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Column 'Everybody else seemed to 'get' life. I was lost, so lost, and tired of not feeling okay'

If someone hadn’t noticed me, I would not be writing these words today, writes Neil Kelders.

A MAJOR FAUX pas, as someone battling depression and anxiety, I didn’t talk. I didn’t share. I didn’t confide.

You may ask why? To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. Probably partly due to my lack of understanding of my problems and what I was actually going through, partly not wanting to remove my mask.

I am Neil, the “funny”, confident, outgoing, sporty guy. I have no troubles whatsoever.

Christmas memories

It is Christmas 1984. I am five and buzzing for Santa. We were staying in a hotel in Galway for Christmas. I know, right?

I think if I had any more excitement I would have peed my Liverpool FC pyjamas. So, here I am on Christmas day, decked out in my new Liverpool FC kit and racing around the hotel, terrorising guests on my new plastic race car.

Exhausted from the day’s activity I hit the sack. Next thing I know, I’m awake. “Mom, mom, mom, mom, moooooom, mmmooooom,” I shouted. But there was no response.

This was not a familiar feeling. This was strange and I didn’t like it. I got out of bed and moved to next room. My family were not there. I panicked. A babysitter entered. I was upset but Mom came to the rescue. She Usain-Bolted it upstairs and I felt safe, nestled in her arms until I settled back to sleep.

Is it normal for an adult to feel like this?

This is something, I think, we can all relate to as a child, being upset, maybe feeling alone, a little lost, but all is set right by the power of Mom and the love of family and friends. And I have always had this love in abundance. It is okay for a child to feel and react this way. It is normal. You could say it is expected.

Is it normal for an adult to act and feel this way? To feel alone, lost, unable to cope? Are we expected to act differently, and if so, when did this expectation shift?

Welcome to my world. For over 21 years, from the first moment I contemplated suicide at 15 years of age, I was lost, so alone, an outsider. Everybody else seemed to “get” it. They all knew the direction they were heading.

I felt so alone. I was lost and tired, exhausted from trying to fight this constant battle alone. I was sick and tired of not being okay. I look back now on some of the thoughts I had at that time.

19th October 2014

I curl up in bed, in the darkness, stillness, clutching my duvet over my head, phone off, headphones on to dull out the noise of the world, to escape reality and the constant stream of negative thoughts.

12th December 2014

I press “post” and there it is, my first blog post on my very own blog. There’s no hiding. I am exposed now, my mask is off. For the first time in 21 years, this is me Neil, the real Neil Kelders. Hi, I’m Neil Kelders and I battle depression and anxiety.

13th December 2014

I am overcome with anxiety, my body is physically shaking. You idiot. You have just irreversibly ruined your life. Eh, remember how you wanted to, maybe, get back playing team sports, well you can kiss that goodbye, no team, in their right mind would touch you. Oh you want a girlfriend is it? Oh yeah, all any girl needs is a “head the ball” like you hanging off her. And what about your business, you dope, you think people looking for someone to motivate them to achieve fitness goals, is going to hire you? Think again. You will have no money, no friends, and, now even less of a future.

I was so low at that point. However, I summoned up the courage to check my blog. No way. I received comments, positive comments, missed calls from friends, messages of support from people I barely knew.

I can’t put into words how touched I was. That show of support was a very important step in my journey through depression, without it, hand on heart, I know I would never have recovered. I had built up such a case of internalised stigma.

That is why, for me, campaigns such as the See Change Green Ribbon Campaign are vital. If you wear a ribbon, you can save a life. The ribbon tells me you notice me, you are here for me, you are willing to support me. If someone hadn’t noticed me, I would not be writing these words today. I would be dead.

6th March 2014

The day that saved my life. Having chatted to my sister-in-law, she called my older brother. My anxiety was kicking in and I couldn’t face him. We came face to face and he did not say a word. He hugged me and something strange happened, I felt safe again. Things might actually be okay. I am not alone. Someone has noticed me.

My journey continues as I hope yours does.

Neil Kelders hails from Kerry and now runs Corefit, a Dublin based personal training service. You can follow his mental health journey and fitness advice on neilkelders.com and instagram @neilkels_corefitlife or visit corefit.ie. In May each year, See Change and its partner organisations run the Green Ribbon campaign to get Ireland talking about mental health. Visit www.greenribbon.ie for more information.

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29 Comments
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    Mute Daithí Uí Ciarmhic
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    May 10th 2017, 8:38 PM

    Fair play man, with people like you breaking their silence the stigma of mental illness will evaporate

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    Mute Pat Mustard
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    May 10th 2017, 8:44 PM

    Very insightful and educational Neil. Thanks for sharing. Articles like this can help those with depression know they are not alone and help those who care about them to provide support.

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    Mute Catherine Sims
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    May 10th 2017, 8:44 PM

    We need to put faces to mental illness. Once we do we realise that it’s our friends family neighbours and work colleagues. It’s potientially anyone we know or it’s over selves.

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    Mute Paul Freeman
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    May 10th 2017, 8:46 PM

    Its a horrible dark place but there is help,these stories of people coming back from the brink are so helpful and reassuring.

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 10th 2017, 9:10 PM

    On January 12th 2015, i left a written reminder in the notes of some work, a fact check on where i was at, how i was at that time, what i could do do change my situation. Almost a year to the day, i found that reminder when checking the notes for something else and realised that for all my anxiety, depression and suicidal inclinations, nothing in the slightest had changed. Everything was still exactly the same and my efforts to escape it’s gravity had been worthless. So i left another reminder, telling myself not to give up & encouraging myself to try harder. On January 12th 2017, i looked at the note again & decided to just stop reminding myself. Now i just try to forget as best i can or disguise it from view if i can’t. I wish everyone in similar circumstances to the author, the best with their future but i’ve never seen this green ribbon he spoke about and if i do, seeing it will mean as much to me as hearing about it. I’m glad he got out but not everyone does.

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    Mute Mary Walshe
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    May 10th 2017, 10:40 PM

    Please share your thoughts with someone whom you trust and who loves you. You don’t have to suffer alone

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    Mute Kerry Blake
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    May 10th 2017, 10:40 PM

    @The Unknown Souldier: There is help there if you look. I know I found that help.

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    Mute Alison Maguire
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    May 10th 2017, 10:42 PM

    @The Unknown Souldier: but you still here, youve kept going well done

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 10th 2017, 11:00 PM

    @Mary Walshe: Thanks for your reply Mary, i do appreciate your input but unfortunately i already have, it just made them sad. That’s the only person i have in my life so i decided that it is indeed better for everyone else if i do suffer alone. But if it helps, discussing it in this forum with people like yourself always gives me food for thought and that can hardly be considered a negative.

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 10th 2017, 11:09 PM

    @Kerry Blake: Thanks Kerry, I appreciate your reply but i’m not really a “people person” anymore and i don’t actually believe that the help originates anywhere else but from within. My inclinations are very much rooted in the reality of my life & my understanding that there will be no conclusion other then what i expect. If that changes, i’ll let everybody know but i have no doubt that it won’t.

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 10th 2017, 11:13 PM

    @Alison Maguire: Thanks Alison, i appreciate that but i have to admit, i keep going from one day to the next because it would destroy another person’s ability to be happy if i did otherwise. Today is the first day that it really occurred to me that i won’t always have that obligation & i have nothing else restraining my actions.

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    Mute Catherine Sims
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    May 10th 2017, 11:29 PM

    @The Unknown Souldier: I agree about talking to loved ones. Often they aren’t able to cope as they aren’t professionals. You can get professional help. Look out for mymind counselling . The do reduced cost counselling. There’s always your GP but don’t expect answers from him or her. Ask to be referred on to a psychiatrist. You can get a lot of help . There are things like WRAP and CBT that may help. Look at the webpages for Shine aware and grow . There are helplines for all those charities and there is always the smaritans. There may be local support groups too. If you aren’t able to do the work yourself ring just one helpline and they will give you all the info on support available in your area. For right now start a journal and note your moods and what triggered bad feelings and what makes you feel anyway good.Get to know and understand yourself and you will discover even little god things can have a big impact. Hang on . There’s better days ahead for you!!!! This isn’t all their is. You deserve to be happy

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    Mute Michael Orr
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    May 10th 2017, 11:31 PM

    @The Unknown Souldier:

    I found this incredibly helpful

    http://www.thriveprogramme.org

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 11th 2017, 12:02 AM

    @Catherine Sims: Thanks for that Catherine, i don’t disagree in general but “personally speaking”, i don’t actually want to speak to anyone about it in person. I genuinely don’t see the point but i will check out the services you recommended. I did look into a couple already though and unfortunately i didn’t find them applicable. I’m completely isolated from my local community and the trigger / reward journal ended up being “wake up / sleep”. compounded by the conscious understanding that nothing has changed or is likely to. At the risk of sounding egotistical, i’m quite self aware, i practice mindfulness to the best of my ability and isolation is certainly enlightening to the individual about the self. I do get what you’re saying and appreciate your taking the time to say it but the main trigger mechanism for me is that i realise that this really is all there is. So i just move from one day to the next with the understanding that one day, i just won’t have to anymore. I don’t disagree that i do from time to time, deserve to be happy like everyone else, it just doesn’t seem to be a feature of my daily life so i just continue without it & try to smile or laugh when i can.

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 11th 2017, 12:07 AM

    @Michael Orr: Thanks for that Michael, i’ll check it out.

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    Mute Trevor Connolly
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    May 11th 2017, 4:49 AM

    @The Unknown Souldier: ok, I think a lot of this is a serious condition, but I also think you should you should know that there is a life of contentment out there for you. I suggest a GP and counselling , you have every right to let yourself if the hook. There are probably mind tricks going on causing fear and anxiety etc. Don’t go it alone, you WILL improve with the right support

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    Mute The Unknown Souldier
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    May 11th 2017, 4:41 PM

    @Trevor Connolly: Thank you for your reply Trevor & i’m sure you’re correct in that it is a serious condition but it’s one i think a lot of people suffer from without acknowledging the futility of their lives, i just seem to be aware of it. I think my problem with counseling stems from the fact that i don’t believe in the false narrative aspect of it’s application to some degree, the issues that are encouraging my inclinations are very real & unaffected by me, they always have been & always will be. Put simply, deprivation causes isolation, isolation restricts fulfillment and fulfillment is a key motivating factor for living. I don’t think this process effects just me, the vast majority of our country, our continent and our world in general exists this way, i just have very little to distract myself from it. I don’t expect to ever win the game so to speak but i don’t see any point in trying to if i don’t even enjoy playing it. We’re just mice in a maze for the most part & i’m just wondering where the exit is. Sorry if that sounds defeatist but reading the article, it struck me how many fails there are for each passing grade achieved by people like the author. If life is a test, i don’t think i understand the question and at this stage, i don’t think care about the answer.

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    Mute Anne Warren
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    May 11th 2017, 7:47 PM

    @The Unknown Souldier:” i just have very little to distract myself from it”.

    maybe you should just ignore “it” and do only things that you like doing – walking, reading, music,woodwork – whatever!!
    At least you will be able to say to yourself in all honesty “I enjoyed those 5 or 30 mins and maybe you can stretch them out to a morning or afternoon!

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    Mute Anthony Gallagher
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    May 10th 2017, 9:45 PM

    I am reminded of a quote i picked up somewhere ,dont live in the past it causes depression ,dont live in the future it causes anxiety .live in the present ,good advice for all of us .thank you for sharing neil

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    Mute Jack Cassady
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    May 10th 2017, 9:02 PM

    Thanks for sharing. Important and insightful article.
    Us men we struggle on manfully, demonstrating heroic mental fortitude in the process then discover there was no need for such a stoical approach in the first instance.
    This is the importance of your message – opening up and sharing is the key.
    Exposing vulnerability is still one of the toughest things a man can do.
    Thanks again.

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    Mute Celtic Spirit
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    May 10th 2017, 10:02 PM

    Well done for having the courage to share your experience. That’s not easy. I speak as someone that has been there. For the last 20 years since the age of 17 I have suffering. I spent years on and off medication. They helped short term to alleviate the problem. My GP that knows me since I was a baby was excellent. Eventually after years he decided against medication and suggested I go for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I had studied psychology and was familiar with the treatment. It worked wonders and while I do get the odd few episodes a few times a year, I can easily manage it. The CBT worked wonders for me thankfully.

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    Mute Stephen
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    May 10th 2017, 9:20 PM

    Anxiety and depression, come as a horrible package, and I wouldn’t wish either of them on my worst enemy.

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    Mute Margaret Hennessy
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    May 10th 2017, 10:05 PM

    Your strength of charachter shines here. Take care, Margaret

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    Mute John O'Driscoll
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    May 10th 2017, 11:16 PM

    Bravely said. Well done. Hope more take heart.

    Nothing to do with the present author or his situation above but wonder how excessive and unjust criticism received in early life sets one up for negative feelings about the self later on that in extremis can cause feelings of worthlessness to overwhelm with one tragic results.

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    Mute DaveSh
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    May 10th 2017, 11:17 PM

    such a good analogy for explaining adult anxiety.. like a child panicking for its ‘mom’ (ma, mam, mammy etc.)

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    Mute Randy Fisher
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    May 11th 2017, 4:10 AM

    I been depressed for 10 years since my divorce and my dad dying

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    Mute Michael Orr
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    May 10th 2017, 11:26 PM
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    Mute Dave Allman
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    May 11th 2017, 1:30 PM

    Powerful words mister! I hope in doing this you can come to appreciate yourself as I know others will when you go out on a limb to help like this!

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    Mute Michael Orr
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    May 10th 2017, 11:29 PM
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