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IT WAS A Wednesday. I was working early and when I finished I went to Boots and picked up two pregnancy tests.
I honestly didn’t think I was pregnant, but wanted to put my mind at ease. I remember seeing the two lines show up and I burst into tears. This couldn’t be happening. I had just handed in my notice in work and I was leaving in a month’s time to work in Spain for the summer. I took another one. Positive. I was pregnant.
I told the father
He and I were not together. In fact he was my ex and us getting together shouldn’t have happened in the first place. He freaked out telling me I couldn’t keep it, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I cried every day, with absolutely no support from him.
The minute I shared my confusion with him he lost it. He said some very nasty and unimaginable things that left me feeling even more alone and scared.
I constantly tried to imagine life with a baby. Of course I would love it unconditionally, but I was 22, without a full-time job, and no means to provide for a child. The father had made it clear that I would be on my own.
So many mothers and fathers do a fantastic job as young single parents, but that’s not the life I wanted for me or my child. My mother was 16 when I was born and although my father didn’t have any input in my life, she had a lot of support from my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles.
Now my grandparents are separated and both are very sick. My mother lives abroad and none of my family would have the means to support me financially. I didn’t want to be a single mother on benefits, struggling all the time and giving up my freedom. That might sound selfish but I had plans. I wanted to go back to college and get my degree. I wanted to establish myself, travel and live more before I settled and had kids.
False stories online
I researched everything thoroughly. There are some pretty nasty things on the internet, including a lot of false statistics and promises of how you will always regret your abortion, and live your life forever paying for your “sin”.
Lucky for me, I don’t care what God thinks of me. I won’t even get into the irony and hypocrisy of this sort of propaganda from the Catholic church, considering all that’s come to light in the past few years. One thing I will mention is that I know a woman who had a stillbirth in the late 1970s, who wasn’t allowed to have a ceremony or have her child buried in a graveyard, because the baby had not been christened. Where is the humanity in that?
As well as all the horror stories there were also a lot of amazing stories told by real women who believed it was their choice. It was the hardest and most painful decision I have or will ever have to make, and it was not made lightly or carelessly. It was well thought out and well researched.
Travelling to England
I made an appointment in Liverpool (the earliest appointment they had). They were the longest two weeks of my life. Although I knew what I felt was right deep down, I still felt mixed emotions about it. It’s instilled in us to believe that abortion is wrong, that it is murder.
The clinic was surprisingly very pretty on the outside, and in a quiet neighbourhood. I could hear birds singing and see blossoms falling from the trees outside and I suddenly felt relaxed.
The staff were all very nice and there were lots of other girls in the waiting room. No one looked at each other and I wondered why, after all we were there for the same reason. I sat down and breathed for what felt like the first time in 3 weeks. I knew that I had made the right decision and this was what I wanted. I didn’t feel scared anymore. I felt like I was taking control of my life and making the most responsible decision I had ever made.
It was my body, my future
I felt brave and strong, almost empowered at the fact that I had done this myself for myself. Not for my ex, not for anyone else. It was my body, my future, my decision.
I took the tablets, one orally and four I had to insert into my vagina myself. I was then sent home with a bag of painkillers, a pregnancy test, condoms and lots of leaflets. They were very informative and non-judgmental while also making sure that I was 100% sure of my decision.
The cramps started about an hour after. They progressively became worse and the blood started. I’m not going to lie. It was pretty grim and the pain was absolutely excruciating for me. I had constant vomiting and diarrhoea for nearly 3 hours. I was shaking from the pain and I remember thinking it was never going to be over.
I didn’t feel regret
What I didn’t feel at any stage was regret. I don’t know why the pain was so intense. I know that for most women it’s just like bad period cramps. Perhaps it was a psychological thing, because I had worked myself up so much the previous few weeks.
All I know is I would have preferred to be at home and in my own bed than in a strange city, lying on a hotel bed, feeling vulnerable.
I don’t feel like a “baby murderer” and I do not feel like a bad person. I made a very hard decision at a time in my life when nothing is certain.
It is so easy for men and women who have not been through this to spew words of hatred at women who have terminations. But what is ever said to men who walk away from their children? To women who have children and don’t care for them properly? To women who have children and walk away?
Yes, I want to be a mother
I am a child of a father who walked away, of a mother who was too young to have a child and probably resented me a bit because of it. Yes, I want to be a mother, and I will love my children unconditionally. But I want to give them a good quality of life. I want them to look up to me and be proud of me.
I don’t want to spend my life struggling to provide for a child, explaining why their dad isn’t around. I don’t want to be eternally attached to someone I do not love and who does not love me or even care much for me.
I feel brave. I feel strong. I feel like a woman and for the first time I feel like a responsible adult who made a very painful decision for all the right reasons. I am not a criminal, nor should I be made feel like one. No one has the right to have an opinion on your body or the choices you make with your life, especially people who have no idea what it’s like to be faced with a crisis pregnancy. I won’t be shamed into silence.
The author of this article has requested to remain anonymous.
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The Wolfe Tones should Headline it ,, that’s if
Roderic O’Gorman’s tent tenants have moved on
@Trent: thanks for highlighting the importance of teaching accurate history so that new generations know the truth about Provo criminal thugs.
@Oisin CK: I said “Ooh, ahh, up the R@”
@Trent: I’ve been going to the picnic since it started and have always enjoyed the atmosphere as it takes you away from life for a few days. The thought of hearing thousands of naive teenagers singing IRA chants at the main stage would fill me with dread. Keep politics out of the picnic and let those of us who just want to enjoy music, enjoy music. The Wolfe Tones are playing the 3 arena so you can go and shout your IRA chants there. It’s cringeworthy for so many of us who actually lived through the troubles and witnessed what the IRA did to so many innocent people.
@Oisin CK: I’m starting to think you’re actually Ryan,
Just a funny feeling I have…
Cant tell why.
@Declan Doherty: lived through the troubles that’s laughable ,, so other than yourself and your imaginary friends no one else lived through the troubles i was born in 68 so saw a lot of what went on growing up ,, And if the Wolfe Tones play next year which they definitely will maybe you should stay home and listen to Daniel O Donnell
@Trent: If you were born in 68 you were too young to comprehend the horror and terror of 69-73.
@Sean O’Dhubhghaill: As Johnny Logan the legend once sang “What’s another Year ” get over yourself jaysus
@Sean O’Dhubhghaill: I’d trust Trent on what he remembers or doesn’t more than you, with all due repsect.
@Dave Murray: Thanks Dave ,, l think ;}
@Trent: Amen to that. Fantastic band
@Declan Doherty: Well said, Declan
285 Euro per ticket and sold out… Don’t come here complaining about the cost of anything in Ireland…
@Anonymous User: thats if they get the license approved…… stradbally is no different than croker and if the residents can stop good old gart brooks they stradbally residents can stop electric picnic…… for 19 years its been aloud run on the September date because it was end of summer and didn’t disturb the working community of laois too much……but this was rammed in without consultation….so lets see if the licence is approved
@Anonymous User: In fairness, we don’t have a demographic breakdown of those buying these tickets. In my experience, Electric Picnic attendees tend to be from pretty well-off backgrounds, and there’s an abundance of South Dublin twenty-somethings paying with mummy & daddy’s money. Also, people paying on credit, loans, etc.
@and the hit’s just keep coming:
No chance a small community like stradbally are going to do anything to risk the annual windfall that is EP.
@Anonymous User: That’s over €20m!
@Anonymous User: Cost of living crisis =/= no one can afford to do anything fun ever.
If everyone in the country was going you might have a point. Things have gotten more expensive but people can still put money aside for things, some people are doing just fine, there’s been an instalment plan for years which is very easily done. As someone else said people getting loans etc. Personal opinion on people using credit is irrelevant, the fact remains it’s a moot point. It’s like saying the cost of living increase isn’t real because people still go on holidays or buy clothes.
Only government-approved song lyrics at next year’s festival, please.
Most bought so they can resale next year for profit
@Gavin Kelly: Yes. Niall Collins’ wife & co. got first dibs.
Coldplay are definitely the marmite of bands. Personally, they make me want to drink whiskey and cry.
@Louis Jacob: Try mixing your your Whiskey with Marmite you’ll be crying out of every Orpheus
@Trent: what’s the sandman got to do with whiskey?
Your money in Ticketmaster’s bank for a year, Wow
@RIP: And without even knowing the line up yet. There should be a way to postdate a future payment when it’s all been confirmed.
Cost of Living Crisis?
Don’t think so.
@Michael Power: In fairness, we don’t have a demographic breakdown of those buying these tickets. In my experience, Electric Picnic attendees tend to be from pretty well-off backgrounds, and there’s an abundance of South Dublin twenty-somethings paying with mummy & daddy’s money. Also, people paying on credit, loans, etc.
@Michael Power: the vast majority of people are doing well thanks to the parties we have in Govt
@Michael Power: Cost of living crisis =/= no one can afford to do anything fun ever.
If everyone in the country was going you might have a point. Things have gotten more expensive but people can still put money aside for things, some people are doing just fine, there’s been an instalment plan for years which is very easily done. As someone else said people getting loans etc. Personal opinion on people using credit is irrelevant, the fact remains it’s a moot point. It’s like saying the cost of living increase isn’t real because people still go on holidays or buy clothes.
Well well … Ireland is very wealthy place indeed
I’ll sneak in again so
“Next year’s” is correct. It’s the festival taking place next year i.e. it belongs to next year. “Next years” implies all future years ahead, which is not the case here.
@Sean Ryan: True enough, although I’d argue for a more meaningful sentence than the “lot’s farm machinery” in the middle of the article.
@F Fitzgerald: lol. Who hires these people. They can’t even rip off a source properly.
Are they gonna invite The Napper Tandys back again ?
@Frank MacNamara: napper tandys pub on the main street in stradbally is available
Proof reader needed, get rid of that butcher’s apostrophe out of the headline.
I always called it a grocer’s apostrophe.
@: Now, now – it’s insensitive to point out a veteran journalist’s poor spelling and sloppy punctuation.
@: It’s correct. Possessive: the festival of next year.
@Megan Ward: They made a correction – the original headline was, “All Ticket’s For Next Year’s Festival…”
@Antóin Ó Cumamothóin: Ah, fair enough! I only saw people arguing that the ‘Year’s’ was incorrect but they’re gone now
Ever since Oxegen ended our beloved Electric Picnic has been taken over by feral, naive teenagers, and soon I dread it will be just another Longitude where you’re old if you’re over 18. As for the Wolfe Tones, personally I can’t stand them, but young people have a very short attention span, so I’m sure they’ll have moved on to something else by next August should EP be stupid enough to give them a slot on the main stage.
Ffs. Years not year’s.
The standard of literacy nowadays is appalling.
@lWOk0fWf: Year’s is correct.
@lWOk0fWf: In the meaning of this headline, ‘year’s’ is correct.
@lWOk0fWf: It literally means next year. (The headline is using the possessive case.)
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