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IN THE LAST few weeks TheJournal.ie spent time with Dublin Mistress Lara Austen to find out about the life of a professional dominatrix in Ireland.
Lara provides various services to clients who enjoy bondage, dominance, submission and sadomasochism (BDSM) activities. Though she does not have sexual intercourse with her clients, there is undoubtedly a sexual element to the sessions.
Both of the clients we spoke to were married and had never told their wives of their sexual interests, or that they had been going to see the mistress for years.
Does this count as cheating? We asked two commentators on opposite sides of the debate to give their views:
As a woman in a monogamous relationship, I do not think that Lara’s clients who have failed to tell their partners are cheating.
Firstly, infidelity, or “cheating” is a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract as regards emotional or sexual exclusivity and commitment to one another. But, is seeking sexual catharsis automatically an infidelity? What about masturbation or the use of pornography?
Consider for a moment how much more difficult this natural drive is for people whose partners, (no matter how loving their relationship) hold fundamentally different views of what that sexual or emotional gratification should involve.
What Lara offers as a professional dominatrix is strictly not sexual in the commonly understood sense. There are no hand jobs, nudity or sexual services. It appeals to a deeper sense of sexuality in terms of fetish. Lara is a dream weaver.
In my opinion what she intends to offer to her clients is the opportunity to fulfil fantasies and “play” out their fetishes with her.
Of course, by failing to tell their partner that they are availing of this service, a different type of dishonesty is happening. This dishonesty is typified by the fact that one partner refuses to open up to the other about a certain personal aspect of themselves.
Ideally they would be on the same page about it. But if maintaining a positive relationship requires occasional, non-sexual release, in the sense that this type of release does not fall in the bracket of conventional sexual gratification, isn’t that release then a force for good?
I believe it is.
I’m baffled how somebody could manage to meet, marry and get a mortgage with another person yet fail to share the fact that they enjoy being spanked on the bottom.
Couples should work out their sexual preferences and fidelity deal breakers right from the start, because one person’s penchant for outsourcing their BDSM activities needs to be addressed before a couple progresses to the combining of bookshelves level.
Everyone is different and all couples have different boundaries; what is acceptable for one person is a breach of trust to another. But if somebody wants to explore their options, they always need to check with their partner first.
Even for the sake of marital harmony, not everybody is comfortable with hog-tying their husband and putting him in a cage with a bowl of dog food. However, they might be okay with them looking elsewhere for that particular pleasure.
Cheating is the dark shadow lurking behind any relationship. Adult love, unlike parent-child love, is conditional. Any person can decide one day that the bad stuff outweighs the good, and head out for some extra-curricular fun.
But when you’re sexually intimate with someone outside of your relationship, without your partner’s consent, it is cheating. When you strip away the fact it was a paid dominatrix that did the spanking, the person has still cheated and been disloyal to their partner and to their relationship.
Your boyfriend going back to a dominatrix’s flat, enjoying a lustful session, then going back to you like he popped out to buy some milk is not okay.
And to the men who do it then the biggest hurdle you face isn’t persuading your partner that spanking is fun but convincing her that your sex life to date has not been a total sham.
Sexual betrayal is always going to sting.
So, what do you think about it? Does going to see a dominatrix count as cheating? Take it to the comments…
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The way I see it if it involves going behind your partners back then it’s cheating in some form or another.. regardless of whether or not there’s sex involved.. same as if you get chatting to someone on the Web and start cybering or cam sex or something like that is cheating… if however the partner knows and is okay with it then no its not cheating.
Mrs Bacca is gone out to get some milk. So Brendan, tell me what are you wearing ?
Milk? Is that what she calls me?
Hahahaha
tweety..i just spat out my tea laughing at that!! funnyman
Thanks jenni, when I’m finished with Mrs. Bacca I’ll be round to yours
I’m not waiting up..you better make it fast
mr bacca has to get home
Lol!
I don’t see the point in paying a dominatrix. In my experience, it’s easy to get a woman to start slapping the head off you for free.
Lol!
I think she’ll be more p!ssed off that he spent €250 on it
All slap and no tickle
2 articles in one week involving Lara…. what info has she go on ye, or has she got the heavy whips out ?
This is not me!!
Ohhh Lara.. that tickles..
She certainly seems to be dominating…
THE PARTY WHIPS, those in the Dail or those in the broom closet?
Be worse if these men and women used them on theirs customers? Hitting someone with a broom or a dust pan saying you like that don’t you???
I wouldn’t mind you whipping me Lara!!!
I’m not right after reading shatters memoirs. He blows his load and all he’s thinking about is the Gardai at the gate of Leinster house. Feckin whistleblowers
I was just wondering if one inspired the other in name and in discussion as Shatter does be on thejournal a lot?
Just nipping over to the dominatrix for a quick spank dear.
WHAT?!!!
Just nipping over to Dominic’s for a eh . .brick . . plank dear.
Just nipping over to the dominatrix for a pizza dear?
I’d say he’d get some hiding when she finds out! And unfortunately for him it’ll probably give him the orgasm of his life!!
Damn…unfortunately for her!!
What about when he finds out! He’ll prob legit and not come back! or legit down the nearest sex shop!
Unfortunately for them all!
The moral of this story is that you always discuss this stuff with your wife. You’ll be amazed how willing she’ll be to give you a good beating at a substantial discount!
I think it’s a question of whether or not your partner knows and is ok with it. If he/she knows, and is ok with it, then no it’s not. If they don’t know or don’t approve then it is.
Bang on the money Graham
Dear, where… and how is you body full of whip marks?
O I just fell down the stairs at work???
If you whack one off looking at porn and don’t tell her is it cheating? If you whack one off looking at a live cam and don’t tell her is it cheating?
If you get sexual gratification from a person rubbing your big toe and you don’t tell your wife is it cheating?
Does a dog count as a person?
You are a sick puppy Jamie…
Another masterdebate story from thejournal ;)
What a strange poll to have
Hahaha, you said poll
If ya say so! I tough it was normal.. That’s why Lara was smiling but she still didn’t touch it..
Lap dancing poll?
Ah yeah I’d say so.
If you’re getting sexual pleasure from another person without the knowledge or consent of your partner it seems quite clearly to be cheating. I don’t think the other person being paid dehumanises the act or the lack of intercourse trivialises it.
Common misconception, this is usually not that sexual, it is tapping deep into a persons persona. For a period of time give up all control, maybe be humiliated maybe degraded maybe physically Hurt. What drives is, is it something in their childhood, is it a form of self harm or is it a healthy release. It’s a complex area and deserves more then glib comments or misunderstood judgemental remarks.
If you are getting sexual pleasure from a robot without your partner knowing is it cheating?
If u can’t talk to ur partner about ur fantasies maybe ye shouldn’t be together
There are certain things you should keep to yourself.
Absolutely… I mean you tell one woman you’d like to give her a Dirty Sanchez and next thing its all over the neighborhood…
This is one of those situations where sexual compatibilty is a must in a relationship, also this isnt exclusively a male only business! Plenty of women go out for their dom(me) sessions!
Very true.. there are also professional subs out there too
Not sure where it sits versus an affair, but I’d say it’s worse than a one night stand. I think the partner would feel more sick or confused at this on average on top of the expected anger. It’s probably on a par with a serious ongoing affair.
Not if Mistress tells you to attend.
‘Commands’
(sorry Mistress)
Are not enough Irish men sufficiently dominated by their wives? Those lucky hubbies who are don’t have to go out to the likes of Lara and pay for the hard stuff. Is any of this covered by the school sex education courses?
Interesting topic, it’s a mistake viewing from a purely sexual perspective. Some people find a huge release giving up control. In many relationships the other partner might not understand this, be confused or even revolted by it. I think is is very different from having an affair as one person in the relationship has a need that the other persons cannot fur-fill. This is not the case with an affair.
So if my wife doesn’t do fellatio then it’s ok for someone else to do it?
That’s purely sexual
If your wife isn’t putting stuff up your arse it’s time to get rid of her.
We all cheat in our minds every day one way or the other but the act of telling your partner elevates it into a dirty confession. Better to say note. If my missus knew why I was really interested in the rte weather forecasts all these years she’d have left me years ago!
Anyway, at the end of the day it’s all about guilt.
There’s no escape from your Catholic psyches.
Anyone who needs to inflict pain on others or have pain inflicted upon them in order to get their rocks off is a complete and utter disgusting deviant & should be locked away.
And your next question is… How much is it ;)
Good luck lads whatever rocks your boat……..although the milking machine sounds a bit of a “tackle” breaker !!!!!!!!!
Instead of “Beam me up Scotty” perhaps the new fantasy is “Beat me up Laura” lol
*Lara*
Debate*
“A strange poll ” worked well in that case
A journalist giving marriage advice is like the priests giving marriage advice. Most journalists are divorced or separated as their partners can’t stand their self righteous attitudes.
What about male doms subjugating women ? That ok?
Domination and submission is not gender specific
I love the way the Irish make fun of prostitution.
It’s not prostitution!
Prostitution is good old craic to be fair. I love rim jobs and I don’t mind paying for them :-) don’t tell the wife ;-)
Isn’t part of BDSM being peed on? I bet that turns heads, the smell anyway? Yikes?
Cling film over the face, make a little well in your mouth and she poops into your mouth. Try it sometime
I feel sick now reading that.
Get smacked as a child, go to see a smacking prositute when your older, in order to feel love?
Who mentioned love :-D
Sigmund Freud?
Being bossed around ironically can be incredibly empowering.
Stupid question! Yes it is cheating!
ashley madison sthuff id say
have your say