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Am I being a bad parent... by ignoring my toddler's refusal to share?

Sharing is caring, right? Two experts weigh in on a reader dilemma.

EACH WEEK, WE hear from a reader who can’t figure out what to do about a tricky parenting situation. To get a balanced take on the dilemma, we ask Irish parenting experts to weigh in.

From choosing whether to push toilet training to allowing a baby to ‘cry it out’, being a parent involves decision after decision – and a whole lot of questioning yourself.

This week, one parent is conflicted over how to address her daughter’s reluctance to share – and whether she’s being unreasonable by hoping the problem will solve itself.

Have a parenting dilemma you’re struggling with? Let us know anonymously here and we’ll share it with our panel of experts. 

This week’s dilemma

 My three-year-old daughter absolutely hates sharing. She used to be fine, but once she started preschool she hasn’t wanted to share anything. I think it’s because there are so many kids in there who grab/take toys from each other – so now she won’t share with any child. 

It’s really hard when we’re on a playdate because she’ll start screaming if a child takes her toy and since I’m having no success in getting her to share, I don’t see the point in fighting it. She calms down once she has it back, but I feel like I look like a bad mum for giving in. Am I being unreasonable by not addressing this? 

What the experts have to say…

You’re being a bit unreasonable. Not addressing this won’t necessarily make her life any easier, and is just temporarily avoiding the inevitable as it will at some point be a skill that will have to be supported. Sharing is something most children need support with at some point – it’s a totally normal concept to find difficult.

Not being able to share in the long run will essentially affect her relationships, especially in preschool as you won’t be there to assist or defend her. Social skills like this are best practiced at home through role play and in a natural setting. Initially, so she can be successful, use less preferred toys and activities to teach the expectation involved with the concept of sharing. When the expectation is clearer, she may be less confused and, in turn, less frustrated with sharing. Good luck.

 - Deirdre Holland Hannon, Behaviour Specialist at @deehollhan.

It’s unreasonable not to help your daughter with this. At your daughter’s age, sharing is not a natural skill. Children can be trained into the appearance of sharing via modelling and praise. For example, by saying “well done” when she shares and telling her she is being kind. You can share things yourself, and enable her to witness you doing that.

The other alternative is to manage the public exposure of the behaviour. For example, you can minimise the length of time of play dates or bring a special toy that you agree in advance won’t be shared. It’s also useful to talk about things before the play date and to maybe introduce the concrete concept of “turns”, rather than the abstract concept of “sharing”.

It might also be useful to ask yourself what your daughter is trying to communicate to you. Maybe starting playschool has made her feel differently about her sense of self and her sense of security? Maybe holding onto toys is the solution not the problem? As children grow older they do want to share more, so even if you do nothing, it will change!

- Krysia Lynch, Maternity Care Expert at Krysia.ie. 

So what’s the final tally? Is this reader being unreasonable?

Yes – 2

No – 0

Have a parenting question you want answered? Let us know anonymously in our survey here or email us on family@thejournal.ie and we’ll put it to the experts.

More: Am I being a bad parent… by not giving my only child a sibling?

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    Mute Noel O Mahony
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    Oct 4th 2017, 9:56 PM

    Id say if trump cured cancer people would still have something negative to say about him…give the man a break…

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    Mute Dermot Lane
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:02 PM

    @Noel O Mahony: what has he done to deserve a break?

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    Mute B9xiRspG
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:04 PM

    @Noel O Mahony: we would but then he wakes up and tweets something really stupid

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:16 PM

    @B9xiRspG: We get it jim , hes stupid , now can we look at why jeremy corbyn won’t denounce venezuela.

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:17 PM

    @Ladude: because he’s stupid?

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:19 PM

    @Dave O Keeffe: Corbyn is pretty smart , just like trump

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:41 PM

    @Ladude: ha, good one, I see what you did there. Anybody that claims victory while losing is not that bright. Anybody can promise students the world knowing he’ll never be in a position to even attempt to grant it to them

    12
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    Mute Joe Caulfield
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:02 PM

    Best President since Ronnie Regan.

    58
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    Mute Ollie Mac
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    Oct 5th 2017, 6:54 AM

    @Joe Caulfield: You should try to catch one of his bog rolls that he throws around..

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    Mute Brown Boots
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    Oct 4th 2017, 9:50 PM

    In fairness to old man Donald, he gets around fairly quick to all these disasters. I wonder though, while travelling, does he ever reflect and wonder if he could have had, or have in the. future, influence on all these things happening.

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    Mute Karen Wellington
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    Oct 4th 2017, 9:56 PM

    @Brown Boots: I thought he didn’t believe man-made climate change

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:13 PM

    @Brown Boots: In ireland we have had fathers kill their whole family’s, could this have been prevented maybe, but most cases it goes undetected. America is a big big place, and from what I can tell, if someone wants to do something, they will!!

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    Mute Bridget O'Hanlon
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:16 PM

    @Brown Boots: trump? Reflect? Nah

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    Mute Brown Boots
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:36 PM

    @Ladude: to be fair and balanced, it’s not just fathers who have done such. Anyway… Back to the point, yes it’s impossible to control everyone and stop such things as the whole Vegas shootings, however, just like everything in life, perhaps there is something to learn from it and something we could’ve done differently to prevent it, not just Trump, only saying him due to his level of influence. How did it get to that… Not just for this instance, but many others. Impossible to please everyone, but, there’s always something we can do better… Much like the second time I read this, I’ll know I could’ve made more sense than this!

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:48 PM

    @Brown Boots: Man kills people in horrific attack in america “Europeans crying out for gun ban” Islamic terrorist attacks in Europe multiple times this year alone “We need to be more tolerant” I give up.

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:50 PM

    @Brown Boots: I really don’t want to get into the gun debate, because here in Europe we have serious problems. We as people need to start asking honest questions, I believe theirs going to be a point where it’s going to be too late.

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    Mute Brown Boots
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:54 PM

    @Ladude: did I mention guns? I don’t disagree with your points, much the same we can ask all of us, is there anything we could have done differently in certain situations and what will we learn for next time, some have more influence on change in a global context.

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:03 PM

    @Brown Boots: I’m talking more in general about guns, I’ve mentioned the American shooting to a few people in work today, and they mentioned gun control stright away. Most of them just blurt out the frist thing they think of. These things require research, and investigating to come to an informed opinion. The same is happening with Europe atm, they just Base their opinion on what they think is right, but it’s far more complicated than that. And it’s going to cause long lasting damage as we are starting to see.

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:23 PM

    @Ladude: you’re right, immediately after a mass shooting isn’t the time to think of ways to prevent shootings. Just like immediately after a plane crash isn’t the time to think about airplane safety, or immediately after a four day bender isn’t the right time to think about never drinking again. You have to wait until you’ve locked that feeling away in a box somewhere and can’t remember it to actually decide, possibly during a bender that it’s all good.

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:46 PM

    @Dave O Keeffe: Let the Americans worry about their gun laws, not sure what its got to do with Europeans. More people have talked about this shooting than any of the killings in Europe. Why ?

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:49 PM

    @Ladude: did you say the same on Trump articles where he talked about attacks in Europe? Before you answer remember that all we have to do is look them up. Specifically his comments about a certain mayor in the UK.

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:50 PM

    @Ladude: also, me might as well talk about it because you can be damn sure the American government won’t

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:54 PM

    @Ladude: and also Europe’s population is double that of the US. There are more gun homicides in the US than there are “these killings in Europe” each year.

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 5th 2017, 12:36 AM

    @Dave O Keeffe: And your point ?

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    Mute Brown Boots
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    Oct 5th 2017, 5:19 AM

    @Ladude: completely missed the point I was trying to make but anyway… I’m not bothered to go back to it…

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 5th 2017, 7:43 AM

    @Ladude: there were several. Which are you not getting?

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    Mute Dermot Lane
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    Oct 4th 2017, 9:50 PM

    He just keeps getting the tone wrong every single time. Moron is right.

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    Mute JimmyMc
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:45 PM

    @Dermot Lane: it really doesn’t matter what tone he takes. People who have achieved absolutely nothing and created little more than a twitter account in their life will still call the billionaire who outflanked the establishment to become US president a moron.

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    Mute Gus McIntosh
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    Oct 5th 2017, 5:57 AM

    I’d say the tone is very important. He upped the stakes when he took office and he seems to finally be understanding that this is a role that requires a huge amount of empathy and tact. Not easy for a natural narcissist.

    Unfortunately his words and behaviour that go before just make his performances of the “caring president” seem disingenuous. A difficult man to like has to do a damn good job to win people over, so he has his work cut out, no doubt!

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    Mute Brian O Reilly
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:11 PM

    If the USA ,is so adamant in keeping the second amendment,which allows the right to bear arms ,then it should be the firearms that where available at the time of writing the Constitution That would satisfy the NRA ,and cut down on the fatalities when some middle aged white guy goes berserk,he’d soon get pissed off reloading his flintlock musket.There problem solved

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:21 PM

    Trump on the brain , but keep them coming, let the intellectuals on here give their intellectual opinions of him which are usally “stupid” “moron” “How can this man be president” etc… Thats the sort of level of intellectual criticism they give. Hardly substantial.

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    Mute Joe Caulfield
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:28 PM

    @Ladude: Indeed. The Puerile. ie would be a more appropriate name for this site.

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    Mute Ladude
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:41 PM

    @Joe Caulfield: I really think the journal is responsible for creating a political divide, by not reporting on many issues broadly and fairly. The level of journalism is just lazy and unimagitive. Of course I know they are a left leaning news outlet. But more intresting spins on the same stories would be refreshing and people might learn something instead of being in a echo chamber.

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    Mute Joe Caulfield
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:58 PM

    @Ladude: Perish the thought.

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    Mute Dave O Keeffe
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:47 PM

    @Ladude: he did well. An A performance. Change professionalism to heroism and it’s an A+

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    Mute stefanovich
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    Oct 5th 2017, 6:04 AM

    @Ladude: They should be forced to read the Spectator for homework.

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    Mute Ken Pepper
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    Oct 4th 2017, 10:42 PM

    Unless they are trans and/or Mexican

    10
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    Mute Rachel Hororwitz
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    Oct 5th 2017, 10:30 AM

    I really don’t understand the media reaction to this terrible massacre.

    They’re wondering about the motive?

    It’s a mystery?????

    It’s an attack by a leftist, anti-immigration, Trump hater.

    The attack was on a country music concert.

    The people at country music concerts are predominantly white and conservative.

    I looked at the shooters facebook page soon after the murders.

    He was a democrat supporting, anti-immigration leftist.

    If a conservative person had shot up a rap concert and killed 59 black people in Detroit or Chicago, or attacked a meeting of the democrat party, or massacred left-wing antifa protestors, like those who were at the Charlotteville rally a few weeks ago, the media would have gone insane.

    Why isn’t this reported properly?

    The lying media….

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    Mute David Cagney
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    Oct 4th 2017, 11:54 PM

    Yawn, america, don’t live there, don’t want to. It’s a Kinehin state, let them all kill each other. Pass the kitchen roll and praise the lord…

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    Mute Frederic Slimane
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    Oct 6th 2017, 8:57 PM

    has he been using air force 1?i thought he said he would use his own private jet??

    1
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