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MANY OF US have experienced that awful awkward moment when we find out a friend or colleague has been bereaved and we wonder, what will I say?
Bereavement comes in many different forms – it can be the breakup of a relationship or marriage, the diagnosis of a terminal illness, a death which is expected, but nonetheless devastating, or the sudden death of a friend through a road traffic accident or a suicide.
No matter what the loss is, we can find ourselves struggling around how to support the person who is bereaved.
If we take a couple of examples; Jean is a manager in a large organisation – she has just found out that a colleague’s mother died unexpectedly over the weekend. What will she say to her colleague? Ciaran’s friend’s father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer – what does he say to his friend?
The good news is that there are a number of things that we can do that can make a difference. First of all, acknowledge what has happened.
When someone has experienced a loss that is significant for them, the first thing that really makes a difference is when those around them acknowledge what has happened and don’t avoid the topic. This can be done sensitively by saying something like in Jean’s case “I’m sorry to hear about your mother” or for Ciaran “I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis”. It is normal to feel a bit uncomfortable or uneasy when we say this but don’t let that stop you from reaching out to the other person.
Listen to the person who is bereaved
This may sound strange but what really makes a difference to someone who is bereaved is being truly listened to. We never know what the impact of a loss is on a person. Jean and Ciaran don’t know how their colleague and friends are, but one thing that will really help is simply making time for the other person and being prepared to listen to them.
In Jean’s case she might say “I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, how are you doing?” Ciaran might say something like “That is really tough about your dad’s diagnosis – how are you?”
Be yourself – Be human
When people are bereaved their world has stopped – whether that is from hearing a diagnosis or realising that someone who was an important part of their life is no longer there. What they need from us is human compassion – not quick fixes or answers – because there are none. Grief is a slow process.
What really makes a difference is being shown compassion and humanity by others. Just be yourself and express your care and compassion.
For Jean this might be, “This must be very tough for you, let me know how I might help you”. For Ciaran it might be something like “I’m not sure what to do but I would really like to support you, perhaps you can tell me how I might do this.”
We will all experience bereavement at some point in our lives – it is part of being human. This does not mean it is easy or something to be ignored. In fact the opposite is true – grief tears your world apart and it takes us time to come to terms with what has happened.
What really makes this difficult journey more bearable is when those around us acknowledge what has happened, listen to us, and show us compassion and care.
Breffni McGuinness is the training manager in bereavement services with The Irish Hospice Foundation. The IHF has developed a number of resources and tools on loss and bereavement, including grief at work.
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Good article Breffni
Having recently lost my Father, I can say that the support of friends has helped me. A handshake, a hug, as somebody offers their condolences all help to ease some of the pain. The calls, texts, messages from all over the World were a source of great solace too.
While offering condolences won’t make the deceased come back, they do support the grieving and make the loss just a tinier bit easier to bear, one hug, handshake, or message at a time.
Be bloody normal is all you have to be, you shouldn’t need expert advice…. People are so awkward these day. Incapable of holding conversations as they are too busy with head stuck in phones all day on social media, but when it comes to having a face to face conversation they are lost as they don’t have the real life social skills to do it. They’ll probably go onto the person’s Facebook page or email them their condolences.
@Alan Madden: not true in my case.
I found it difficult to speak to a colleague after the death of her father. This was before social media and smartphones.
I then made sure not to let it happen again and made an effort in similar situations since.
I also found huge support from people who asked how I was when my brother passed away suddenly. Both in person and through messages from friends on social media. Their support helped me a lot.
Great article.
@Alan Madden: Bereavement isn’t normal. It’s a good article. Did you forget that people are working abroad while bad news strikes at home? They can’t always afford to fly home either.
@Fiona Fitzgerald: not trying to lesson the subject but death or bereavement are normal. The one truth about life is our mortality.It hurts yes thats being human.And talking always helps.
@Alan Madden: Our phones only give us the excuse we always wanted not to have to talk to people. And we were always awkward talking to people who had a loss.anyway.
Empathise. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you’d feel. Act accordingly.
Spot on….
Once you lose someone close you to, it makes it easier to sympathise with others. Before that happens, it is uncomfortable and hard to know what to say.
It was really hard to lose both of my parents at ages 68 and 69. Much too young. But I feel much more able to “enter into” the grieving of others and ask appropriate questions and to just sit and listen to their stories about their loved one who has died. The people who did that for me taught me how to do it for others.
The usual comforters can be very unhelpful. Especially if you had mixed feelings. Not every death is tragic. So you could punch the air with a resounding “Yes!!!” or say, “another one bites the dust, three to go!!!” Or if you’re really not sure, you could mumble something like, “sorry for your trouble,” quickly followed by, “eh, sorry, but your da owed me £100…” What is not helpful is, “he/she is looking down at us,” “he/she is in a better place,” “it (death that is,) comes to all of us,” and worst of all, when viewing the laid out corpse, “doesn’t he/she look well/grand?” They’re not (at all) well. They’re dead. I remember being in a bad way when my old mum died. A friend spent a few days with me, painting and decorating, more than just sympathising. That was so therapeutic – practical.
When my dad died suddenly, I was at home waiting for my family to come back from the hospital as they had been called in urgently while I had to stay with my small children. I hadn’t yet been told he had died when a woman from the village arrived to the house with a Mass Card – I found it very difficult to forgive her. She had got a phone call from her daughter in the hospital telling her my dad had died and she got to
My house before my family. Awful!
Really good article, unfortunately it’s like the elephant in the room when we are in this position
Great article.
My wife passed away recently and there was a dinner function in a hotel for her. I was there but not sure whether to have stayed away as people coming up to me and shaking hands was very severe for me. I decided to leave and go home and grieve alone for my wife. This woman who was a very good friend of my wife came up to me as I was about to leave and told me that I was very stubborn. I wasn’t sure what to say but I continued on my way home. My son took me home. This affected me because the woman was very good to my wife and I appreciated her for this. I was never sure why she considered me to be stubborn but I would have preferred if that word had not been mentioned.
Just say. I’m sorry for your loss. It works in all situation and doesn’t have the religious element that can cause offense.
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