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Do we value what men contribute to society and to family?

“‘There’s a crisis in this country for young men. They need feminism!’ says Rubberbandit Blindboy and he’s correct.”

WORKING AS A psychotherapist, I have begun to wonder if our men, brothers, fathers and sons are considerably less sure of themselves than their female counterparts.

Unsure of what it is they have to offer in relationships, in marriage, unsure of their value in the home and to society, and I wonder if this is so, should we not as a society be concerned?

Some fifty years on from Female Liberations movements, their effects are well-established. Women are no longer chattels to anyone in modern society as we know it.

Women work in any sphere they wish and more importantly they aspire to do and achieve what they wish.

No one doubts the necessity for this shift and the benefits have been enormous at a macro and micro level. Women like myself, have benefited from growing up in this time of change and value the freedom it has given to us and to the ambitions we can have for ourselves.

My question is how have men adjusted to these changes – or have they adjusted at all?

What has taken the place of their once clearly-defined path in life as worker and breadwinner as women move further into the working sphere, and what happens to them when unemployment bites in?

What has happened to their role in the family? How do men now view themselves and how do their wives and partners view their contribution to family life and to child-rearing?

shutterstock_447799132 Shutterstock / Halfpoint Shutterstock / Halfpoint / Halfpoint

As the liberation movements gave a voice to women and helped them to articulate their needs and desires, in society, they became yet more clear about their contribution which was already well defined in their unmistakeable mothering role.

Men on the other hand, seem to be standing to the side, unsure of their right to speak, unsure of what their needs are, unsure of their value and unsure of their right to articulate their needs.

I see men in their 20s, looking for markers online of ‘how to be’ – when are men valued nowadays, and for what specifically?

This is the hard question facing them.

I see men in their 30s, trying to fulfil their role as a father and am sometimes shocked by the low value women place on their contribution in the home and am shocked that the male way of doing things is dismissed as always wrong.

For example, recently a couple were attending because the mother felt that the father was not sufficiently safety conscious with their six-year-old. On examination it was clear that in fact it it was she, the mother, who was being overly careful and that it was the father, who had normal expectations of the child.

A woman’s primal urge to protect her child can come in the way of that child’s development, where a father offers a more calm fact-based appraisal of the risks.

Men and women need to recognise the value of their different contributions to the development of their child. Men focus on independence while mothers focus on emotional security and safety. It is a little of both that the child requires.

Research bears this out when one looks at fathers and mothers at play with their children and how they differ greatly.

Women play with children at the child’s level and tend to allow the child to steer the play. Fathers, on the other hand tend to establish challenge, initiative and risk taking into the play, leading more to the development of the physical and mental skill sets that lead toward independence.

shutterstock_275132456 Shutterstock / Halfpoint Shutterstock / Halfpoint / Halfpoint

Men are less preoccupied by detail; dishes for example, often a source of irritation between couples in the home. The truth is men can ignore them, while women on the other hand cannot ignore the dishes. This ability to screen out detail is a male strength.

As an addendum to this, men will disagree with their partners and when that disagreement is over, it is over for them and quickly forgotten. Women, on the other hand, have the tendency to go over the detail in their minds and can find it difficult to forget about the detail and let the argument go.

The male contribution here is a plus to the relationships and is helpful in resolving issues. It is also a personal strength as precious mental processing time and energy is not consumed on the argument.

But more interesting is what lies beneath this.

Men are different to women and need to be. Those differences need to be observed and valued, not ironed out of existence. The movements that have freed women may have silenced and confused men.

We need to hear more about men’s world, and we women need to listen to their world.

What is it like to be young and male today?

What is it like for them as sons, fathers, brothers, husbands?

As women we need to understand and value the strengths that are implicit to ‘the male way’ of doing things.

We need to acknowledge and support those strengths, in child rearing, in relationships, in our homes for the benefit of men, and women and our society going forward.

Stephanie is a Clinical Psychotherapist and Mental Health Campaigner.

Read: Dispossessed dads: ‘Fathers are second-class parents and given limited access to children’

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    Mute stonypockets
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    Nov 20th 2016, 7:32 AM

    Finally! It is nice to see a think piece that considers a male perspective in society. The right wing branch of feminism gets so much air time these days that I worry about the perception of men’s position and roles in society. It is a great time to be alive for women, we can choose to be working mothers, our role in the workforce isn’t restricted by our gender. However, this comes at a cost of men becoming a downtrodden group. Feminism still has an important place in the world (the continued violation of women’s rights in developing countries proves that). However, I think it would benefit the cause if we could appreciate that men and women are different, and each gender makes important contributions to society without hindering progress of the feminist agenda.

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    Mute Martin Ryan
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    Nov 20th 2016, 7:36 AM

    No. mens role in society is now totally undervalued .

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    Mute Charlie Fogarty
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    Nov 20th 2016, 7:37 AM

    @stonypockets:

    I hope the rest of the comments today are as positive as yours pockets! ‘Tis nice to hear.

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    Mute stonypockets
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    Nov 20th 2016, 7:50 AM

    I should clarify my last point, when I say ‘without hindering’, I mean that having the view that men and women make different contributions to society will not send women’s rights back to the dark ages. My fear is that if we do not recognise the importance of men’s roles in society we undermine their rights!

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    Mute Debi Nikita
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:46 AM

    Great comment Stoneypockets.. I can’t understand why men think that they are ‘undervalued’ when they are definitely not.

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    Mute stonypockets
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    Nov 20th 2016, 10:27 AM

    I think the young feminists of today don’t understand what the goal of feminism in its original format was. Male bashing was never a part of the agenda. It makes me feel ill that women feel the need to crush men in order to ‘progress’. It makes me wonder what ever happened to equality?
    There has been such a skew in popular media toward women’s issues in recent years. It has escaped our attention that men are becoming the less equal sex in many areas, they are being failed in education, health care, and social welfare. You only have to see the statistics in mental health, suicide and life expectancy. The bias in cancer screening initiatives is just one example, we have population based breast and cervical screening programs, while apart from bowel cancer screening, men’s programs are opportunistic at best. When was the last time you heard of a prostate or testicular screening program?

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    Mute Cloud Jellies
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:09 AM

    As the French say”vive la difference”Men and Women should celebrate and respect each other.

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    Mute Cram Wood
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    Nov 20th 2016, 10:04 AM

    I see young men and I can’t help but cringe. All (nearly) young men care about now is how they look, how they feel about things and what other people think of them. When I was a young man we were the opposite. Some might say that is not a positive thing but maybe the ideal is in the middle. Young lads need to give two fingers to the world and have a bit of chanelled agression and stop sitting aroung bitching about things. Get out there and make a life rather than letting others decide for you what life should be.

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    Mute Lorcan Byrne
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    Nov 20th 2016, 10:14 AM

    @Cram Wood: you couldnt possibly know what “All (nearly) young men care about “.

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    Mute Cram Wood
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    Nov 20th 2016, 10:20 AM

    Lorcan. You are right. I should have said all the young men I come across.

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    Mute Emeralds
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:40 AM

    Feminism is the last thing men in crisis need. For a start, it uses the prefix “man” as a shorthand way of saying something is bad. So “mansplain” is used to devalue men’s opinions and keep them quiet and “manspread” is used to make men feel ashamed of their bodies. “Male pride” is bad pride. “Female pride” is empowerment.”

    It blames them for everything wrong in the world via its conspiracy theory about “the patriarchy” and pretends that their successes are unearned because of “privilege”. It invents terms like “male violence” as if violence had a gender, and places violence against women above the far more common violence against men. What would we say about an ideology that blamed “black violence” for “violence against whites”?

    Feminists say, quite literally, that all men are responsible for rape and assail our most important right; the presumption of innocence. Feminists campaign against equal parenting rights and funding for groups sheltering men from abusive spouses.

    And of course, feminists are silent on parental alienation, arguing that the presumption women will get custody in fact oppresses women while still jealously guarding it. They’re silent about the education gap, the unemployment gap, the homelessness gap, the health funding gap, workplace fatalities and the sentencing gap

    Men need less feminism

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    Mute Frederick Burden
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:55 AM

    @Emeralds:
    Men need feminism like a hole in the head.
    Blindboy says young men should talk to feminists…..what people don’t realise is that he’s laughing his head off underneath the plastic bag.

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    Mute Sinead Hanley
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    Nov 20th 2016, 12:58 PM

    Emeralds. Totally agree with you on feminism. In the article she says we need to hear more from men on their world. And women need to listen.. But is a huge huge issue for men that they dont speak about things that bother them. And she is insinuating that women dont listen. (Maybe feminists dont listen). But most women are concerned and if you ask a guy whats going on with him you know what answer you will get… “Nothing”….

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    Mute Ben McArthur
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    Nov 20th 2016, 1:30 PM

    Whereas no woman has ever answered the question “What’s wrong?” with “nothing”, through gritted teeth, making it absolutely clear that the next three hours will be a game of Guess What I’m Annoyed About :)

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    Mute Sinead Hanley
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    Nov 20th 2016, 2:23 PM

    The point being.. After 3 hours she will let you know what’s bothering her and you can go about sorting it out.. Whearas with guys (and it’s not a criticism) you don’t want to share what’s worrying you or on your mind.. It’s very hard to help or understand when ye refuse to discuss it..

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    Mute Chris Kirk
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    Nov 20th 2016, 2:37 PM

    @Sinead Hanley: Most men tend to bottle it up and learn to deal with it, so it isn’t really an issue. The pity is that many younger men never listened or talked to their fathers in the first place, and if they had they might have learned something about themselves. The tragedy is once they have gone it begins to matter more.

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    Mute Bairéid Rísteard
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:23 AM

    The meeja has a lot to answer for in fairness, years upon years of promoting the narrative that females as the more knowing and virtuous, whereas men are foolish and pose a threat. Blindboy means well, but men do not need feminism whatsoever.

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    Mute Tom
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    Nov 20th 2016, 10:58 AM

    @Bairéid Rísteard: I do hate those adverts where men are portrayed as idiots and the smart savvy woman saves the day. Marketing really needs to clean up its act.

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    Mute Magoo
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    Nov 20th 2016, 11:23 AM

    AXA redline

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    Mute Fintan Oflaois
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:00 AM

    Reading this article, what I see is an awful lot of generalisations about men, and a few about women as well.

    It is only very recently that women have made significant advances in Irish society, but some men seem to be having a bit of difficulty adjusting to that. What would they do in a country like Sweden or Finland, where women have enjoyed a better deal than their Irish sisters for many decades. I haven’t noticed Swedish or Finnish men moaning a lot because women are treated as equals and having to wonder what their role in society is.

    And what a rosy picture Stephanie paints of the great life women enjoy in Ireland! Is that the same Ireland whose Constitution claims that a woman’s value is the same as that of a seconds-old zygote, or from where 5,000 or so women each year have to go across the sea to be able to exercise their right to choose what happens to and in their own wombs?

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    Mute Donncha Ó Coileáin
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:22 AM

    Part of the difference here in Sweden comes from the fact that women see themselves as equal in every sense of the word, not just outside their relationships, as can be common in Ireland.

    When I lived back in Ireland, at work you constantly heard some women talking about how their boyfriend got them an iPad, a trip to Paris, a diamond bracelet, took her to Brown Thomas for shoes etc etc. At Valentines this list got very long and I asked what they got their boyfriend. The reply was a surprised laugh and I was told that men don’t like getting things for Valentines. I heard comments such as ‘If he gets me anything that cost less than €500 there’ll be war.’

    You have that other Irish phenomenon of women ‘letting their men go out’ for a night out, a stag or even for a few pints.

    Now that’s a snapshot of some women I came across in my time living back home. But it seemed common enough. Over here, even married couples keep their finances separate. They make an equal contribution to the running of the household. They care for each other to an equal level – women buy men presents too, no one asks the other for permission to go out. You always go Dutch on a date. It’s just proper equality.

    No wonder men feel downtrodden. On one hand giving women the equality they deserve, while on the other still having to treat them in some ways like it’s he 1950s. It’s no surprise that poor guy the Rubberbandits were talking about feels he has nothing to ‘offer’ a woman with such expectations.

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    Mute Zx5vZulB
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    Nov 20th 2016, 12:03 PM

    That’s it lad, you have nailed it right there. I have had this nagging feeling that something is just not quite right about our society for years, and in one comment you have summed it up beautifully. We do have double standards in this country when it comes to equality, especially in the microcosm of our relationships. Men are supposed to be all things PC, and all the natural male characteristics such as independence, tunnel vision, tenacity, fighting for a promotion, living in the moment, all these activities and mindsets are frowned upon now, as if any manifestation of a male psyche is just a put-down to the poor Irish women. Sometimes you need to live abroad to see what’s wrong at home. In some ways I think Irish men have brought this on ourselves, and lets face it, it’s only us who can start to change things. I hereby call on all Irish men to enjoy your masculinity this afternoon. Allow your natural inclinations to be fulfilled. Kill your dinner and eat your girl out for dessert if you like. Just be a man again and see how it feels for a day!

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    Mute cortisola
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:39 AM

    White heterosexual adult male = public enemy. Blame them for everything. Abuse and bully them as much as you want.

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    Mute cortisola
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:40 AM

    Modern whipping boy for everyone else…

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    Mute Fintan Oflaois
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    Nov 20th 2016, 12:23 PM

    @cortisola: Gosh, that’s an awful dose of a persecution complex you have, poor petal.

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    Mute Frederick Burden
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:37 AM

    A majority of men do not trust feminism or feminists. With good cause I might add.
    Feminism is like a reporter arriving at a scene of an accident and reporting that there are two female victims involved while conveniently ignoring the male bodies strewn across the highway.
    The term feminism has become far too divisive. At this point in time it’s a hindrance to social progress rather than an aid. It conjures up images of privileged white western women with too much time on their hands and unlimited access to social media. Think Guardian/Huffington Post clickbait.
    The term egalitarian would much more apt in a modern society.

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    Mute Gavin Prior
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:54 AM

    If mankind means everyone, how come feminism can’t refer everyone too?

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    Mute Emeralds
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    Nov 20th 2016, 11:47 AM

    Because of the words and actions of its adherents

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    Mute Gavin Prior
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    Nov 20th 2016, 7:27 PM

    Would you care to provide some actual examples from real humans?

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    Mute Ciarán
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:00 AM

    Rings bells, Very good article.

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    Mute vNblxOSQ
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:50 AM
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    Mute Pmulligan
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    Nov 20th 2016, 8:05 AM

    SMA mums

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    Mute vNblxOSQ
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    Nov 20th 2016, 9:12 AM

    Some great comments here. What i hear now is raucous voices with an entitlement mentality and no grasp of their own responsibility

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    Mute Ben McArthur
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    Nov 20th 2016, 1:50 PM

    I don’t think much will change about the general view of fathers unless people are actually aware of some specifics. Fifty years ago, a single mother was virtually guaranteed a miserable life trapped in poverty. None of us want to go back to that, but nor do we recognise that it’s still the case for very many. At the risk of sounding like Kevin Myers, we have put in place a system of keeping people as state supplicants, breeding the next generation to do exactly the same.

    Never mind esoteric and intangible psychological outcomes, there are basic facts here. A child with a biological father present is statistically less likely to be malnourished, or repeatedly absent from school, or physically abused, than a child without. Girls with fathers present hit puberty later, have sex later and get pregnant later.

    The immediate response to this is always “are you saying that single parents are bad people”, which it isn’t at all and is itself a symptom of the problem.

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    Mute Amy Wallis
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    Nov 20th 2016, 3:40 PM

    Brilliant article and a very important topic that needs to be discussed and not shoved aside.

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    Mute Mimmy Jonaghan
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    Nov 21st 2016, 2:43 AM

    Really enjoyable article and I identified a lot with it! As an Irish guy in his 20′s who has chosen, shall we say, alternative paths in life, it’s sometimes hard to not feel insecure about something like earning less than your female partner.

    Accepting feminism means outright denying the stigma that a man should earn more than his wife/partner, that he shouldn’t feel weak or embarrassed about expressing his emotions anymore than a woman might, or feel guilty about something like taking the opportunity to be a stay at home parent. The psychology of men, however, has us hardwired to feel optimaly good about ourselves when we are the main providers for our home.

    The increase of opportunities for women in the workforce has naturally meant less opportunities for men, a necessary and fair competition. The problem however is that a lot of men hold their own earning potential up against that of the partner they are biologically supposed to be ‘protecting’ or ‘providing’ for. It can play havoc on the psyche and self esteem of a young man, and the awareness of emotional intelligence must be established in order for a lot of men to be able to process and handle these sometimes difficult insecurities.

    Men will always base our worth on our contribution to society and the home. We must learn however, that it doesn’t need to be the only, or even the biggest contribution.

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    Mute Alois Irlmaier
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    Nov 20th 2016, 2:15 PM

    Nope, society is going down the drain now?

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