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HAVING A PSYCHOTIC illness has impacted every single part of my life in some way or another.
Although more children are now being diagnosed with and treated for schizophrenia, it is considered to be rare in childhood. When I was a child, it was pretty much unheard of.
Explaining that I hear voices in my head and live in a state of constant paranoia is hard enough as an adult, but as a child it was too much for me to even understand myself. So, I lived through a very dark and disturbing time alone.
I wasn’t diagnosed until my twenties
I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, everything from hallucinations, delusions, manic episodes, to anxiety, self-harm and obsessive-compulsive thoughts.
I was finally treated for psychosis in my early twenties and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I remember asking a doctor if she could make me “normal” like all the other girls my age. I thought my life was over. I would never have the future I had imagined.
There was not some magic wand that could “fix” everything, and the prospect of having a long-term, incurable illness felt like a punishment. I had already lived nearly my entire life with psychosis thinking there would be an end to it. Finding out that this was a permanent, irreversible thing is what got to me the most.
It’s easy to get caught up with the stigma that surrounds schizophrenia. The word psychotic is constantly misused in everyday conversation, people use it to describe a person’s behaviour that they don’t approve of. Experiencing hallucinations, delusions or disorganised thinking is psychotic — psychosis is a serious illness, it is not an insult.
Movies promote stereotypes
Movies and TV programmes are continuously promoting negative stereotypes and myths associated with schizophrenia. It is a lot harder to speak up and get help for a condition which carries the weight of such strong misconceptions.
Every time schizophrenia is used for sensationalism, it sets us back. A lot of people, myself included, go on to lead normal, successful lives. Schizophrenia may be a long-term illness, but that does not mean it is unmanageable or untreatable.
Stigma has delayed my recovery many times. I am OK with having a psychotic illness, but sometimes other people’s ignorance can change that. Every time I experience stigma, it takes away a little bit of the resilience and self-acceptance I have worked so hard to build up. Every time I see my mental health problem used in the media as an explanation for a person’s crime or wrongdoing, it can bring on feelings of shame.
I feel the need to justify my illness to those who tar us all with the same brush based on negative stereotypes.
I’ve fully accepted and made peace with my diagnosis
At this point of my life I can honestly say that I have fully accepted and made peace with having schizophrenia. I even embrace it. I realised that all I was doing before was wishing my life away and putting myself in an angry, miserable place. I was self-stigmatising in a sense. I think everyone who is diagnosed with any kind of long-term illness, whether it be mental or physical, goes through a sort of grieving process for what might have been.
I eventually realised there is one thing schizophrenia cannot take away from me — who I am as a person. My illness does not define me. My own personality is far too important to be overshadowed. No matter how tough things get, I always try to keep my sense humour.
I am my own person first and foremost, psychosis is just one tiny part of all the experiences and life lessons that have made me into who I am now. I continue to experience psychotic symptoms every day, but having them for such a long time means I have actually gotten somewhat used to them.
That’s not to say things have been easy, it’s been a really rough journey, full of ups and downs. Every time I think I’m getting to a place of being content and happy, something always knocks me back. This, I’m afraid, is just how life goes. It is not always fair. I have to constantly manage my condition and be aware of the signs of relapse, which is something I have experienced many times now.
*Nicola is a mental health ambassador and blog author www.prettysane.com.
#StillJustMe is an anti-stigma campaign launched in 2017 by Walk in My Shoes, the education and awareness initiative of St Patrick’s Mental Health Services. Through a series of short films and blog articles written by mental health experts and those with lived experience, #StillJustMe aims to shine a spotlight on some of the most poorly understood and stigmatised mental health difficulties, including: eating disorders, depression, schizophrenia and psychosis, and addiction.
Visit www.walkinmyshoes.ie/still-just-me to view the full campaign. For mental health support and information, please call 01 249 3333, email info@stpatsmail.com or visit www.stpatricks.ie.
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Best of luck Nicola in your journey. Respect!
mental health problems seem to be the explanation for all issues facing people today.
While most are real, some use it as an excuse.
@P C: Well it’s great to read you have never suffered from mental health issues P C unlike a lot of people in Ireland…..
@Kerry Blake: well in fairness when you hear people using adhd or depression as a defence for premeditated rape as was seen in a case this year you have to ask questions. I don’t think he’s belittling the conditions, rather the way some people abuse them to justify/cover for their own actions. It creates a toxic environment discouraging people from talking openly because people will associate them with criminality and violence because somebody tried to hide behind having the same condition as them.
@Brendan Gordon: that’s exactly what he meant ..
I was watching the news with my 11yr old daughter. The news story was about a man that had murdered his neighbour, the guys defence was he suffered with depression. I was lucky my daughter happened to be with me and not watching the TV alone. I had to explain to my daughter that there was all types of depression. I can only imagine what would have been going trough her mind if I hadn’t explained.
‘I hate mental health being used in the media as an explanation for crime’ Could not agree more and you are not alone: http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/german-terror-attacks-mental-illness-religion-isis-terrorism-scapegoats-a7155366.html
How many ISIS terrorists have been found to suffer from mental health issues recently?
I totally agree. I live with depression and anxiety. I’m in my 40′s and have recently been told I have both avoidant and boderline personality disorder. For me it explains a lot but the public portrait of these things has definitely made it a difficult diagnosis to accept. Yet #IAmStillMe
Isolation – Serious help is needed. There are limited services for many living in rural Ireland. With no personal or rural public transport, life can be very hard. Simple things like keeping a medical appointment can be virtually impossible because of taxi costs. Not everyone has a kind family member or friend to drive them to their destination. Rural dwellers are not looking for a free transport service; they don’t mind paying for a reasonable and dependable service. Getting out and about even once a week would help so many.
Well done.. Yes you’re right our mental health problems should not define use..we have to learn how to live with it, learn out to manage our every day lives with mental health as part of it..coping skills is a very important part !!
Good woman Nic! Xxx
—-Column: ‘I hate mental health being used in the media as an explanation for crime’
“An excuse for crime?”
I fail to see that it is.
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