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The single most important thing you can do to negotiate better deals

Negotiation skills aren’t just for high-level diplomats or CEOs – we rely on them for many daily interactions.

I’VE TAUGHT NEGOTIATION workshops and seminars in several countries across three continents and one thing I keep stressing is that negotiations are not reserved for big boardrooms or the United Nations. We negotiate all the time, every day, no matter who we are.

Think about it. Almost every single interaction in life – not only the big-money deals or trying to turn a prospect into a client – but the seemingly little things, like deciding with your friends what movie you’ll see or choosing with your partner which new restaurant you should try, are also negotiations.

Think about buying a car – or especially, for those of you with kids, think about nearly every interaction with them. Like trying to get your child out of bed and dressed to get to school on time. All of these examples involve negotiations!

Some basic tenets you may already have learned about negotiating are:

  • Identifying goals, short-term and long-term
  • Identifying obstacles
  • Listing decision makers, third-party advocates and performing stakeholder analysis
  • Worst-case-scenario planning

And, of course, you have to add due diligence and prep time to all of this. And there’s an emphasis on following a process. It’s exhausting.

But… Organisational-behaviour experts and researchers are applying a new structure – and I’ve adapted it for many of the large, multinational clients I work with too. From wherever you are at the moment, there is one simple but incredibly effective question that will help you get more.

Being human

While emphasising the importance of valuing the human ‘factor’ may already sound familiar to you, we don’t often deploy these new techniques in a deliberative and strategic fashion for every negotiation we encounter.

Too often, for the big, high-stake negotiations – like a contract or a multimillion-euro deal – we put aside the emotional stuff and depend rather on the facts, data and other ‘rational’ information, like value propositions or projections and so on, to try and make our case.

But the research today shows we will have a higher rate of success if we invest more time on the human emotion of the person sitting across from us at the table.

Tapping into emotions

The notion of tapping into the emotions of another person may seem super-obvious – or maybe super-foreign – but the question I often get is, “OK, I get it from a philosophical point of view, but how exactly do I do this?”

Simple. Start your next negotiations by asking a question: “So, how’s it going?”

Now, that may seem like a silly little thing – but there are four principles buried into that question:

  1. It’s informal and takes the pressure off of the deal at the outset
  2. It’s a question and questions are a great way to gather information
  3. It’s focused on the other party, not yourself, and that’s great for building trust and getting to know more about their emotions and perceptions
  4. The question establishes a little comfort and rapport by being chatty and informal. It’s good, old-fashioned small talk.

Getting inside people’s heads

The reason we need to ask more questions is we need to spend time understanding what’s going on inside the head of the other person.

They may have received a speeding ticket while driving to the meeting. They may have recently lost a loved one. Outside influences can have serious influence on your meeting, but you will never know unless you ask.

The other person must be more important than you for your own goals to be met. This focus on people and relationships is not a weak negotiating tool – and it isn’t the only one, of course. But my experience has shown it is the key.

Making a connection with another person is the MOST persuasive thing that you can do. Make friends with the other party and they’ll help you find ways to achieve your goals.

Gina London is an award-winning former CNN correspondent who now serves as director of strategic communications at Fuzion. This article was originally posted on Fora.ie.

If you want to share your opinion, advice or story, email opinion@fora.ie.

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    Mute fuve
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:20 PM

    Since he sees he is a problem and refused himself to be considered for parole I have slight sympathy for the man. Unlike some rapists and murderers who don’t give a damn. He has shown concience. How desperately tormented he must be with his guilt to want to die. That shows something. Don’t get me wrong he should feel that,but surprising how does.

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    Mute pats brandon
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:10 AM

    If it’s what he wants.. I genuinely can’t see a problem..

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 4th 2015, 11:13 AM

    So the logic here is that if someone seems to show conscience and asks to be killed we should do it so thed don’t have to continue to feel sorry for what they have done? This is sloppy in the extreme. The Belgians really ought to step back and look at the bigger picture. They are implementing the death penalty – just dressing it up as a mercy killing.

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    Mute Lily
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:03 PM

    So be it…

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    Mute Sharon Obrien
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:30 PM

    Let his victims decide,,

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    Mute Gary Gary
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:01 PM

    Leave him suffering and hope he lives a long life if you ask me.

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    Mute David Thomas
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:06 PM

    I agree with you up to a point but do you want this self confessed hopeless case using up state money until he dies?

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    Mute Hevin Bear Kiggins
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:59 PM

    No bigger punishment than death. Your are literally wiped from existence.

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    Mute Mary Lyons
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:34 PM

    @ Gary.If you are sick you are sick.

    And you sound sick to me!

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    Mute Pat Lonergan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 9:09 AM

    By Jesus add to it if it was possible

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    Mute Liam Fleming
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:16 PM

    Jayus, I don’t no how to feel about this, 30 years in jail, has he repented ? Does he deserve to get out? Should the sh!t have being kicked out of him? Does he desarve the honour of dying? Should he have just done it him self 10 years ago? Was he just fvuckd up and just have got help 30 years ago? But from a parents point of view, I would say let him rot in hell, I just don’t no what or how to comment on this.

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    Mute Laura Leslie
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:24 PM

    I know how you feel. I suppose he has repented in some way having realised that he is a danger to society and not capable of changing. It is best to have people like this off the earth than risk him being allowed back out in my opinion.

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    Mute fuve
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:25 PM

    Hey Liam I agree that’s what separates us from them.

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    Mute Ugly Truth
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:42 PM

    Recognizing death as an acceptable way to relieve suffering could influence people contemplating suicide,.. Just pause on that for a moment

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    Mute Silver Planet
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:58 PM

    You managed to comment all the same, Liam

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    Mute Mary Lyons
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:24 PM

    Good luck to you In think you are doing the right thing.

    I wish your family peace on earth!

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    Mute Mary Lyons
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:28 PM

    Good luck to you I think you are doing the right thing.

    I wish your family peace on earth!

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    Mute Irish Toni
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:28 AM

    His parent? His victims parent?

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    Mute Irish Toni
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:29 AM

    Blessed relief.

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 4th 2015, 2:03 PM

    I don’t t think that he should be executed! The death penalty does not exist in the EU and euthanising (killing) this guy is a reintroduction of it. Therefore Belgium is wrong, whether he has repented or not, whether he wants it or not, whether he considers himself a danger to society or not.

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    Mute Chief
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:28 PM

    Comments are unreal. Isn’t it clear to anyone that this person couldn’t control himself. He’s not wired like the rest of us or should I say the majority of us. He’s decided to kill himself and if we’d some way to spot others like him and dish out the same fate instead of keeping them in jail for years the world would be a better place!

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    Mute Dermot Ryan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 2:54 AM

    And who would you trust to operate such a system Chief ?
    Just a question ………

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    Mute Chief
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    Jan 4th 2015, 8:13 AM

    The man from Del Monte.

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    Mute Amanda Murphy
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:06 PM

    Let the dirt bag suffer another thirty years of misery prison is only part of what he deserves…

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    Mute Hevin Bear Kiggins
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:58 PM

    So you would abolish the right to die on torture grounds?

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    Mute Seán Donnelly
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:08 PM

    I am in favour of Euthanasia but not as it is applied in Belgium. Far too liberal.

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    Mute Antrim
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:08 PM

    Should be done via claw hammer

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    Mute Antrim
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:05 PM

    Baseball bat then

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    Mute Ray Moran
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:05 PM

    Castrate him and let him rot.

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    Mute Laura Leslie
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:18 PM

    Castration doesn’t always work as the crime delivers more than just a sexual thrill. Often offenders crave the feeling of having power over the victim and don’t necessarily need the sexual pay off.

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    Mute Gambon
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:22 PM

    Yeah but it will make the pig feel like sh!t.

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    Mute Catherine Mayock
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    Jan 4th 2015, 1:47 PM

    I think it would only make him more violent and sadistic to get his thrill. You would be unleashing a monster. If he wants to die . So be it. Its his choice.

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    Mute Lastpost
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:09 PM

    He must be mad f him if that’s what he wants save the tax payer in Belgium some cash

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    Mute Ugly Truth
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:59 PM

    “Having severed any solidarity with our offspring through abortion on demand, and with our spouse through divorce on demand, [euthanasia] will now cut loose our parents through suicide on demand. It corrodes community, so that when [someone] gets lonely and tired of life, the community comes to him or her not with encouragement and involvement, but with a needle. It corrodes character so that the human ideal of facing life to the end with courage and good humour is abandoned as too distressing; it is easier to tear the chapter called ‘Dying’ out of our story; it is easier just to be made dead than to have died.” ~ Dr David van Gend

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    Mute John Mulligan
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:51 PM

    Give him a sex change op and put him on a bus in India.

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    Mute Fran Maguire
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:24 PM

    He was found to be insane and that diagnosis has not changed. Can his request now be deemed to be that of a rational person.
    The Belgian euthanasia law is problematic and should assisted suicide be decriminalized in Ireland the same slippery slope become inevitable.

    Belgian law was extended to include children of all ages, how can an insane inmate and children be competent to make such decisions. Fifteen other prisoners have requested to be euthanize following Frank Van Den Bleeken precedent.

    The state is being co-opted into assisted suicide in violation of its first duty, to protect its citizens.

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    Mute Patrick O' Brien
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    Jan 4th 2015, 1:04 AM

    Fran there is no state in the world can protect all of it’s people, all of the time, or even some of the time…..This monster went on a rampage of raping women, and 1 rape murder.
    He has had several years to bring about his own demise, but choose not too……Has he repented??, I think the punishment was ratched up a few notches in prison, to suit the monsters crime, and alas now he is opting for this……The GOOD life is OVER…

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    Mute Dermot Ryan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 2:58 AM

    Fran you’re touching on an oddity in law that is resembled in the law’s attitude to drink …
    If one commits a murder while drunk this is taken into account – compis mentis ….but if a lad decides to drive a car when drunk then it is as if he made a perfectly rational decision and the full weight of the law is thrown at him ……
    Not judging the law in this in any way – just pointing it out – sin e !

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    Mute Unfortunately
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:14 PM

    Animal… If that’s what he wants then he should be given – upkeep of prisoners cost plenty of money there should be more of them with same wish as him.

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    Mute Kerry Blake
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:31 PM

    You do know that executing prisoners as they do in the USA costs more then keeping them alive?

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    Mute Emachine
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:41 PM

    He should be told on the 10th “eh no sorry we changed our minds” enjoy your suffering. His victims don’t get an easy out,why should he?

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    Mute Cupid Stunt
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:12 PM

    Suppose the pro life crowd will be doing their up most to save this man. Maybe a few placards of him outside the gpo and people insisting he live. We’re all God’s creatures after all.

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    Mute Gambon
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:20 PM

    De-bollix the pig and leave him rot in a hole.

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    Mute shane murphy
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:21 PM

    That animal should be tortured not killed in a nice way what right has he to die peacefully after destroying peoples lives he should be left to rot in jail and raped once maybe twice a week

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    Mute Laura Leslie
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:31 PM

    If I read the article right I think he realises he is an ongoing threat to society as he has declined any possibility of parole. In his situation I think I would choose to die also. It’s either choose to die or risk being released and commit again. He obviously has a psychological urge to commit these horrible crimes.

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    Mute winding_down
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:14 PM

    Far to long to live in Bruges anyway…

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    Mute Rory Corbett
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:45 PM

    But.. Bruge is like a f@cking fairy tale..

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:55 PM

    Essentially Belgium is reintroducing the death penalty. The EU should prevent Belgium from accommodating his wishes on the basis that the death penalty is incompatible with EU membership. If they want they should give a blunt and rusty razor blade and let him try to commit suicide – naturally they would be obliged to do everything to save his life once they found him.

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    Mute Dónal Mac Cormaic
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:31 PM

    I am 100% against euthanasia. No matter what the circumstances.

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    Mute John Dunne
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:42 PM

    Ever witnessed a loved ones prolonged agony?

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    Mute Niall Lonergan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 4:53 AM

    Is that because you believe a certain cosmical Jewish zombie which you can speak to telepathically that could somehow walk on water but not return as he claimed he would 40 years after his death(as he said he would but they don’t tell you about that in church) tells you through a book written by Roman politicians? Or no?

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    Mute 2sevensclash
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:29 PM

    Hanging is too good for him, he needs a good kick in the arse.

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    Mute Robert Cummins
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    Jan 4th 2015, 9:06 AM

    You most give a really good kick in the arse if it’s worse than hanging!!

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    Mute ptriley
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:58 PM

    Test drugs on him

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    Mute Michael Sands
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:02 AM

    Being selfish, I fell more sorry about his victims.

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    Mute Gerard Casserly
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:47 PM

    The youth in Asia?
    What’s wrong with the youth in Europe?

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    Mute Thomas Aquinas
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:46 PM

    Give him a nail studded rope and leave him to it

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    Mute Paddy Hannigan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:50 AM

    Just hand him back his belt and shoe laces.Let him take care of it himself.I personally would like to keep him alive in a 6×6 cell untill the end of time but if he wants to take himself out he should do it by his own hand.No need to get others involved in giving him what he wants.

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    Mute amos brearly
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 8:35 PM

    This is why euthanasia should only be allowed in certain circumstances. Should’nt be used on s¢umbags like this unless by firing squad.

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    Mute Liam Fleming
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 10:14 PM

    8 thumbs down and no 1 has the balls to give me a reason why

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    Mute Colin C
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:34 AM

    Get a spine.

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    Mute Laura Leslie
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    Jan 4th 2015, 1:05 AM

    I really wouldn’t worry too much about it Liam. Maybe you get the red thumbs because you don’t have an extreme view people can pull you to shreds over. They love a good argument here. ☺

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    Mute Dermot Ryan
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    Jan 4th 2015, 3:01 AM

    We don’t Laura – care to argue ?

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 4th 2015, 11:07 AM

    You have loads of green thumbs and I don’t know why. Your comment is a load of confusion I gave you a red thumb because you were making no sense.

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    Mute Liam Fleming
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    Jan 4th 2015, 11:17 AM

    I think ur an arse hole

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    Mute Laura Leslie
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    Jan 4th 2015, 11:53 AM

    I thought it was an honest comment so I green thumbed it. It’s not always possible to find exactly where you stand on certain issues and it’s ok say so. This is a forum for discussion and maybe he expected more opinions on his questions?

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 4th 2015, 1:56 PM

    Maybe you are right Laura but he asked a question and I answered. It was my opinion and he shows little respect. If you can’t handle an answer why ask the question in the first place? I have voiced my opinion elsewhere above and have plenty of red thumbs – not a problem!

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    Mute Liam Fleming
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    Jan 3rd 2015, 9:11 PM

    Could the people that gave me red thumbs down please come back here and explain why, I didn’t say anything wrong, I stayed nutrule into comment, r is it just trolls with negative views? Common red thumbers, give me ur views???

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    Mute john Appleseed
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    Jan 4th 2015, 12:17 AM

    It just read like random drivel.

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    Mute Ray Comerford
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    Jan 4th 2015, 11:08 AM

    See above!

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