Medieval Ireland was far more organised and respectful of women than some are now).

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    Mute I'm not wavy gravy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:58 PM

    @DaisyChainsaw: This particular tradition usually pertains to the father/daughter relationship. If you want to start a new one there’s nothing stopping you.

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    Mute I'm not wavy gravy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:00 PM

    @Lad: Isn’t that what I said?

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    Mute DaisyChainsaw
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:24 PM

    @I’m not wavy gravy: The “tradition” has it’s basis in the woman to be married as property to be traded between one owner (father) and another (husband).

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    Mute I'm not wavy gravy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:35 PM

    @DaisyChainsaw: Yes and as I’ve already said it’s a facile understanding to assume that this is still the case.

    A moment ago you asked me if there was a similar tradition for the other parent. Does this mean you’re ok with the notion of gifting ownership of a daughter so long as the mother is consulted too? Or are you just picking sex-based arguments as usual?

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    Mute Jed I. Knight
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:42 PM

    @Claire Fogarty: Yet, were someone to hold a chair out for you, or to hold a door open for you would you give them a good tongue lashing and tell them how insulting you find these archaic traditions? I very much doubt it. Both of these “chivalrous” acts have their origins with ladies wide bustle, the large frame under their dress which made opening doors and sitting difficult.
    Most old traditions would not be applicable in todays world, they’re just traditions – nothing more. Every culture, country, and possibly locality has them, trying to make sense of them in todays world, complaining about them when they don’t fit your understanding is, well. Silly. It’s YOU who doesn’t understand. Have you ever shaken hands with someone, ever said “bless you”, when someone sneezes, all traditions, all archaic. None invented or designed to insult womanhood or you. Have a nice life.

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    Mute Karen Wellington
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:46 PM

    @I’m not wavy gravy: so you’re patronising the father?

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    Mute James Mc Loughlin
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    Feb 13th 2018, 6:18 PM

    @Claire Fogarty: Its called respect

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    Mute Ben McArthur
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:48 PM

    Yes, if your partner is under 18. Not if he or she is an adult.

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    Mute Michael Powell
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:57 PM

    @Ben McArthur: it’s not wrong to ask your future father in law for his daughters hand in marriage. I personally like the tradition and it’s a mark of respect to your future father in law. Absolutely nothing wrong with not asking either though.

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    Mute Brian
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:12 PM

    @Michael Powell: Totally disagree – No need to lick up to the parents when asking the woman in your life to marry you. If you have been respectful and looked after her while together you’ll know the parents will approve. I didn’t ask as I knew my wife would have liked to have being asked first.

    A lot of woman like to break the news to their families rather than having people know before. Weddings are based around a lot of outdated traditions for sure but I cringe at this particular one when I hear lads doing it. It’s not like you won’t propose if they say no :)

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    Mute Michael Powell
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:22 PM

    @Brian: that’s why it’s a personal choice. It’s not wrong either way. It may be an outdated tradition to me and you but to my father in law, it meant the world to him. It was gesture of respect to him to take him for a few pints and ask him.

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    Mute DaisyChainsaw
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:47 PM

    @Michael Powell: A mark of respect to your future father in law and a mark of disrespect to the person you’re marrying. S/he isn’t property to be given and taken. Did you demand a dowry for her too?

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    Mute TheBluffmaster2
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:26 PM

    @Michael Powell: should you have asked him first before you took him for the few pints-might have enjoyed the few pints better.

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    Mute Gulliver Foyle
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:42 PM

    @Brian: But Brian, in a lot of cases you will be getting hand out after hand out from the bride’s family (deposits, babysitting, loans, advice), so a bit of fake licking up might be a safe bet.

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    Mute Michael Powell
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    Feb 13th 2018, 4:40 PM

    @DaisyChainsaw: wow. Feminism in full swing. Did you ever think that my wife also saw it as a lovely gesture too! It’s not about ownership, should we forget all traditions?

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    Mute Jonathan Power
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:00 PM

    Of course I’d ask because he’ll be the one paying.

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    Mute Mark Johnson
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:31 PM

    @Jonathan Power: You living in 1971 ?

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Feb 13th 2018, 10:24 PM

    @Jonathan Power: Why, as you can tell the parents that you and their daughter now share so much in common… As that is what the STI clinic said, lol.

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    Mute Alan Scott
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:03 PM

    My future son in law asked me for my daughter’s hand in marriage. They should it’s a nice gesture of respect starting off.

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    Mute Brian Ó Dálaigh
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:22 PM

    @Alan Scott: Of course it is a nice gesture of respect. It shows how, until she marries, your daughter is your property and after marriage will be your son-in-law’s property. Silly women getting above their station and expecting to be the first to be asked in how the rest of their lives will pan out.

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    Mute Alan Scott
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:17 PM

    @Brian Ó Dálaigh: She is not marrying my daughter (he is) you have miss read my post as well. Go back to bed and stop getting excited

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    Mute Mark Johnson
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:32 PM

    @Alan Scott: If HE is a nice guy and HE is known to be one..then there is no need for this archaic crap

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    Mute Brian Ó Dálaigh
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:39 PM

    @Alan Scott: I never said she is marrying your daughter. Please, learn how to read English and try to understand the meaning of punctuation. I’m not particularly excited about the issue. I’m more mocking your archaic belief system that entails treating women as property that requires permission before being passed into someone else’s ownership. There is no need for excitement as, thankfully, your ilk are a fast-dying breed.

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    Mute TheBluffmaster2
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:46 PM

    @Mark Johnson: oh i think there. is-He was feeding her long enough-now you’ll be feeding another mans daughter.

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    Mute Tweed Cap
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:56 PM

    I’d like to take this opportunity to take deep offense and get outraged on behalf of everyone that ever married an orphan.

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    Mute seamus mcdillon
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:05 PM

    @Tweed Cap: well really is Fine Gaels fault.

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    Mute Clancy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:11 PM

    If any man ever asks for my daughters hand in marriage I’m using the precedent set by Heracles and I am going to set him 12 labours.

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    Mute Clancy
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:14 PM

    @Clancy: Or Hercules, whatever his name was.
    1 : Solve the homelessness crisis
    2. Reform the Irish banking system.
    3. Introduce Universal Basic Income.
    4. Roll out Rural broadband.

    I should probably start him on an easy one though.

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    Mute Charles McCarthy
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    Feb 14th 2018, 1:36 AM

    @Clancy:
    1 – He and she can pay for a roof over their head. That’s enough for now.
    2 – No bank needed, equality means she can earn her own moolah.
    3 – What’s mine is hers, is that not enough?
    4 – No time for browsing the web, babas to be made and looked after.

    Right….. We good to go?

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    Mute Murph
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:12 PM

    Only if the terms and conditions cover a return if unsatisfied!
    It’s a joke ladies!

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Feb 13th 2018, 10:27 PM

    @Murph: And where is that stamped lol.

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    Mute Ania_on_coffee
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:49 PM

    I’m happy that my Irish husband asked my parent’s approval to marry me, or talked it through with them. It’s nothing to do with ownership, it simply shows he respects my parents, which is important to me.

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    Mute James Brown
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    Feb 13th 2018, 4:02 PM

    @Ania_on_coffee: Did you speak to his parents too?.

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    Mute Ania_on_coffee
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    Feb 13th 2018, 4:39 PM

    @James Brown: James Brown: LOL you mean did I ask their permission? My husband asked me to marry him and I agreed, it’s not me who asked. A man can ask if he wants to for an opinion of his own family about the woman prior to proposing to the woman. Of course we spoke to his family but it was more of an announcement.

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    Mute James Brown
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    Feb 13th 2018, 7:43 PM

    @Ania_on_coffee: Lol why does he “ask for approval” and you announce it to your family?

    This is very sad.

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    Mute Ania_on_coffee
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    Feb 13th 2018, 10:33 PM

    @James Brown: Because I’m younger than my husband, I lived with my parents before marriage and I’m their only daughter. My husband is a fully independent grown man.

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    Mute Ciara Ni Mhurchu
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:31 PM

    No. A father doesn’t own his daughter so his permission isn’t necessary.
    Some people might think it’s a sign of respect but it’s pretty disrespectful to the woman you want to marry and her mother.
    As it tends to be women who brings kids into the world and who does the majority of the childrearing, why is their ‘permission’ not requested?

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:50 PM

    @Ciara Ni Mhurchu: so is picking and choosing traditions ok then? Will you wear a dress or a black pant suit to marry? Will you cut the cake together? Or will you show the world you can cut the cake yourself? You should check the meaning of those two before you giddy up on your high horse.

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    Mute Ciara Ni Mhurchu
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    Feb 13th 2018, 9:30 PM

    @Brendan Hughes: Of course picking and choosing traditions is ok.
    People make their own traditions. It was tradition to go to mass every Sunday. How many do that now?

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    Feb 13th 2018, 9:46 PM

    @Ciara Ni Mhurchu: then if that’s how you feel then you have no right to criticise what traditions others choose to stick with.

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    Mute Eamonn Kenny
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:39 PM

    I did. Not because I needed permission but because it’s a tradition and I think it’s a nice one.
    Personal preference, if he said no I’d have asked regardless.

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    Mute
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:16 PM

    It not about the parents saying yes/no, it can be time for the parents to voice concerns or give advice. And that parents love and care even tho will be still there you will taken on the same.

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    Mute BlueSkyThinking
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:21 PM

    Did I ask for his permission when she got pregnant first, hell no!

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    Mute League of shadows
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:41 PM

    Hello! we’re in the 21st century not the 21st year

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    Mute John003
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    Feb 13th 2018, 12:54 PM

    In much of the world parents arrange the wife for a man….Idea is parents know son or daughter better than Western idea of falling in love….India Pakistan China and many Africian countries have this practice…..In India a dowry in gold must be paid…..Otherwise no marriage…….Western idea of chemistry and falling in love is more recent practice in Western countries….

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    Mute Barry O Rourke
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:20 PM

    Only if they’re under 14

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    Mute Garreth Byrne
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:25 PM

    If two people are marrying under the age of 30, two families are being brought into an in-law relationship. We can’t expect all in-laws to like each other personally, but if a marriage subsequently gets into difficulties, there are members of both families who may be able to step in discreetly and help.
    Where farms, farm outhouses and expensive farm equipment are involved, inter-family mediation and co-operation are important. Our divorce law has made farm families cagey about people about to wed. They are in great numbers expecting the intending marriage partners to sign pre-nuptial agreements regarding disposal of essential equipment and farm infrastructure. Contemporary Irish society has become undertain about the stability of the institution of marriage.

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    Mute Austin Rock
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:43 PM

    Look there is no obligation on anyone to ask “permission” for a daughters/sons hand, they are no ones property. BUT assuming the son/daughter have already agreed to getting married – to sit down and explain this to the parents is lets face just showing a wee bit of respect. I know respect is very difficult for some people to cope with – if someone DIDN’T sit me down and explain their plans I would explain they are being disrespectful and I would be worried that your lack of respect shows/displays a serious weakness of character.

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    Mute Gerald Kelleher
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:13 PM

    @Austin Rock: Clearly a man is looking for a father’s blessing rather than permission as who is more valuable in a father’s eyes than his daughter.

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:46 PM

    @Austin Rock: spot on Austin.

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    Mute Orela Krawczyk
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:58 PM

    I don’t belong to my parents so why the hell should the person who wants to marry ask my parents permission????? I understand it was very different story when this “tradition “ began but not in this day and age

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    Mute James Brown
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:52 PM

    Ah yes the Romans have just conquered Catharge and some prat is asking a grown womans father for permission to marry ….. ffs

    Any self respecting father would be disgusted at the backwardness of it all. Embarrassing.

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    Mute Giovanni Casermaggio
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:19 PM

    No old fashion..maybe my grandfather did

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    Mute TheBluffmaster2
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:30 PM

    @Giovanni Casermaggio: was he Italian.

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    Mute Liam Whelan
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    Feb 13th 2018, 1:44 PM

    I asked my wife’s mother if it would be ok with her if asked her daughter to marry me, they both said yes! Don’t know what I’d have done if her mother said no!!

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    Mute Mattia Accinelli
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:24 PM

    Ask permission to your wife-to-be to ask permission to her father, no brainer!

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    Mute Brendan Hughes
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:26 PM

    I asked her father, out of respect and I expect the same respect to be afforded to me. It is asking permission to ask for her hand not asking permission to marry. She might say no after all.

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    Mute Ciara Ni Mhurchu
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    Feb 13th 2018, 9:32 PM

    @Brendan Hughes: So you’re asking her dad for her hand but not for permission to marry her, although you’ll ask for his permission to marry her anyway?

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    Mute Charles McCarthy
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    Feb 14th 2018, 1:40 AM

    @Ciara Ni Mhurchu: I only asked so I could broach the small matter of a dowry, you know like, love goes out the same door that poverty comes in. Minor matter, but she’d want to have something more than the legs of a lark like.

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    Mute Charles McCarthy
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    Feb 14th 2018, 1:43 AM

    @Ciara Ni Mhurchu: Are you stalking poor Brendan.

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    Mute Ronan Sexton
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    Feb 13th 2018, 6:14 PM

    Wouldn’t you be pure morto if you asked the da first, he said ‘work away kid’ and then she said no? Totes awks.

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    Mute Charles Williams
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    Feb 13th 2018, 7:03 PM

    What if you asked her parents and they said yes, but the prospective wife then went on to say no.? Do you go back to the parents and withdraw you request for permission.?

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    Mute Claire
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    Feb 14th 2018, 9:03 AM

    It should not be expected anymore.
    I think my dad would be very surprised if he was put in this positions.

    I think a you should have met and have a good relationship with her parents. If your going to do anything why not include both her parents?

    But personally, I don’t agree with surprise engagements. I think it’s something you both should be talking openly about, where at some point you are both talking with your families about the prospect of a wedding coming up.

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    Mute FlopFlipU
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    Feb 13th 2018, 3:48 PM

    I now have a list of names on this topic ,and I am not going to marry them not alone ask their parents for their hands or the rest of them for that matter in marriage as I know right well I would not get on with them .I will stay single and keep looking around

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    Mute cortisola
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    Feb 13th 2018, 2:02 PM

    Pity we push people to go over all these stupid proceedings each time they wan to marry / divorce.

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Feb 13th 2018, 10:22 PM

    Can I marry your waster / slut???

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    Mute Niallers
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    Feb 13th 2018, 6:10 PM

    Only if the parents pay for the wedding

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Feb 13th 2018, 10:30 PM

    @Niallers: Out of joy or out of relief?

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    Mute Cork Truck Driver
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    Feb 13th 2018, 5:34 PM

    i didn’t ask. We already had one child together at the time, were days away from a second and fast forward we are still together and expecting babies 4 & 5. The father in law to be gave us €100 upon hearing the news.

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