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Column 7 ways to stay happy in a long-term relationship

Relationship counsellor Lisa O’Hara gives some practical tips… and explains why marriage is like martial arts.

RECENT RESEARCH from the Gottman Institute says that 69 per cent of conflicts in couple relationships are unresolvable.

An alarming statistic you might think, and it might makes you wonder if it can’t be resolved, is there any hope of peace and harmony again? Not just silence and not talking or sighing and giving in (and really not being happy about it), but more a sense of a genuine acceptance of each others’ differences?

According to a survey conducted by Grant Thornton in 2011, the most common reason nowadays for divorce (in 27 per cent of cases) is that the couple had simply drifted apart. The erosion of intimacy and friendship saw their relationship slide down the list of priorities and gradually more attention was paid to work, raising a family and other distractions, some pleasant and some more worrying (such as financial pressures, which are reflected in 40 per cent of all cases in Relationships Ireland).

So how can a relationship survive the inevitable struggles that come with a long term commitment?

1. Seek help early

Research tells us that the average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. It’s hard and sometimes embarrassing to admit that you cannot sort it out between you. Professionals will understand this and very little shocks them.

2. Be careful what you say

The happiest couples avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics. After all, when you want to blame or give out, do you really expect them to say ‘here, let me pull up a chair and you can tell me all about how I’m ruining everything for you’?

3. Accept influence from your partner

Long term happy relationships tend to turn to each other and consider the other’s needs as well as their own. This helps to build trust in the relationship and keeps goodwill and sharing alive. You need to know you matter and that you are cared for. This includes your partner listening to what you have to say, and not always just trying to get their own needs met.

4. Have high standards

Happy couples will refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another (eg criticism, contempt, defensiveness and/or stonewalling). It sets a tone of respect between them. Low levels of tolerance for bad behaviour at the start equals a happier couple down the road.

5. Learn to repair and exit the argument

Happy couples have learned how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Examples of repair attempts: using humour (but not defensively); stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“We’ll tackle this problem together”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you often have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

6. Focus on the bright side

In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example “We laugh a lot” as opposed to “We never have any fun.” A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make regular deposits to your emotional bank accounts.

7. Stay interested

In long term happy relationships, couples remain interested in each other, they pay attention to what the other has to say and set time aside to be with each other (it’s why date night is so popular). Being busy at home and work means that conversations happen when there are other distractions, like making the dinner, putting the kids to bed, checking email, texts, Facebook, etc. When did you last look into their eyes? And smile straight at them? And say thanks, like you really meant it and it is not just a cursory gesture.

Lisa O’Hara is a counsellor for Relationships Ireland.

Relationships Ireland is introducing a special promotion offer of an initial Couples Counselling consultation for €30, which applies to couples who contact them and mention in their enquiry that they have seen the film Hope Springs. The offer runs October 5 2012. You can book on 1890 380 380 or by emailing info@relationshipsireland.com.

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    Mute Bryan Mills
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    May 31st 2014, 7:33 AM

    Would a Spar have been more favourable?

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    Mute TifFanny Bush
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    May 31st 2014, 7:45 AM

    Yes it would have ,as they would have kept things hidden ‘under the tree’.

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    Mute Kenneth Finn
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    May 31st 2014, 7:49 AM

    They occupy all the 1st floor in what appears to be excellent accommodation. Does everything always have to be dublin based? A sub office is a reasonable solution imo, but can only be a gradual loss of these good jobs back to dublin over a period.

    For a precedent see brussels/strasbourg for the eu.

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    Mute winding_down
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    May 31st 2014, 10:44 AM

    The Strasbourg “precedent” costs the European taxpayer many millions of euro annually (not to mind the environmental impact of shuttling tons of paper up and down from Brussels one week per month). Everybody (Member States and MEPs alike) want it gone, except the veto-wielding French. Hardly a comparable example!

    Fact is that they’ll fail to recruit the best quality replacement for Billy Hawkes because most prospective candidates won’t countenance moving to Portarlington! Unless of course they’re allowed to be based 5-days per week at the “sub-office” in Dublin…

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    May 31st 2014, 7:23 AM

    Love how it says “beside a Central in Laois” as it that’s automatically a bad thing..

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    Mute Patrick Moran
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    May 31st 2014, 7:28 AM

    You might expect to find a post office, a hairdresser or maybe a solicitor beside a Centra in Laois. But an office tasked with policing the privacy rights of 300+ million people ?? That is just a tad Irish.

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    May 31st 2014, 7:29 AM

    An office can be anywhere. This is the 21st century, we have phones, computers a postal system. We’re having a conversation right now and I’m in a house on the ass-end of nowhere – doesn’t affect the quality of the conversation.

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    Mute Niall o' Sullivan
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    May 31st 2014, 7:33 AM

    “An office can be anywhere.” – no it can’t, not a state one.

    Do you make a living from playing Devil’s advocate with yourself?

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    Mute Thomas Maher
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    May 31st 2014, 8:34 AM

    Well it is handy to grab a breakfast roll on way into work and if its you’re turn to get the milk for the staff room.

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    May 31st 2014, 8:36 AM

    What do you imagine goes on in there? People showing up with Lidl bags full of data, asking if the commissioner is in? The Taoiseach dropping in to see how the data is doing and maybe use the photocopier? Or, like most head offices, people sitting at computer screens on the phone?

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    May 31st 2014, 8:46 AM

    It reminds of the mentality that the banks used to have, where you can’t possibly be getting anything done unless your logo is displayed on a palace in College Green.

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    Mute The Truth Hurts
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    May 31st 2014, 9:35 AM

    You still can’t because there’s no staff left… (Ones with a clue that is).

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    Mute Gerry in Laois
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    May 31st 2014, 9:20 AM

    Just for the sake of accuracy, it’s not actually a Centra, it’s a Gala. It changed about a year or so ago.

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    Mute Red4fred
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    May 31st 2014, 9:28 AM

    I’d get on to the DPC about that Gerry

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    Mute Joseph Dempsey
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    May 31st 2014, 7:44 AM

    Extraordinary that such a powerful & yet utterly useless organisation has an office above a local convenience store. Data protection has become the greatest tool for companies, especially telecoms & utilities to obstruct, twart, infuriate, annoy & ultimately discourage customers from making any contact with their suppliers.

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    Mute Patrick Moran
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    May 31st 2014, 7:25 AM

    If I didn’t know better I might think the govt of the day wanted to bury the DPC away in a back yard shed out of sight and mind. Oh wait ….

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    Mute Truth Patrol
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    May 31st 2014, 10:46 AM

    You’re obviously Dublin based Patrick? Anywhere out of Dublin is out of sight, gas attitude. Sure them culchies don’t know what they’re doing :)

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    Mute Neal Ireland Hello
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    May 31st 2014, 12:57 PM

    It’s minutes from the motorway network, and therefore far easier for staff to travel from there to various parts of the country than from some overpriced ivory tower in Kildare street.

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    Mute Niall o' Sullivan
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    May 31st 2014, 7:28 AM

    Good stuff Hugh/Journal.

    I, in my mind, had envisaged the DPC in a central Dublin office block beneath or part of, a state department or embassy building.

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    Mute Pierce2020
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    May 31st 2014, 7:40 AM

    This article should have a product placement warning like Fair City

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    Mute Padraig Maloney
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    May 31st 2014, 9:56 AM

    It’s not Centra any more, current owner gave up franchise

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    Mute Padraig Maloney
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    May 31st 2014, 10:02 AM

    Oh, and it’s up for sale at the moment http://www.jordancs.ie/fullpage.aspx?id=567794

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    Mute Thomas Maher
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    May 31st 2014, 10:27 AM

    Its asking price is €1,000,000. Is must be Dr evil selling it.

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    Mute Catherine Mill
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    May 31st 2014, 9:02 PM

    Well, where ever their office is, its officers do amazing work in getting data from certain state agents who try to use all kinds of tactics to block the truth. Example HSE and Probation services. But Data Commissioner was on the ball and did all the hard work for me.

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    Mute Peter Martin
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    Jun 1st 2014, 1:44 AM

    Same here. GSOC by comparison is a total and abject failure and it is a total fraud.

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    Mute Hank Schrader
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    May 31st 2014, 10:27 AM

    No more breakfast rolls for the lads downstairs.

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    Mute Peter Martin
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    May 31st 2014, 2:25 PM

    They are doing a good job of work no matter where their office is located.

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    Mute Diarmuid
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    May 31st 2014, 11:43 AM

    Decentralisation gone mad.

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    Mute Neil Dinnen
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    May 31st 2014, 10:16 AM

    It’s not a Centra anymore. Now plain old O’Hanlon’s.

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