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IN 2014, CHILDLINE responded to over 36,000 contacts from children in relation to abuse and welfare. Many of these were from children and young people who had experienced domestic violence.
The stark reality of life for a young person living in a violent home is one of stress, trauma and worry. It is all pervasive- affecting their ability to learn, to socialise and to play. For this reason, and for the thousands of children and young people across Ireland who have a right to be safe, we are urging decision makers to be far-reaching in their aspirations for the Domestic Violence Bill. We believe Irish children deserve nothing less.
And we are not alone. In June of this year, the UN Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights delivered a clear appeal to the Irish government to strengthen its response to domestic violence in Ireland. Criticism of the Irish legal system and its response to domestic violence dates back to 1995 and many of the issues are equally salient twenty years on.
‘Children themselves are in violent relationships’
The time has come for the government to make long-lasting change and transform the system to one in which everyone who is subjected to domestic abuse are shown due concern and dignity. So the ISPCC welcomes the publication of the General Scheme of the Domestic Violence Bill 2015 and acknowledges this as an essential step in enhancing supports and protections for victims of domestic violence.
However, while most people accept that children who witness violence must be protected, there is considerably less public debate on the need to protect children who are themselves in violent relationships.
Europe–wide research proves this point- girls from age 15 onwards have reported experiencing violence in their own relationships, and I have experience of working with children as young as 13 who had begun abusive relationships. While these relationships are often short-lived, they can be experienced as intensely as adult relationships. However, these relationships are not always taken seriously.
In the ISPCC we have heard from children as young as ten who are experiencing abuse in their relationships. They feel pressure to have sex knowing the legal age is 17. However, they feel if they do not then there is the possibility that the person will no longer be interested in them. Peer pressure and influences from friends can often push the young person into doing something they are not comfortable with, and not ready for on an emotional level.
‘Punching became normalised over time’
My work with children in this situation has taught me that children lack experience in constructing healthy relationships and often fail to recognise the abuse that is taking place. I have worked with clients, as young as 15 and 16 years of age who experience high levels of coercive control in their relationships; over who they can talk to and where they can go.
Working with one young person, violence such as aggressive arm twisting and punching became normalised over time, with the issue of self-blame becoming prominent. The experience of abuse within this relationship was slowly articulated over time through one to one support, as the young person became more aware of the issue and how this was not healthy relationship behaviours.
Throughout the relationship the young person explained that they had felt confused and deeply isolated- feeling unable to speak with parents or friends. Often, young people have grown to recognise the situation as just another example that a jealous partner is protective and may think that it is acceptable behaviour. In other circumstances they are too scared to challenge their partner’s behaviour or to end the relationship. But in all cases that I have dealt with, the young person has disclosed their feelings of fear, uncertainty, anxiety and powerlessness within these relationships
The proposals in the Domestic Violence Bill do not sufficiently provide for this child- and they should. The Bill applies too narrowly to circumstances where couples co-habit and in its current form does not recognise that a young person may themselves be a victim of an abusive partner, instead only providing for young people as ‘dependent children’ of a victim. This is a missed opportunity, and a failure to reflect the lives of young people in Ireland.
While we welcome the inclusion of provisions that will both support individuals and expedite the processes for dealing with domestic violence, we have concerns about some of the messages the Bill gives to children and young people. For example, the Bill does not allow for the application of for a safety order from a person under 18 in their own right. Clearly the lack of insight into the origins and reality of domestic violence needs to be emphasised. Unhealthy relationship patterns usually start young and last a lifetime.
One of the most important lessons we can teach our children is their right to be safe. This includes in their own relationships. This bill could underscore this principle by enabling young people to be proactive in securing their own safety, rather than depending on others. It would be a real ‘game changer’ to send out a strong message to young people that domestic violence can happen to them, that they can get help, and that they can take action.
2015 could be the year in which Ireland rectifies its failings to children and individuals affected by domestic violence, if government listens to children and young people and clearly demonstrates that it values a child’s right to be safe.
The ISPCC provides services to children who have witnessed and been the victims of domestic violence. Alex O’Keefe is the Regional Manager for the South and South East.
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never stay for the sake of the kids because believe me you’re doing more harm than good . listening to the abuse , being terrified in your bed at night , it stays with a child forever , never goes away .
And you’ll probably end up funding the life style of your abuser.
Maintenance for kids is not same as funding the lifestyle of abuser!
It great to see male victims of domestic abusers have your support….. as long as they pay maintenance.
Abuse is wrong whether you are male or female! Maintenance and custody is a separate matter
*access*
Abuse and custody are separate matters? Only if you are a man. For god sake, listen to yourself.
If a man gets abused by a woman he needs to cop himself on.
victim blaming there Alan ?
In Denmark their CSO equivalent works out the cost of raising a kid. That’s what’s paid in child support no matter how rich or poor you are. private school or skiing holidays, work it out on your own.
Jeez Alan, with comments like that it’s no wonder male victims don’t get the support they deserve
shanti , you think that’s bad , you see what he wrote in the other article , shocking it is .
Alan, you need to Cop on.. You @ss!
Fear and shame, the two biggest obstacles any victim of abuse ever have to face. That and, “sure it must have been my own fault”. If anyone out there is a victim of abuse, of any kind, speak up. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, or if it’s recent or now, you deserve better and deserve justice, you owe it to yourself. The only real way you’ll ever not be a “victim” is to strike back, take control and get the justice you deserve, you are never too old, or too young to get that.
Well said Stephen.
Thank you Nigel, being a victim once is enough for anyone, don’t ever be a victim twice by letting someone get away with it.
“… to strike back…” ?
Yet again so many people confuse justice with revenge.
It works this way…
If you want justice, you ask those in authority to investigate. If you want revenge, strike away… But remember that others may be watching and that vengeance doesn’t establish justice, it invites it.
This opinion piece was published this morning with the headline “‘Children being abused in their relationships tell us they feel isolated and unable to talk’ but only got 14 or so comments by lunchtime.
Now its been changed to one that highlights abuse of girls by boys “Young girls are being told who to talk to and where to go by their boyfriends” Why the change Alex? A cynic would think you have updated it with a more confrontational headline pitching one gender against the other to stir up conflict.
That would be the Journals call I would think, Peter. But well spotted> You’re absolutely correct.
@Well spotted Peter.
Feminist clickbait far more likely to generate comments than reason and logic.
no the article headline didn’t say that this morning , it said ‘ kids as young as 10 years are abused in their relationships ‘ while I found to be strange because kids at ten years of age should not be in a relationship .
I do however agree with the rest of your comment Peter .
Dispicable headline to this article. Its about time people confronted the reality that both young males and young females can both be abused by partners.
Such shameful click bait when the article itself is actually quite balanced.
See my comment above – it started with a neutral headline this morning but that didn’t get enough attention so they changed it to stir up controversy. Very low standards these days at the Journal
#notallmen
Kelly Davis-Jordan. You seem to have great difficulty accepting the reality that DV is gender blind and that DV is a relationship issue and not a gendered one. Findings in Ireland, have unequivocally shown that to be the case and the research itself says exactly that – it is not a gender issue. It’s a relationship one. If you can;t handle that basic truth, you have no business patronising others.
And you’re correct about Lesbian relationships. And check out traveller stats too. They’re insane.
Wilful ignorance is to blame. DV outside of adult heterosexual relationships with children involved has been routinely ignored despite lesbians being at the greatest risk of violence in a relationship. A 2009 NSPCC report into domestic violence in teenage relationships, showed teenage boys suffer comparable rates of violence from their girlfriends as do teenage girls from their boyfriends. In the same year another report, this time by Childline, found that of the children who called to report sexual abuse, a total of 8,457 were girls (64pc) and 4,780 were boys (36pc). The charity also found boys were more likely to say they had been sexually abused by a woman (1,722 cases) than by a man (1,651). It’s time to start seeing things as they are, not as it would be convenient to have them be.
I see it very differently to the ISPCC. If the ISPCC were serious about children and DV then they would be calling for the government not to sign up to the Istanbul Convention.This will make matters far worse for the children of those 100,000 and the men themselves as the laws are gynocentric and will serve to further alientiate and disenfranchise those men and children. We know there are 100,000 male victims of severe DV and not a single bed for them AND their children available in the country. That’s where any reasonable person would start if they wanted to deal with this.
I can tell you for sure, because I was one, that young men are by far the mostly likely group to be subjected to violence in this country. Feminist show their true colours by ignoring this fact.
another thing that’s very annoying , when a woman slaps a man across the face , ( shown again on the lines of EastEnders this week ) and that’s seen as ok, no big deal but if a man hit a woman across the face then it’s domestic abuse .!
Good point. It’s always shown that it’s almost OK for a woman to hit a man, which can only add fuel to the problem. If violence is how you sort things out, you’re an abuser, doesn’t matter what sex you are.
Grown men being told who to talk to and where to go by their wives. Leave young men alone.
Is it that difficult to keep a close eye on your kids? Why are children allowed to spend such time alone with their boyfriends where they get the chance to be abusive? Being alone with a boy was not acceptable when I was their age. If we had a boyfriend it was a case of a whole bunch of friends hanging out together. Anyone who went off with their boyfriend got a bad name for themselves. :)Time to get back to old fashioned parenting when the parents ruled. We might not have liked it but at least we were safe!
“Anyone who went off with their boyfriend got a bad name for themselves”
Oh yeah let’s go back to shaming teenagers into staying safe. Not to mention that this approach has never worked.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be supervising your kids and their relationships with their peers, but shaming them for acting on what their hormones are making them feel is total BS.
‘Slut0shaming’ is just another form of bullying and abuse that young women just do not need in a modern Ireland.
Children who grow up in violent homes often become violent themselves, We are not teaching young people who to recognize abuse, Physical and emotional, nor teaching them to recognise when they are the abuser.
If you have a young lad who gets into fights a lot, or breaks and throws things in anger, he could easily be doing the same thing to girls.
SK I’m only saying as it was. They got the bad name from their peers, the majority of whom didn’t spend time alone with their boyfriends. Haven’t they a right to their opinion?
Anyway, should kids be “acting out on what their hormones are making them feel” or should they be thought to wait until they are older and maturer at which stage they can deal with a possible abusive situation better.
Their hormones make them angry and make them want to smash in windows or peoples faces or cut themselves too so it’s not always a good thing to let people think it is okay to act out on their hormones.
And without teaching them how to spot abusive behaviour, how are they ever going to be able to “deal with a possible abusive situation better.”?
Surely teaching kids about what is and isn’t OK is better than just telling them to avoid it and then figure it out for themselves the hard way later?
What?
This can’t be true.
The liberals promised us all this abuse would decrease as the Church’s influence waned.
But actually the incidence of abuse is on the increase.
Who are they going to blame now I wonder?
Time to take a look in the mirror of their own values I guess.
We need to be teaching children about relationships as young as possible,.
The need to know it is never Ok to use pain and fear to control someone. You should NEVER be afraid of your partner, and if you are, you are in a bad relationship.
We need sexual health and relationship education that includes types of abuse, the cycle or abuse, consent, anger management, and positive relationships.
I often wonder about some of these child line calls. I reckon some kids call because they cannot get their own way or for other trivial reasons or because they are bored or for devilment!
And you don’t think the highly trained and experienced people who have run Childline for decades are capable of figuring that out?
They can figure it out alright but count the calls anyway to press for more funding. How many bosses of childline have gone to jail is it 1 or 2? Childline is the ultimate cover, question their funding versus costs and you are “against children”.
I managed an IT donation project for a large multinational to Childline years ago after which i could only describe their pursuit of funds / donations as rabid.
There are a lot of people earning a lot of money from charities.
And yet this government continue to cut budgets in social services. This department is severely under budgeted.
Protecting the most helpless and vulnerable people in our society seems to be bottom of our leaders list.
Hope everyone remembers things like this come election time
why are teenagers in abusive relationships ?? what are the parents doing ? are parents not teaching them as they are growing up to respect each other , are they not teaching them right from wrong or are they just rearing themselves these days ?
Despite the vast under reporting of female on male violence, in the UK convictions of women for violence agaist men has increased by 169% and that is probably the tip of the iceberg. But violence by women on men is not a good headline.
The most damaging part of this article and mindset behind it , is that it’s gender specific ..
We are creating a generation of males that have been given the mantra of “it’s not abuse if a woman hits a male “
It’s also pretty expansionist of Childline in an effort to break into the “teenage relationship abuse” market. This is not an effort to protect Children. This is about shepherding them.
It’s bad enough that Government is driving it’s stake through the heart of Family living, but this NGO jockeys for credibility while the tragedy that is the HSE can hide its responsibility.
It’s simple.
If you know of any problem involving Children, report it to those who are responsible for doing something about problems involving Children. The Childline industry isn’t.
I don’t recall there being a helpline for men when it was the other way round but that’s typical isn’t it. double standards all the way.
Novice Pimps – what’s it all coming too!! ???
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