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Have a problem controlling your anger? Here are tips to keep it in check

Unable to express my feelings in a healthy way, I repressed the emotions and bottled them up until the next trigger emerged, writes psychotherapist Karl Melvin, who has tips to help keep yours under control.

RECENTLY, I WAS sitting in a coffee shop with a friend listening to him complain about a trip I had organised and blaming me for how poor it was. As he held me accountable for the bad weather and other very minor misfortunes, I could quickly feel tension rise inside of me.

As this tension turned to anger my cognitive processes kicked off; thoughts such as ‘the nerve of him’, ‘ungrateful @#%#’ started swirling around in my head.

My impulsive response would have been to shout back and to tell him to get lost. I was about to speak up when I noticed something, the level of anger I felt in relation to what was happening was dis-proportionate. It was okay to feel some anger at my friend’s words but not to the level I actually felt.

The truth was the anger was already in me, my friends words were just the trigger. The source was past memories of when I was young and was treated unfairly by a person senior to me.

As a child, I was not in a position to stand up to that person. I have memories of shouting back but the person was too strong and shouted me down. Unable to express my feelings in a healthy way, I repressed the emotions and bottled them up until the next trigger emerged.

I have since heard countless numbers of similar stories, where anger is pushed down out of fear of reactive anger (or even judgement).

This is the cycle of anger, the emotional inheritance handed down generation to generation.

Those trapped in the loop can feel like prisoners. If they express the anger to the original source, they fear getting deeply hurt again. If they hold in, it will cause extreme tension both mental and physical which might lead to anxiety, depression, self-doubt, low self-esteem (honestly expressing one’s feelings is regarded as one of the pillars of self-worth) and/or neurosis.

As a therapist I work with both teenagers and adults to help them:

(1) Work through their emotional distress;

(2) Amend their behaviours when anger flares to avoid damaging any relationships; and most importantly;

(3) Explore with them the power of this emotion and how it can be harnessed to create and not just destroy.

Emotional Maturity or Emotional Intelligence (EQ) as used by Psychologist Daniel Goleman is the process of understanding our emotive state at any time and over-riding our impulsive responses.

This is easy when the feelings are moderate; such as frustration, annoyance or disappointment. However an over-whelming feeling of anger or rage takes a huge amount of will power to self-discipline and regulate.

What should we do when we feel that anger rise?

Step 1: Withdraw
Pull away to avoid doing or saying something you might regret. Anger can push the most rational person over the edge.

Step 2: Accept
Every feeling passes if it didn’t we would all be emotional tornadoes.  Fighting the emotion mentally will drain you. Try accepting it and see if it passes quicker.

Step 3: Assess
Record the triggers. Triggers can be specific words, facial expressions, situations or environments.

Watch your thought processes and be aware of what you were thinking while you felt the anger.

Did you use words like ‘unfair’, ‘why me’, ‘I hate them’ i.e. outward projection. Or did you judge and blame yourself for the situation and for feeling the way you did, i.e. inward projection.

That which isn’t expressed becomes suppressed

We all have a basic need to be heard and to be understood. Starting with our parents, it’s their job to validate our feelings and ensure we know it’s safe to express ourselves.

However, if the parent(s) have their own anger issues then they could never handle yours and you’re left with the consequences.

Here are some basic anger management techniques:

Step 1: Journal
I often encourage my clients to write a letter to the person who first took their anger out on them even if the person is deceased.

The simple act of putting pen to paper can help make sense of the situation and often change their perspective or facilitate them in seeing the bigger picture.

NOTE: I do NOT encourage my clients to actually send the letter unless the source of the anger (i.e. a wounded person) has resolved some of their own emotional baggage otherwise they could react badly and cause more damage. The letter does come in handy for step 4.

Step 2: Develop will power
Brain development plays a huge part in how we react to life situations. The pre frontal cortex which is the part of your brain right behind your forehead drives rational thinking. Referred to as the ‘cooling system’, it “plays an essential role in forming sensible judgments and decisions, in making long-term planning, in regulating emotions and resisting temptations and urges” 1. By depriving yourself of comfort via disciplined living, we are conditioning our minds to say NO and strengthening our impulse control.

Step 3: Visualise

Understanding the minds potential for healing deep emotional trauma has yet to be fully realised. The ability to create unconscious change through conscious imagery is an important part of the therapeutic process and when fully applied, it can help move past inner wounds and map out a new life with new relationships and goals.Soon I will post an article on creative visualisation but for now I want to share with you two techniques I use to help my clients change their inner state.

Facing the source:

I like to imagine the person who originally shouted at me but they look different from before. They look a little younger. Their hair is thicker. Their skin is clear. Their eyes are white with no bloodshot. Their teeth are clean and they are smiling at me.

I visualise them standing tall but relaxed, physically strong but not huge. They are wearing casual clothes which fit them perfect.They are happy, calm and relaxed in their skin. Their self-esteem is bullet proof. Nothing you say will change their current state.In this place, engage with them. Imagine what this person in front of you would say.

Would they say “they didn’t mean to shout at you”, “I’m sorry I was so hard on you”, “you have every right to express how you feel”.

You might find yourself getting upset as this person has had such a hugely negative impact on your life or your mind might just tell you this is not real and a waste of time but I encourage you persist. The imagery will eventually become a memory, a healthy experience and a new connection with the source. From this, you might make a decision to let go of the negative memories completely realising there is no need to hold onto them anymore.

Cooling the flame:

Another exercise I use is visualising the anger as ball of fire right in front of you. By viewing the anger outside of your body, you can separate it from who you are and decide what to do with it.

You can simply let it be and observe it. Learn to be comfortable with it, make it your friend not your enemy. The less you fight it, the less of a grip it has over you.

Or, you just drop the ball into the psychological sea. It can be a beach or a lake you have visited (I like to think of the lake at Glendalough). Drop the fiery ball into the cold water and watch it steam then cool off completely.

Step 4: Ritualise

As a society we rely heavily on rituals in the process of letting go. The traditional funeral is an example of this. Such rituals can also be used to let go of the negative affects of a bad relationship.

One such act is to burn the original letter I suggested writing in step 1. This should be done in a safe and private area, the flames and smoke can symbolise the anger at first roaring but then dissolving into a cloud, never to return.

Another option is wrap the letter around a heavy stone and throwing it in the river, choosing to drown the negative experience forever.

Breaking free

Can you imagine a life where anger is not a part of it? How light you might feel and laid back you might be. A place where your emotional existence is not determined by the behavior of others. A place where you express yourself on a level which cannot be ignored.

Anger is power, your power. Use it. To paint, to write, to act. Use it drive yourself towards a better life, a healthier and better version of you.

Karl Melvin is a Psychotherapist based in Aspen Counselling in Lucan, Dublin. He works with adults of all ages suffering with issues such as depression, anxiety, grief and bereavement and specialises in helping people break free of dysfunctional relationships . He regulary publishes mental health articles on the website Toxic Escape.

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    Mute Dj
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:53 PM

    Should be called “I used to be a celebrity and will eat kangaroo balls to get famous again”

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    Mute Peter Lewis Jnr
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:06 PM

    @Dj: I often refer to it in a similar fashion.. “I used to be a celebrity, get me into anything!”

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    Mute Sean
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:49 PM

    @Dj: Even a past it celeb is better than the wife of a celeb. Has she no shame?

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    Mute Dj
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    Nov 20th 2017, 3:32 PM

    @Sean: Who is she??..Did she get her kit off yet?

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    Mute Rob Cahill
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:29 PM

    @Dj: Some England footballers wife..

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    Mute Jas
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:29 PM

    @Dj: I’ll be a celebrity when I get out of here

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:58 PM

    Class program.
    Unashamedly z-list celebs. Would be equally entertaining if they were all nobodies.
    Light entertainment at its best.

    Feel free to judge me!

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    Mute Grace Jeaney
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:00 PM

    @Gagsy 99: agreed, it’s a good laugh.

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    Mute Phil Swan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:10 PM

    @Gagsy 99: I completely agree, haven’t a clue who any of them are and don’t care. Bit of crack to watch after everything else on television depresses you.

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    Mute Gary
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:55 PM

    @Gagsy 99: Agreed. I know Dennis Wise and Amir Kahn and that’s about it.

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    Mute Sean
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:29 PM

    @Gagsy 99: A celeb free version would be better. As long as they stay clear of the Towie types.

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    Mute Abe Brennan
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    Nov 21st 2017, 1:19 AM

    @Gagsy 99: They are all nobodies

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    Mute Mel Fitzpatrick
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:15 PM

    Never miss it. Don’t watch it for the ‘celebrities’ I watch if for Ant and Dec. They are brilliant and the when they dealt with Ant’s rehab was equally brilliant.

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    Mute Mel Finn
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:01 PM

    Amir khans observation as he entered the camp for the first time ” its full of trees and leaves ” what was he expecting in a jungle, glaciers maybe

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    Mute Deborah Behan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:10 PM

    @Mel Finn: he’s never watched the show before so this should be interesting.

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    Mute Abe Brennan
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    Nov 21st 2017, 1:24 AM

    @Mel Finn: And toffs comment tonight as she stood by the creek, this must be where we get the water from to boil it up. Clever girl.

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    Mute Kieran OKeeffe
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:50 PM

    Saw a few minutes of it last night,with the exception of Dennis wise,have no clue who the”celebrities”are…gone beyond z list..

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    Mute lavbeer
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:53 PM

    @Kieran OKeeffe: Boris Johnson auld fella is probably a buffoon as well – he is bound to drag a clanger or two

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:02 PM

    @Kieran OKeeffe:
    I read a Viz top-tip once :

    “ITV, increase viewer numbers by making a celebrity version of I’m a celebrity get me out of here”

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    Mute windbag
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:35 PM

    @Kieran OKeeffe: of course it’s going to be Z listers. ..A listers don’t need the money or the publicity…. .. I always watech it , it’s a bit of craic..

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    Mute Deborah Behan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:09 PM

    @windbag: Ant and Dec alone are worth it alone but what they put the contestants through is gas!

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    Mute Ger
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:00 PM

    I enjoy it most years. You know it’s going to be Z list celebrities but a few decent characters always emerge, like Lady C and couple of years ago who was great telly. I imagine Boris Johnsons dad will be of a similar ilk and should be good for a laugh . A few people on it this year who hardly ever rank as Z list though. One bloke who is the brother of a pop star?? And Jamie Vardys wife. Since when does being related to a celebrity count as being a celebrity?
    I’ll probably still watch it this year despite the fact that it’s a less than stellar cast.

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    Mute Deborah Behan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:48 PM

    @Ger: Scarlett, Joel and Adam were so entertaining last year I hope this year can be as good.

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    Mute Ger
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    Nov 20th 2017, 5:52 PM

    @Deborah Behan: yeah they were great. I’m not as hopeful with this years crowd other than Johnson but you never know.

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    Mute Don Juan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:50 PM

    They’re celebrities? I know Dennis Wise and that boxer..

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    Mute ""
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:32 PM

    No story on the RTE groomer? Any offers ?

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    Mute Ben Dawkins
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    Nov 20th 2017, 12:51 PM

    I’d sooner stick my face in slurry. The most pointless program on telly.

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:00 PM

    @Ben Dawkins:
    What ‘point’ would you seek from it?

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    Mute Noel James Doherty
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:07 PM

    @Ben Dawkins: pointless on the BBC now there’s a programme i do love

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    Mute Let free speech live
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:50 PM

    @Ben Dawkins: They would probably put you on the show to fish stars out of the slurry with your teeth.

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    Mute Rob Cahill
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:51 PM

    @Ben Dawkins: You realise there’s a show where you watch people watching telly right??

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    Mute Kieran Conroy
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:05 PM

    Stopped watching TV a couple of years ago.Total trash with a few exceptions.I don’t need to see some idiot baking a fu@king cake,someone buying a house in the country,or some d!ck prancing around on ice.The great days of quality telly are long gone.Everything now is dumbed-down TV.No thanks.

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    Mute OCallaghan TP
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:48 PM

    @Kieran Conroy: ha ha… so true..its sh it

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    Mute Rob Cahill
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:52 PM

    @Kieran Conroy: There’s more than just reality TV to be fair.

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    Mute Danielle Kenny
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:36 PM

    @Kieran Conroy: ha! We’re actually in a golden age of television at the moment, there’s more than reality tv to watch! I love people giving out about a problem that doesn’t exist

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    Mute Rob Cahill
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:55 PM

    I can’t understand having a famous person’s wife on it.. If she had a fashion label like Posh then maybe but just marrying someone doesn’t make you a celebrity. Although it does seem like she is going to be trouble so that’s what they are after.. Was too nice last year.. They wan’t a bit of drama.

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    Mute OCallaghan TP
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:43 PM

    Them 2 are the most irritating duo ever.. and are way overrated…

    26
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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:50 PM

    @OCallaghan TP:
    By you.
    I think they’re great!

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    Mute OCallaghan TP
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    Nov 20th 2017, 3:57 PM

    @Gagsy 99: I’m delighted for you ..

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:13 PM

    @OCallaghan TP:

    Thanks for the empathy!

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    Mute Rachel Didleu
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:04 PM

    Arbour Hill is going to get very very full with Irish Stars….Humphries and Creaven will be able to compare notes ……if we disinter our 1916 heros there should be just enough space for The paedo stars….Fairy House how are yew?

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:16 PM

    @Rachel Didleu:

    What an unusual post on the topic of a light entertainment show.

    6
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    Mute Fiona deFreyne
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:05 PM

    The cult of celebrity is enjoyable for some.

    11
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    Mute Paul Costello
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:23 PM

    I wish someone would leave those two flutes in the jungle permanently

    18
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    Mute Ciaran De Bhal
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    Nov 20th 2017, 4:26 PM

    I’m a nobody, get me on the telly.

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    Mute WilhelminaMCallaghan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:13 PM

    No don’t have a tv nor a computer nor internet.
    My phone only work in the city but not to watch anything.
    But even if I had a tv I despise so called “reality tv” is nothing but the glorification of mediocrity. I can’t stand that . Bores me senseless when I go visit people and they are watching it I look and think why would you waste time with this .

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:20 PM

    @WilhelminaMCallaghan:

    Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t bore the people you visit senseless and they don’t see it as a waste of time?

    Or another theory would be that they do find it bores them senseless but as soon as they see you coming to visit they immediately stick it on because everything is relative, right?

    I’m sure it’s definitely one of those two.

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    Mute Peter Coen
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:41 PM

    Not if you paid me,would i watch that shite.

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    Mute Gagsy 99
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:51 PM

    @Peter Coen:
    Fortunately that’s not how it works.
    You can just watch it or not!

    10
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    Mute Brian O Reilly
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    Nov 20th 2017, 3:36 PM

    Watched it briefly,there are just too many safety devices. unhitch the safety harnesses and I would gladly watch in the hope that !!!!!

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    Mute James Mc Loughlin
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:29 PM

    You have to be careful who you praise with all this going on

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    Mute Louise Collard
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    Nov 20th 2017, 6:28 PM

    Terribly cruel to animals, must scare the poor things. Why isnt the RSPCA not stepping up and closing this cruelty down???

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    Mute Dean Moriarity
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    Nov 20th 2017, 3:52 PM

    No, because I don’t want to end up in rehab like Ant.

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    Mute Cindy Crawford
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    Nov 20th 2017, 1:51 PM

    I have no interest in ‘ celebrity ‘ based programmes. The only way you’d get me to watch it is to have Gerard Butler or Bradley Cooper naked in it. Preferably both.

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    Mute Ted Murray
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:13 PM

    @Cindy Crawford: __ I don’t think they’d get away with Celebrity Homoerotic Wrestling, not even after the watershed.

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    Mute Cindy Crawford
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    Nov 20th 2017, 3:06 PM

    @Ted Murray: Pity

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    Mute Toon Army
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    Nov 20th 2017, 9:17 PM

    Shocking stuff

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Nov 20th 2017, 5:43 PM

    Never have because its vile.

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    Mute Dwayne Jordan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 9:26 PM

    No thanks I have a life

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    Mute Unitedpeople
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    Nov 21st 2017, 7:16 AM

    No. Mindless irrelevant programming with poor genuine entertainment value.

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    Mute aaronmcgrattan
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    Nov 20th 2017, 7:46 PM

    I’m sorry, I forgot to vote as I was so bored by the question alone

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    Mute Rob
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    Nov 20th 2017, 11:42 PM

    Don’t watch TV anymore, nothing but reality crap. Switched to Netflix and other streaming services.

    2
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    Mute Paul Jennings
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    Nov 21st 2017, 12:13 AM

    Television goes from bad to worse. Glad I kept my videos going back 25 years or so. Even the advertisements are more interesting. Or less irritating. There was more quality with less quantity and options. No wonder you need a remote to channel hop between the “66 channels of shit on the t.v. to chose from,” as sung by Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits in the early 1980s. Where is the pleasure in seeing someone being carved up on the operating table, being evicted by the bailiffs or an interview with lifers in an American penitentiary? We’re looking for escapism, not reality, or what passes for it. Three or four channels would suffice please and I don’t mind having to get up to press clunky channel controls, wait for the ‘set to warm up, adjust the horizontal/vertical hold or the contrast even.

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    Mute Joseph Dempsey
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    Nov 21st 2017, 8:12 AM

    Appalling shite, only beaten by the mind numbing ghastly Big Brother

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    Mute John Rownano
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    Nov 20th 2017, 2:14 PM

    TV for the Terminally stupid

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