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I HAVE ALWAYS wanted children.
I wanted five or six, to have a big family like the one I’d been raised in, but even one would be enough for me.
My love life went didn’t work out the way that I thought it would, though.
My early thirties came and went, with no-one significant entering my life. I told myself that it would happen for me eventually.
I began to panic in my mid-thirties. Articles appeared everywhere, screaming at me that ‘women should start to have kids before they are 35 years old’.
I wanted kids so badly, but with the right person. I couldn’t force myself to fall in love.
Then one day, at a friend’s wedding, I met him.
We moved in together pretty quickly, and life was great. Instead of saving for a house we went on holidays and had fun.
At 36 years old, and after 18 months of dating, we began to discuss the topic of kids. I wanted them. He wanted them.
Trying to conceive
We tried, and tried, and tried. Nothing happened. Over a year went by and every month I would look down at the lonely single line in my bathroom.
We knew something had to be wrong, and it was.
After consultants visits, blood tests, MRIs and surgery, I found out I was the ‘problem’, but it could be fixed. Once everything was sorted, we tried again.
Two months later I was sitting at my desk at work and had the sudden urge to do a pregnancy test. I was late.
I left work in the middle of the day to run and buy the test, before going to the nearest loo in the shopping centre.
I saw the usual line, but then suddenly the faintest of lines appeared in the other window. That had never happened before. My heart was racing.
I went back to the chemist and bought one of the expensive tests, the kind that spells out the words to you. I grabbed a bottle of water and ran back to the loo.
Then the word appeared – pregnant.
I wept silently in the cubicle. I was 37 and a half, and finally pregnant.
Happiness
I told my partner, and he could barely believe it. He was ecstatic.
Then, because I am a natural worrier, the nerve took over. My partner tried to calm me down, but we still went for an early scan.
We saw the little blob, all six weeks of it. The heartbeat was good but had to go back in two weeks as the blob was slightly smaller than expected.
We went back again, and this time the blob was bigger and growing, with a stronger heartbeat. We cried happy tears.
A couple of weeks later we told family and friends. It was just easier as I like my wine, and the next social occasion would have been a giveaway. Everyone was delighted. They knew the struggles we’d had.
Something was wrong
Two days before I was due to go for my three-month scan, there was some brownish blood when I went to the toilet. I panicked.
I called my partner, and he calmed me down.
That night, when I went to college, I had cramps. I tried to remain calm. But when I went to the loo there was bright red blood.
I knew.
The next few hours were spent on the phone to the hospital, my mum and my sisters. I was searching for someone to tell me it would be OK; that it was normal.
My cramps got worse, and the hospital told me to come in.
We waited, and waited while I bled. My eyes were stinging from tears. There was no chance of calming me down. My partner just hugged me.
We finally saw a doctor, but she got called away to do a c-section before she could scan me.
We kept waiting. There was a scanner beside me, and I just wanted someone to tell me what I already knew to be true.
The doctor finally came back. She did the scan and left silently, saying she didn’t think she was using the machine correctly.
She came back with the registrar and scanned me again, with him looking over his shoulder. He confirmed what I had known for hours – there was no heartbeat.
Trying to get back to ‘normal’
The next couple of days were a blur of the worst pain I have ever felt, physically and emotionally. I didn’t know my heart could hurt so much.
My family and friends rushed to me. They have made this hell slightly more bearable.
My lovely man proposed while we were away a few weeks later. It was the first day I didn’t cry.
Now, I am waiting for things to return to ‘normal’ as my 38th birthday knocks silently on the door.
I thought I would have kids by now. Kids and a house with a garden. But life does not always work out the way you want it too.
I always thought that my life was harder than other people’s. That’s nonsense – you make your own luck. I believe that.
I am one of many women to suffer a miscarriage. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It’s too common and not spoken about enough.
My heart aches when I see a mum out with her newborn, but I know that their story before that baby came along might have been one of heartache and sadness. I see how happy they are now, and I hope to have that happiness.
One day I hope I will have my happy ending. I hope that every woman who reads this and can relate to this story has their happy ending too because we deserve it.
The writer has chosen to remain anonymous.
This article was originally published on 18 September 2016
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My wife is a couple of years older than you.
Two chemical pregnancies and five miscarriages later, there’s a five year old lying on the floor at my feet colouring and giggling.
It can happen.
@OU812: That’s lovely.
Ou812 , fair play to you for sharing , it gives hope to others in similar situations. ..
Don’t give up and most importantly try not to worry too much should you hopefully become pregnant again. Too often in life the more you want something the less chances of getting it. Hopefully you will get your bundle of joy, I wish you the best of luck.
After five years and it looking impossible to ever happen,right now im looking down at my daughter who is a week old,keep the faith it will hapoen for you
It took seven years to adopt my little Ethiopian four year old daughter .. It was a hell of a long wait .. She’s absolutely magic .. The best thing we ever could have done .. Adoption is win win..we are so blessed .. She was well worth the wait .. I wouldn’t change a thing now ..
Fair play Kate. Adoption is one of the most honorable things that one can do.
@Kate O’Shea: Foreign adoption is not possible anymore in Ireland since the Hague convention. Glad you got the chance before the doors were closed for others.
I hear ye! 6 1/2 to adopt our little Russian son. It’s totally the best and the love and fun is way more than we could ever have imagined.
Wurps, it’s still possible to adopt. We won’t be able to adopt again from Russia, however, we haven’t given up hope on another country.
Sending all the love, and hope you will share when you become the fabulous mother you desevre to be
I remember that pain, I’ve miscarried twice and nothing hurts like it. I have a beautiful 4yr old now but I do still cry for the other children I never met. I’ve never been shy about talking about it because even after I knew that it’s sadly so common I still felt so alone. Now I talk about it and let those around me know they can come to me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have suffered 4 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy. We have a 6 year old and after all the miscarriages in between we now have a beautiful 5 month old daughter. Thanks for sharing your story..don’t give up hope xx you will never forget your beautiful little baby that you carried and you are still a Mammy your Angel is just not here in this lifetime x
Well done on speaking out, the stigma of a miscarriage has to be removed. I am just recovering from a missed miscarriage and while I initially needed to be on my own to allow the process happen, I find the fact that people are staying away and ignoring the topic very difficult! Most family and friends (bar a few) have avoided us and certainly avoid the topic.
There is an assumption I guess that this is a private matter and so it is not discussed. I get sympathetic looks but that is it, people don’t want to talk about it! But I want to talk about it! It was my child, if I was still pregnant we’d be talking about it! How can we just ignore this and pretend that I wasn’t pregnant for the last number of months?
Just weeks ago people were going out of their way to congratulate me and now I’ve had this enormous loss and no one mentions it.
I get that people don’t know what to say and I understand that but I feel that if people just sent a simple txt to say “im sorry for your loss” then at least I know that they have acknowledged the loss rather than just pretend that it never existed in the first place!
Last night a former school mates mother met me and spontaneously hugged me and whispered in my ear that she was sorry for my loss, she had been there so knew exactly how I was feeling and while I was taken aback (because it wasn’t expected) it meant a lot that she acknowledged my loss!
A miscarriage is not something to be ashamed of, why are people afraid to talk about it?
It’s not a stigma, but I suspect most people don’t know what to say to a couple who suffer. That can often be more awkward than saying the wrong thing.
I understand that people don’t know what to say God knows I probably would have avoided the topic in the past also and that is why I wanted to highlight this! The loneliness can be almost as bad as the loss!
People don’t know what to say but what do we say when a couple lose a child? We do not always have the words but you’d be surprised how powerful even the words “I’m sorry for your loss” can be.
We understand you don’t have the words but to acknowledge the loss I believe is important rather than to pretend it never happened! Inside we are screaming, all we want is for someone to acknowledge our pain!
We do funerals and grief very well in Ireland but we rarely talk about miscarriage, but with a statistic of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, maybe we should talk about this more!
You are so right
@starry eyed surprise: You really are so right. I was the same. Even more so since my partner ended our relationship within weeks of the miscarriage. The loss and heartbreak and overwhelming grief was almost too much to bear on my own and there were only a very limited number of people who were genuinely there for me. Just someone saying “I’m sorry for your loss” acknowledges that you have, in fact, lost something really precious and can make it a little bit easier to bear. I know its probably not much easier with a partner but I imagine having someone else to share the tough moments with means that you don’t go completely mad and start talking to the dog…..like me!!
I too had a miscarriage. It was one of the loneliest saddest times in my life. I still cherish the positive pregnancy tests and scan pics from my babies little life in my womb. However, I conceived my son 8 months later and looking at him now, knowing he wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t the miscarriage..well, some things happen for a reason. And maybe the time wasn’t right for your little angel but please God you will get pregnant soon and have a bouncing baby in your arms safely 9 months later. X
You’ll get your Rainbow baby, it is hard to talk about especially when most people don’t want to hear. We were in the same situation and we are both in our 40′s. we finally got our happy ending. You will too..
This is my story (near the bottom)
https://stevecrow74.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/2014-boat-chickens-love-life-and-music/
&
https://stevecrow74.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/today-was-a-good-day-sad-but-good/
What most women take for granted can be a long and painful journey of heartache and disappointments.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you nothing but joy and happiness in your future.
I am a good few years older than you.I’ve also had a miscarriage,the hospital really stepped up to make it as painless as possible.wrong choice of words i know.their kindness towards me I will never forget.just 13 weeks.i had just told people.it was a blur totally unexpected as I’d had a scan previously.i cried and grieved and still do.i went on to have a healthy pregnancy and am now having a surprise!you have loads of time trust me.it will happen.it did so it will again.you will be one of the three ☺ mind yourselves.
All your stories are inspirational. Best of luck to the author.
Also in the miscarriage club. So sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I have two kids now. Grieve it like you would any death. People, although well meaning, can unintentionally trivialise a miscarriage with words such as “at least you know you can get pregnant”. But from the moment you saw “pregnant” on that test, it was a baby. You worked out your due date, read up on milestones, knew when your baby was the size of a grape, thought about the birth, thought about adapting your home, where the baby would sleep, breast or bottle, names, childcare for after maternity leave, it was your child. Not a test run to see if you could get pregnant. I wish you all the luck in the future, before long you’ll be a mammy xxx
@Maria Hickey-Fagan:@Maria Hickey-Fagan: so true and so well put
I had 4 miscarriges and 4 live births. My youngest son was born just before my 46th birthday.
Good luck
I know the pain you are going through. I remember also watching mothers with their babies and being so sad and jealous. But it did happen eventually so please don’t give up hope.
I know the pain you are going through. I remember also watching mothers with their babies and being so sad and jealous. But it did happen eventually so please don’t give up hope.
Our bodies can be cruel to us. A large percentage of first pregnancies end in miscarriage and it’s heartbreaking. Have you thought of counselling to help you through this difficult time? At least we’ve moved beyond the old “never mind, you can have another” brushoff. I wish you much luck for the future.
Miscarriages cut deep.
I’ve been there. And to this day a little piece of my heart is missing. My story is almost the same as yours. I’m sorry for your loss. I am one of the lucky ones. With help I eventually had a little angel. She is my rainbow baby and she’s the most precious thing I have. I would also like to say that the aftercare is atrocious. I had a nightmare of a time. If my husband wasn’t there to witness it you wouldn’t believe it. Keep strong. Keep hope. I hope you get the opportunity to hold your baby in your arms someday. X
There is foreign adoption or Intercountry adoption. We are currently adopting a child from Vietnam. The Hague convention was established to eliminate illegal adoptions and remove difficulties such as red tape etc.
@Rachael Wall:this is in reply to Wurls comment that there’s no foreign adoption in Ireland any more.
I had a baby after losing 3. Try not to give up hope – wishing you the very best of luck for the future!
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