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I WAS 30 when he died. A baby myself some might say. Well, I have never grown up so quick, so soon.
I was 19 weeks pregnant, and I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that pregnancy is the only thing that kept me here. We were married a wonderful seven months. Life was amazing, happy, exciting. Then my reality hit.
Widowed, nowhere to live, no life insurance and moving back from London to live with my parents, pregnant with our little Bubba. I have never felt a wave of darkness wash over me as quick as I did that day.
I don’t remember a huge amount from the moment I got that news: “I’m sorry we did everything we could, he didn’t make it.”
I laughed nervously. Then I passed out. I don’t remember much, apart from being surrounded by people/faces all the time, until in and around the time my waters broke, at 1am on the 11 December 2011.
My beautiful baby girl
There it was. The moment I had been waiting for, to hold our beautiful baby, the one we had made together, the reason I was still here. I had no idea how I was going to do this, but with my mum and sister by my side, she made her appearance. Our beautiful, perfect baby girl.
I felt a new wave of relief, but also devastation. She was out, (albeit 2 weeks early) she survived 19 weeks of me crying, unable to eat, unable to breathe, panic attacks. She was perfect. But he wasn’t here. Nothing could have prepared me for that bit. The pain in my heart that he would never get to meet her.
She is four years old now. And the light in my world. She knows just what to say, when to say it (sometimes a little too much!) She makes me smile and laugh in ways that I never thought I’d be able to again. She talks openly about the man she never met, her Daddy. It’s her “normal”.
It’s been a roller coaster ride since July 2011, but a journey I am proud of. I forced myself to live. I met a wonderful man in 2013, and to be honest, he deserves a Nobel peace prize for putting up with me at this stage. He’s been by my side, through all of my emotions, my tears, my frustrations. He is simply amazing. My baby girl adores him too. We are making awesome new memories, but I will always treasure my old ones.
Light at the end of the tunnel
I’m still living with my parents, still trying to save to have our own dream home, starting over, but I am doing it. There is light at the end of my once very dark, very scary tunnel.
After swearing I’d never ever meet anyone again, here I am, in love. Having said that I would never have more children, here I am, hoping some day my beautiful baby girl will get to be a big sister. After having said I couldn’t do this without him, here I am, doing it.
There is always hope. Time is a wonderful thing we all take for granted in everything we do. I have my ups and downs. I’d be lying if I said that I had never thought about how much better off everyone would be if I wasn’t around, but those thoughts pass. There are days where I really just want to curl up under a duvet and not leave the house, but I make myself, because I know that feeling will pass, I know things get better, I’m living proof.
When you hit the bottom, the ONLY way is up again.
So when you are feeling like this is it, like you can’t do this anymore, just wait… Just take your time. Take a deep breath and surround yourself with the people/things that make you feel better, that make you feel happy. Talk to people, they will want to help but they need to know you feel that way (we are scarily amazing at hiding how bad we can feel).
Do that for as long as it takes, because time will help you rebuild, it will help you feel better. That I promise you.
Sinéad Hingston is 35 years old and from Dublin. Her husband, Geoff, died suddenly in Portugal while the couple were on holidays in 2011. In sharing her story under #iamareason, Sinead wants to let people know that no matter how hard it gets, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel if you let people in to help.
This article was originally published on 3 May 2016
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Well done Sinead :-)
Poor Geoff’s parents
Fred, your an ass
We find out the hardest way that we are stronger than we think. I wish you much happiness in life, Sinead. And thanks you for sharing your story.
That is a heart breaking story but also uplifting. Tragedy and shock but thankfully a life rebuilt and happy times for the daughter. The human spirit is remarkable but that does not diminish the shock and anguish.
Terrible tragedy, great story fair play for telling it and hopefully others take strength from it.
Very easy to feel alone and like the world is closing in on you in dark times, they pass.
What a amazing piece…not easy losing someone you love so suddenly..best of luck in the future Sinead.
Fair play, never forget but you have to move on,if only for your child. Best of luck with your new love,
Is he actually that big or are ye just very far away!!
Thanks Paul… It was taken in Camera Obscura in Edinburgh, so he’s not an actual giant, it’s just a clever photo :-)
Thank you Sinead for sharing that.18 months today..I’ve got to believe like you.
It’s so unfair. I’m not going to tell you it gets “easier” (I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times) but I guess you get used to it, as time goes by, and you have to make this life of yours as enjoyable as you possibly can now… But do that at your own pace, when you’re ready to x
A sad and happy story. Best wishes to you all in the future.
How the phukk do people red thumb such a story? Honestly. Can’t imagine having the strength to endure such tragedy.
I give my utmost respect to this type of strength and courage. You are inspirational. Wishing you the very best for the future.
Very tough on you but there is always sun after the rain, all the best!
Wow, tremendous courage to write this article, your living proof that one thing is for certain, the sun will always shine tomorrow
Good luck Sinead’s and family. After your horrible experience you deserve all the luck and good wishes in the world.
Giant of a man, or everyone is tiny or perpective is mucked up.
Amazing woman. My heart goes out to you.. wishing you well :)
Well played Sinead .. sparky strength to you too
So glad u have found happiness again after such a tragedy. All credit to you
Sinead……. Such strength! I have such admiration for you.
Life has so many chapters, some you just never want to close, others you can’t wait to open!
But your daughter, partner, family and friends help you keep turning the pages. Never stop turning those pages.
Best wishes
this is a go fund it I would support
Wow, Sinead that is truly an inspirational story. It’s not easy to pick yourself up. You did it. Well done. I wish you all the best in you’re future and enjoy making beautiful memories xxx
Lovely story Sinead, I’m so pleased for you that you have found new love, not that you will ever forget your husband and father of your lovely little girl, but time is a great healer and you deserve to be happy.
Sinead,
What an amazing, sad and yet encouraging life story ( to date!). I think you are simply fantastic, your honesty and your integrity rings through. Your pain and loss is a burden that you openly struggle with but you have shown the world that it does get better. Thank you for sharing all of that. It will help people and will instill a belief that there is hope. Your wonderful husband and your daughters Dad is buried near my own daughter in Shanganagh. I admire the burning candle and the purity of his resting place. He would be so proud of you and your girl and the joy of finding new love. His journey is over in this place called Earth but he will walk with you in spirit, always. I am positive that he is so happy that you have found love again, because you deserve love. My late Mother once told me that we can fall in love many times in life…I wish for you that love keeps tumbling toward you and all your family, always. XXX
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Congratulations Sinéad. May your future life be a very happy one
Tips To Save Your Marriage With Your Husband
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