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AT A TIME when women are asking to be believed when they disclose sexual harassment, rape and abuse, we hear from a woman who did speak up – and wasn’t believed. While her identity is known to TheJournal.ie, it is withheld here for legal reasons.
She recalls her journey through Ireland’s justice system as an alleged child sexual abuse victim – from braving the Garda station to realising ‘not guilty does not mean innocent’.
My testimony was just of lifted nightdresses under musty duvet covers. My words described how in a small house with thin walls, I learned to stay quiet while he put his fingers inside me.
I learned, as a three- or four-year-old, how to masturbate someone years older than I was. As I got older, my head was pushed downwards to perform oral sex and I was eventually penetrated by his penis.
I also learned how to zone out until it was all over, to pretend I was asleep in the hope he would decide not to wake me. And I let it happen. I did what I was told. I didn’t scream or tell anyone. I just let it happen.
I felt guilty
People noticed I didn’t like him sometimes, but I tried to hide my feeling of disgust towards him and turned them in towards myself. I felt ashamed, guilty, angry at myself. I had let it happen, after all.
I didn’t run down to the Garda station one day. I disclosed what happened to my sister many times. I sent a message to my other brothers to warn them not to leave their children alone with him. There were family meetings, where it was decided to keep it within the family. My sister said they would deal with it and I trusted her.
I don’t know why my siblings were so against telling anyone outside the family. Maybe they were fearful of a scandal affecting their careers, of their reputations being ruined. Maybe they were so ashamed that their brother raped their little sister that they didn’t want anyone to know.
My siblings haven’t spoken to me since
When I heard that he was volunteering with children, I knew I had to do something myself and it was then I went to the Gardaí.
My brother was arrested and my siblings have not spoken to me since.
I was told that the DPP were careful about taking cases of historical sexual abuse, because they are notoriously hard to prove. Against the odds, we were given a date for court.
The actual process of going to court was horrific. Every ugly detail and minor indiscretion was used to discredit me. My dysfunctional family dynamic, drunken nights out, text messages and WhatsApps, school and medical records, counselling notes, the family photo album was paraded in front of 12 strangers. It is an ugly, ugly fight.
I had to tell a room full of strangers, with my own father scowling at me, my deepest, grossest secrets. Disgusting details I had tried to forget, that kept haunting me.
“I let it happen”
“Did I consent to this?”
“I was just a little girl, but yes, I let it happen.” I just felt empty, exposed and raw.
When the judge summed up all the evidence. There was no DNA, no CCTV, no witnesses for these unspeakable acts. He instructed them to deliberate. They did so; they returned a verdict of not guilty.
I was stunned because I am so sure of his guilt. I thought the truth would mean justice. It was unfair. It was unjust. It was wrong.
Justice is not always served
I’ve learned so much from this whole ordeal. I am almost proud of myself. I’ve learned that justice is not always served. I’ve learned that the bad guys sometimes win. I’ve learned that not guilty does not mean innocent.
But the most the most important thing I’ve learned that you must talk about it to be able to heal. My biggest fear for over 20 years was that someone would find out what happened; now, I’ve learned that the more I speak about it, the lighter I feel. The shame and guilt that burdened me for as long as I can remember is now off my shoulders. I have done everything in my power to protect any other potential victim.
So if anyone is burdened with something similar, just tell someone. If they don’t listen, tell someone else. And if they don’t listen, tell someone else. Keep telling someone until you are heard.
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A remarkable story of bravery in the face of adversity. The author should be rightly proud that she had the courage to come forward.
No one would expect a tiny child to tell, yet you did so to your sister and family which was very brave and then to prevent him volunteering with other children has likely saved many others the same trauma. Words are not enough.
Well done to this woman, it must be impossibly hard to know you are telling the truth and be abandoned by your family. Sadly her family probably won’t believe it until he offends again. Well done to her, this case will hopefully encourage others to come forward !
The shame and guilt should be all his. What a courageous woman you are. I hope you can continue to heal knowing you have been the person you needed when you were young and in doing so spared other children from what you went through.
You should be very proud of yourself, you are a very courageous young lady, hold your head high, the shame and guilt are now not your burden to bear.
One horror of this terrible story is the desire within families to keep abuse quiet and say nothing. As if somehow burying heads in the sand will make it go away – that doesn’t work for cancer and it doesn’t work for sexual abusers.
Sexual predators are born that way, it’s a sexual dysfunction, it’s part of who they are, and they will stay that way their whole lives from when they are 10 years old until they are 90 years old. If an opprtunity arises at any point in their long lives, be that with siblings as a child, with their own children, or with grand children as a adult, they will take that opportunity to abuse because it’s their nature to do so. Believe anything else, or giving them a second chance, is fantasy at best and more likely criminal.
It’s vital that families recognise an abuser for what they are and stand up to them. Otherwise, without a shadow of a doubt anothing child will become a victim.
@Northern Craic: that is absolute and utter rubbish. Most abuse of children is opportunistic as a result of reduced inhibitions due to alcohol or other substance misuse or various manifestations of poverty (overcrowding etc). Yes there are a small number of persons who prey on children and young adults, but in most cases sexual abuse of minors (or indeed vulnerable adults) is opportunistic by individuals who probably wouldn’t be any risk if their circumstances were even slightly altered.
It is a nice cozy fallacy to imagine that sexual abuse involving children is something confined to persons who are committed pedophiles but the reality is that it could happen in all sorts of situations with all sorts of people. Abuse is opportunistic as any other ‘liberty’ that people choose to take.
@Northern Craic: people are not born abusers. Most people who abuse children are not actually pedophiles. Yes of course there are some, but most empirical evidence in the area points to opportunism and issues with addiction being the primary motivator.
@Northern Craic: well said i could’nt agree more.
@Bernard Cantillon: No Bernard, you are completely 100% incorrect. In fact your logic is the one of the main reasons why paedophiles get away with their abuse within families.
Statements like: I was just drunk.. it was a one off incident.. that’s not something I would ever do.. I wasn’t thinking straight.. etc. etc. Those are the sort of excuses that paedophiles use to diminish their crimes and convince others, especially other family members that they aren’t so bad, and it gets brushed under the carpet as “a one off inexplicable aberation that will never happen again”.
Any attempt to suggest that someone would abuse a child simply because they have the opportunity to do so, or they are poor, or on drugs, is perverse.
Have you ever had sexual feelings towards a pet dog or cat? Is there any circumstances that you might suddenly find yourself sexually attracted to a dog or cat and go on to have sex with it because it can’t stop you? Normal functioning humans are NEVER sexually attracted to animals or children.
Anyone who is sexually attracted by a child under any circumstance is a paedophile. There’s no alternative statement to that one.
@Northern Craic: You are wrong and Bernard is correct. Yours is an opinion but what Bernard states is backed up by evidence. I don’t know if people are born with a sexual preference towards kids. My guess is that they are not, and that it’s a result of some sort of sexual trauma in their own lives, usually but not always as a result of being abused themselves. I have met a lot of men who have sexually abused someone through my employment, and I’ve not met one who felt they were born that way. I am not defending them. They deserve to be locked away. But to prevent abuse we need to recognise the cause of it, and the vast majority of the time it’s not dirt pedophiles hanging around parks or social clubs. It’s family members.
@Ger: But this lady is very brave telling her story. I hope she is able to get some closure through speaking about it and counseling it that the courts didn’t give her.
@Ger: Yes it is family members and those family members are paedophiles.
Paedophiles are not just ‘dirty pedophiles hanging around parks or social clubs’. It is the mistaken belief that paedophiles are the strangers, the weirdos, the dirt bags in society, that allows paedophiles in families to get away with their abuse. Your belief is exactly the reason why priests were able to abuse children for so long without question… sure priests can’t be paedophiles?
Whether someone was sexually abused themselves, or they have a drug addiction, or any other reason, the only criteria for being a paedophile is if they get sexually aroused by children. When abuse happens, the abuser need to be aroused to have sex, no matter what their previous circumstances are.
If a person is sexually attacted to children then they are a paedophile, that’s it.
@Northern Craic: you’re still wrong. First of all, pedophiles are adults who are only attracted to prepubescent kids. Many men who sexually abuse kids within their family wouldn’t have families of their own if they were pedophiles. Many of them are one time offenders. The fact that you think a man needs to be aroused to abuse someone shows how little you actually know about sexual abuse. By that logic if a man doesn’t have an erection when he touches someone it’s not abuse?? My advice is do a little research into sexual offences here in Ireland. The information is readily available. That way you will be speaking from experience, using facts, instead of using your opinion. Which is only that, your opinion. If you think only pedophiles abuse kids you are gravely mistaken.
@Ger: ‘paedophiles are adults who are only attracted to prepubescent kids’ – you would be correct…
@Ger: I can’t agree with you on this Ger.
A person who abuses a child, even once, is a paedophile.
@Northern Craic: I work in forensic psychiatry and your insight is incredible and true there is no cure
@Bernard Cantillon: does that excuse them? Whatever the cause a child was abused, that child does not need to know or understand the reason why, there are no good enough reasons, abuse is abuse and the consequences are traumatic. Families covering up the abuse are aberrations …
So brave to tell your story. How hard it must have been to tell it, repeatedly, without being heard. And how hard it must be speaking about it when your family want you to stay quiet. Such a brave woman. This story is empowering. And a hat tip to the gardai that did listen. That allowed you tell your story and be heard. Keep speaking out. Keep your head held high. And stay empowered.
Brave soul. Shame is all the rest of your family’s for turning away from you. My heart aches for you. Xx
This bravery will empower others to fight and expose abusers. Keeping it “in the family” is what enabled the horrors that happened in Catholic and sports organizations to go on.
What a harrowing story and situation. It is awful You have had to endure this. Your family are beneath you. We believe you. X
…. You can never be the. Woman, you were supposed to be. Every thought! & decision , every conversation! Will have been tainted! Or measured .. by your terrifying night times.. as a child .. and older.
I hope you continue to get strong , and your life is beginning to blossom
Well done for telling your story. You should be very proud of yourself. You’ve lived through an horrific experience, but it’s so important to share it. Your bravery will help to protect other people.
That poor girl, but this isn’t as uncommon add it should be unfortunately.
It’s easy to be against something until you’re confronted with it on your own doorstep,then you see people’s mettle.
Sometimes the unthinkable has to be believed.
You are so brave and so wise. I wish you happiness and peace of mind in your future x
Courageous lady. Her family have to look at themselves!
Truly awful, poor crater:(
I am so very sorry you had to go through all of that, it’s a powerful story. While I get ( to a certain extent ) that when there is little evidence or “your word against there’s” / “she said / he said” that it’s difficult for a judge / jury to reach a verdict, however I do really feel in situations where Sexual Abuse, especially when children are involved, that there should be an element of “guilty until proven innocent” towards the perpetrator and that the victim should gain favoritism within the jury automatically. Legally none of what I just said makes sense I’d say but, still, one can hope.
@Rob Hopkins: the bother was likely a child too
@Rob Hopkins: I disagree completely.
Obviously what this woman experienced as a child is horrific, but to presume someone’s guilt fundamentally undermines the foundations upon which our justice system is built.
You will hardly need reminding that our government is on the verge of collapse because of a case involving an effort to smear a man with an accusation of paedophilia. Unfortunately, innocent until proven guilty does mean that guilty people escape justice sometimes, but without that protection, then any one of us would be vulnerable to being imprisoned for something we didn’t do.
What age was the brother?
@Murr Paul: it doesn’t matter in the slightest
@Murr Paul: why do you ask? “I learned, as a three- or four-year-old, how to masturbate someone years older than I was.” but even if he was the same age, getting another child to do this, let alone your sister, is disturbing.
Did i consent is not a suitable question for a person abused as a child
Be proud of your bravery and resillience. You did the right thing and I hope you live a good life and those that stood against you know no peace for what they put you through.
How is it even possible for the jury to decide that a little girl wasn’t abused years ago. (!!!!!) I’m shocked.
The world is so unjust !! You have obviously grown from that abused little girl into a strong warrior woman as you are alive and able to share your story to help others. You are not a victim you are a survivor and if there is any justice in the world you will be or are presently being vindicated for the control and abuse you have suffered. Greatest admiration for you.
Commenting on your post is really special because you have really helped me a lot. Before reading your write-up I have also read other stuff online in vain. I am satisfied with the things that you have mentioned and I am surely going to remember them for long. I’ll also make use of some things practically in my life, if possible for me. But, I am not assuring about that.
Thanks,
http://www.sonalsen.com
I wish you every kindness and healing that life has to offer. I hope many are in some way encouraged or comforted by your powerful statement.
Your abusers trial while unsuccessful forced him to listen to all of the disclosures you spoke of, and believe me I have no doubt it had to be horrible for him which he deserved, and while not a custodial sentence, you made him face reality. The downside is that we put our faith in our governmental institutions and we are let down because of a lack of evidence – that was probably the most demeaning thing you had to face particularly after making your story public, in order to protect other children . So while your abuser has no criminal record, I doubt he would apply to work with children now- and you must console and satisfy yourself you did the best thing ever, by disclosing the abuse to you well done. I hope life is good to you now.
G
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