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NO MATTER HOW level-headed you are, the lead-up to getting married involves a fair bit of stress, both in terms of planning the wedding and emotionally. On the one hand, you’ve got the monster that is the wedding industry, existing solely for the purpose of convincing you to spend more money on 8-10 hours of your life than you spent on your university education. On the other, there’s the fact that deciding to get hitched is most certainly one of the biggest decisions of your life.
On top of all this, the 20- and 30-somethings getting married today are dealing with a completely new social and political landscape, making useful examples from previous generations fairly few and far between.
When my mum and dad got married in 1970, my grandmother said, “A wedding is a party thrown by the bride’s parents for their friends.” This couldn’t be further from the truth now. Not only are our parents generally more laid back about this stuff (they’re giving us now what they wanted then), but our generation is also getting married later in life, often paying for some or all of the wedding ourselves.
This is liberating, this is great, this is… really quite daunting, actually. With the rulebook out the window, every decision you make about your wedding is that much more significant. You can’t blame mum or God anymore – you decide to have a bouquet. Or not. Or wear an engagement ring. Or not. Or be given away. Or not.
But let’s start with the emotional aspects. Promising to spend the rest of your life with someone, regardless of the fact it’s a happy decision, does impact your relationship – you need to be prepared for this fact.
After you get engaged, it’s easy to become bogged down with planning the wedding, if you choose to have one. But while being bombarded with emails about chair covers (seriously, never give your email address to anyone in this industry), occasionally it dawns on one that hey, one is going to be married after all this! And that’s a pretty big deal for one, is it not?
This concept can be frightening for some, which I think is part of the reason couples can freak out over planning the party (remember, it’s only a party): focusing on chair covers (according to that email, it’s a really key issue, OK?) is a lot easier than examining the pretty heavy stuff that’s going on in your life.
Together forever: hurray!
Together forever: wow, *gulp*…?
It goes without saying that I love my fiancé and truly believe deciding to marry him is the best life decision I’ve ever made (I’m sorry, stick-blender-margarita-and-soup-making-thing, buying you just has to come second now). This being the case, committing the rest of my life to him has still been something to get used to. We lived together for two and a half years before getting engaged, and during that time I didn’t focus on certain aspects of our relationship as much as I do now.
It’s not just cutesy things like that fact that I’m going to have to hear him blow his nose incredibly loudly every morning for the rest of my life (every. morning…) – a lot of it’s deeper than that. We’ve always had a very stable, equal relationship, however since getting engaged, I’ve seen both of us examining this balance with greater scrutiny than ever before.
Suddenly, doing the washing up when it isn’t my turn isn’t just an inconvenience that I’m sure will balance out at some point, it’s a potential precedent-setter. With marriage approaching, every argument is amplified as we examine its potential life-long implications. I’m finding it harder to laugh things off like we usually do – this is the rest of our lives we’re talking about here.
My fiancé and I both recognise this change in our perspectives for what it is and nothing has come close to a deal-breaker, but it’s certainly something to get used to and approach with care.
So while you’re dealing with this at home, outside, everyone and everybody seems to expect or demand you to act in a way completely counter to your personality and principles – simply based on the fact you’re getting married. In my experience, one of the most disheartening examples of this has been the discussion of stag and hen dos.
The mere mention of these get-togethers makes me lose faith in humanity. Admittedly, I lose faith in humanity fairly easily and often (just last week, a clip from Jackass: The Movie nearly reduced me to tears over the futility of existence). But nothing – nothing! – has compromised my faith in humankind as much as the barrage of information out there about bachelorette parties/hen dos/whatever other pink, sparkly label you wish to place upon this soul-destroying conceit.
I try to stay open-minded and receptive to the tastes and feelings of others, I really do, but there is a certain breed of bride-to-be to whom I simply refuse to relate and I fear what follows is a bit of a rant.
I’ll begin with the aesthetics of these events, which range from gross to simply confusing. Why are all the decorations and party favors for these functions penis-shaped? Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of the phallus, but who wants this to make an appearance at their party? In their lives? In the world?
And what’s going on with these and these? It’s all deeply psychologically concerning – do we want to eat them or hit them? Hit them and then eat them? And why does it have to have a face like some demented Disney character? What are we saying by anthropomorphising and therefore infantilising the male genitalia? Again, deeply worrying.
But then, not every bachelorette party involves pink cowboy hats, tequila shots and daddy issues. There’s also the twee, tea-party route that many choose to take. While less off-putting, I can’t help but puzzle at the impulse to celebrate a friend’s transition into married life by playing at being housewives, decorating cupcakes, delighting in finger sandwiches and dressing like twits. Add a dose of crying in the shower and the 1950s picture of matrimony is complete. Congrats, sister, and welcome to a future of wasted college degrees and repressed rage!
Why is it that so many seemingly sane women revert to one of these two extreme stereotypes when it comes to these parties? It’s back to Sandra M Gilbert and Susan Gubar’s analysis of female characters in literature: must we be reduced to either angels in the house or madwomen in the attic (or, in the case of hen parties, in the night club)?
And what’s this about ‘celebrating your last night of singledom?’ Unless there’s a Green Card involved, by the time you get married, chances are you’ve been in a relationship of some kind for a fair amount of time. Even when I was just my fiancé’s “girlfriend” I didn’t go gallivanting about with male strippers and cock-shaped balloons, so what on earth would inspire me to do so now? Also, if that’s what really floated my boat, getting married wouldn’t necessarily prevent me from continuing to carry on as such.
And since when is being married so bad? Bachelorette-themed websites consistently spout crap like, “You’re losing one of the girls to the married life and it’s up to you to make sure that she has one last great night of being single!” and, “Make sure she gets a proper dismissal from singlehood!” It’s the twenty-first fucking century, people – if I didn’t want to get married, I wouldn’t.
But then I calm down and remind myself that it doesn’t have to be this way. The purpose of a bachelorette party, regardless of taste or style, is to celebrate a happy occasion with friends. And it is, arguably, an equalising effort against the hideous male counterpart, bachelor parties/stag dos (my word count is not long enough to begin to share my thoughts on those).
And perhaps I’m being unfair – perhaps some women are just dying for an excuse to wear a penis-shaped lollipop around their neck and this is their only chance. It takes all sorts, right?
Me? I’m not sure what I’ll do. I mean technically it’s up to my maid of honour, but she knows me well enough not to plan something atrocious. I wouldn’t say no to a nice meal out, perhaps a wine tasting… and then, there’s always the shooting range.
Boston-born and Brixton-based, Molly Garboden is a freelance journalist, solely for the purpose of having a press card that gets her free admission to museums in Paris.
A version of this article originally appeared on Morning Quickie as part of Lifting the Veil, Molly Garboden’s series of posts on her upcoming wedding. For more like this, see morningquickie.com.
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My daughter is in her transition year now….should she have skipped it then gone on to 5th and 6th then the dole queue? Money SHOULD be spent on education this article makes it sound so wrong..
Alot of confidence in your daughter there. She must be so proud.
Jenny, if your daughter is going straight from school to the dole queue you would want to take a good hard look at your parenting skills…
So now it the parents fault there’s no work out there ? I’ll take it that you have no kids
It never ceases to amaze me how some people seem to sit waiting for an opportunity to ridicule another. How anyone could take from her statement that she has no faith in her daughter and lacks parenting skills is beyond me. We do not always have to agree with one another but a little common decency would go a long way
That really upset me……just wanted you to know that.
This upset me even more…. Of course I want her to do well just pointing out there is no rush to finish school now…sorry
Divide and conquer! Let no one forget who the REAL enemy is, even when media and so many people try to steer us off course and make us fight amongst ourselves! Bankers and politicians laugh when we start arguing amongst ourselves, don’t forget that, don’t forget who the real enemy is please!
Who is the REAL enemy then? No matter what way you look at it we spend far more money than we take in! Bankers aren’t the cause of this, our current financial mismanagement is! FF were all too happy to throw out pay increases and social welfare increases when the times were good and now we’re crippled by them! The bond holder situation adds to this but our immediate problem is expenditure>income!
Ted – education spending has dropped by over 40% since boom times. Not saying that savings can’t be made in certain areas, just pointing it out. It has left us spending 75% of the OECD average.
Again, not saying that there are areas that should be targetted; I think those numbers will surprise people somewhat though.
Tony my point isn’t anything negative about education spend, the only reason that I have a career is because I got a good education and degree qualification, it’s always the answer to how to succeed! My point was merely in relation to Diarmuid’s REAL enemy and pointing out that our current mess regardless of any bank or bond holder is that we spend more than we earn, it’s unsustainable to borrow money every month to keep the lights on!
our immediate problem is the government’s economic policy. the public service is dis functional and almost not fit for purpose due to cutbacks and embargoes.. enough is enough..
Without fairness and justice I will never agree with targeting of one group for vilification! Corps pay no tax and are treated as gods by govt, bankers can laugh at us and mock us for being suckers and still walk the streets with no worries whatsoever, govt can break a litany of promises and saddle us with debt we never accrued yet remain in office yet you want to talk about some BS misrepresenting the situation and conditions those who teach our children work in and target them with our anger! Wake up Ffs!
Every household in the country has no choice but ballance their budget,as part of our bail out agreement with the IMF, the state has to do the same,or face the consequences of another and far more damageing bail out,this is the reality.
Yes, of course the books must be balanced. But balance doesn’t exist if the nature of releasing information is populous and misleading.
So now the target is transition year !?! Yes let’s get those kids to the dole queue and or departure gate even faster !! Plus we get the added bonus of getting rid of 1200 of those disobedient teachers !!
Always love to wake up to see what propaganda has been written about my profession. What is this articles point ??
1700 whole time equivalent – it could be much more than that on part time contracts
It’s another vague numer again isn’t it?
1700 whole time; is that in the hours covered or in the pay put out. And at what pay scale? Yet another lump of divide and conquer propaganda from “leading” questions.
I predict that we’ll see a little more of this before the govt finds a way to sit down with the ASTI in about a month.
What is the point of this article?
Infowar.
So is the solution not to give teachers maternity leave or not to pay the teachers who cover the maternity leave?
Or when teachers retire after November, do we leave those classes with no teacher? (If a teaching contract isn’t processed before 30th of November the teacher is paid as a substitute until the end of the school year)
I don’t think it’s even relevant for this to be broken down as primary/secondary. Or at the very least it would be far more relevant to break it down by showing how much of it is supervision and how much of it is substitution.
Really not seeing the point of this article. By supervising students at break this can often mean teachers have no break during their working day. 9-4 can often be 9-5/6 when extra-curricular activities are factored in. The right to a break is a right that is both enshrined by law and working through this break is paid negligibly as it is.
Transition year is the most important year for students-often the only one where so many who do not perform well at exam level can shine and be rewarded for non-academic achievements. So the issue with investing in this year is ………..?
I’m a self employed contractor working for one client. I work whatever hours Are necessary to get the job done – usually 8 to 3 and then another couple of hours in the evening. I’m on call 24/7, I don’t get paid if I take a lunch break (so I don’t) and haven’t had any time off for three years because I don’t get paid if I’m not working.
I would love a job with breaks and paid holidays, sick leave, career breaks et. but sadly the private sector is not like that for everyone. There is no union fighting my cause or colleagues to support me.
I think teachers do a wonderful job and are right to stand up for themselves but talking about not getting proper breaks during the day does little to further your cause when those of us who are self employed get none of that and have the constant worry of where your next pay check will come from.
I admire your work ethic and sympathise with your situation but I think this shows you need support – be it from a union or elsewhere. I was self employed myself and one thing that annoyed me was the lack of a safety net or support from the state.
How much of this money will the government get back with all the different taxes and other levies ?
Why not spend more money on it then, so they can collect more in taxation, we might be able to get rid of the deficit that way.
Frank, Hope your not a maths teacher…
maybe he teaches English, if so ask him for a few much needed lessons
Teachers who end up substituting – what do you think they are doing while not substituting?!
No I’m not a math teacher or any type of teacher , I’m just fed up with this government number crunching to make excuses to cut the b%##%% out of education , health and anything to do with the future of OUR kids , these ass%#^%s always look for a reason to do the wrong thing !!! Cut this cut that they would be better off cutting their own big salaries and pensions before anything else
I just woke up and find my self baffled after reading this article. Is it cas I’m still asleep?!
I am struggling to see the point of this article. All this will do is heighten the animosity towards teachers and in particular ASTI teachers. It’s all well and good spouting those figures but what few realise is they are gross figures for instance- the net supervision comes to €700 approx for the year and the rest is taken back in tax etc.
Also it is parents who decide to allow their child do Transition year and any costs covered are costs which you don’t have to pay straight up to the school.
It’s a coincidence how teachers and other areas of the public sector eg welfare are continuously mentioned in the months before a budget!
If it wasn’t for substitution and maternity leaves many teachers (myself included) would have no work for the past few years. Spread out over all our schools this is not an excessive sum. If you want a good education system (like one that has flexibility and allows for extracurricular activity) then you need substitute teachers. Simple.
The picture of the teacher heading the article is female.
The majority of teachers in (primary) schools (especially) are female.
It is a woman’s right to become pregnant. If the DES must replace a female teacher who has had a baby or is unwell due to a pregnancy-related illness – so be it! Children cannot be left unattended. The same thing happens with nurses and doctors’ staffing schedules – patients must be looked after and locums are employed.
It happens with social workers who are ill or pregnant – they are replaced to ensure that some very vulnerable people are protected.
Is the sentiment of the journalist’s article anti-woman or anti-public servant?
If will cost nothing next year …. jobbridge here we go
Transition year is such an important part of education, it looks at the student holistically and enhances talents and skills left untapped in other education years due to curricular restrictions and exam stress. I’m a voluntary TY coordinator and year head, students who do TY change as people, they grow and become aware of themselves and the world around them. I think that’s worth the money. Let teenagers be teenagers for one year at least, allow them to explore the world and the opportunities afforded to them.
Yes ….yes …that has been put better than I ever could!
Ok now this one I will admit is ridiculous but has added to the figures above:
Dublin City VEC (which has recently been renamed) for the last to Septembers (to my knowledge, possibly even the years before that) did not hold the interviews for vacant positions in time, leaving Principal of each school/college having to re advertise posts as substitute positions for the month of September (aside from inflating the figure above, this leads to extra stressful unnecessary work for Principals, disruption in the classroom etc.)
(Why can’t you edit comments here?)
Typo: two Septembers (obviously)
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