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AS A DATING coach, I’ve grown increasingly alarmed by the number of clients who tell me they’ve been abused by a narcissist, which is reflected by the current explosion of internet podcasts, vodcasts and blogs about healing from narcissistic trauma.
Experts estimate that one to six per cent of the population in Ireland has Narcissistic Personally Disorder (NPD). Unfortunately, individuals with NPD don’t usually seek treatment, and the disorder is considered permanent, so it’s important to learn how you can avoid getting enmeshed with someone with narcissistic tendencies.
While it is unclear if my clients are describing experiences with a true clinical narcissist, someone with narcissistic traits, or another type of emotional abuser, each case shows attempts to control the client by wearing down their self-confidence and cultivating a deep dependence.
I’ve noticed in my coaching and interviews with narcissism abuse survivors that one trait NPD victims have in common is a high degree of empathy and nurturing, with a tendency to put other people’s needs before their own. Narcissists and other manipulators lack empathy and self-esteem, craving the validation and attention they get from these nurturing souls.
So, let’s dive a little deeper into this personality type and see what the research tells us. To effectively scare away narcissistic abusers, it can be helpful to identify some of the fairly well-established patterns of behaviour, as described below…
As more is understood about the makeup of narcissists, one of the red flags that experts have identified is that of ‘love bombing’.
The victim, who gives a lot in relationships, is “love bombed” by the abuser right away with lavish gifts, praise, attention and declarations of love.
The victim, who wants desperately to believe their fairytale love has come true, ignores, or minimises the red flags because they empathise with the abuser’s trauma and think their love can heal it.
Once the victim is hooked, the narcissist starts to devalue their significant other via insults, gaslighting, withholding intimacy, or blaming the victim for their own issues.
The victim may doubt their own sanity, or feel guilty of wrongdoing, often taking on responsibility to fix their partner and resolve their relationship issues.
When a victim starts to recognise the abuse, and attempts to set boundaries, request compromise and reciprocity, the abuser discards them. The victim is often shocked, unable to process how a person who loved them deeply could leave without attempting to repair the relationship. While this outcome is painful, it may be better than another tactic called hoovering, where narcissists manipulate people back into their lives—through their children or other methods—to prolong the abuse.
While there is an abundance of manipulators haunting the dating world, it’s possible for survivors to shift from previous toxic relationship patterns and attract a healthy relationship. The key is to identify what has attracted abusers in the past and harness this information to turn off potential future abusers. Here are three ways to do that:
Be mindful of giving too much too soon
Giving too much too soon can feel overwhelming or manipulative to a healthy dating candidate who doesn’t know you. Give yourself time to see if the other person has demonstrated that they are emotionally safe, showing over time that they have empathy and want to reciprocate. Abusers will see this healthy reserve as unattractive, especially narcissists who need an endless supply of attention, validation and nurturing.
Demonstrate healthy boundaries by prioritising yourself over others
Instead of focusing on other people’s needs, feelings, and goals, it’s important to prioritise your own self-care. Learning to say no may be challenging at first. However, while a narcissist may try to make you feel guilty for acts of self-care, a healthy partner will ultimately respect you more and even encourage your health and self-esteem. One may further signal healthy boundaries by not responding immediately to a bombardment of texts or other demands. Only say yes when you feel that you genuinely want to do something, rather than just to placate someone’s ego and avoid their anger. They will quickly lose interest if you stick to your boundaries.
Cultivate independence before dating
In my practice, I frequently encounter clients seeking a partner to resolve personal issues, ranging from financial difficulties to general unhappiness and disappointment with life.
I try to gently encourage clients to cultivate their own financial – and emotional – independence to avoid falling victim to someone who may use money and attention to control them. This means pursuing their own goals, including building good credit and saving habits. It also means starting to live your happiest, most purposeful life outside of a romantic relationship by investing in friendships and activities that feel nurturing.
You can demonstrate such independence before meeting a potential abuser by stating in your online dating profile that you are looking for someone who has a full life and is financially responsible like you, or making it clear on the first call or date. This will turn them off because they will know you’re not an easy target for their manipulation.
If you’ve been victimised by someone with narcissistic traits, it’s important to forgive yourself and understand that even highly intelligent people can be fooled by a master manipulator — especially when approached at a vulnerable time. Once my clients identify their own needs and nurture greater self-esteem, they develop other healthy relationships in their professional and personal lives that make them even more attractive to healthy dating partners.
Jeanne Sullivan Billeci is a certified life coach who works also as the Irish dating expert known as The Soul Mate Coach.
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Fair play to voxpro.
True but what are the two grinning idiots doing there?
Everywhere they seem to go there is a massive jobs announcement. They must be the luckiest lads in the world.
Yes Ted – they’re like the opposite of Jessica Fletcher …
Joseph they are the taoiseach and minister for jobs. They helped facilitate the new jobs and are no doubt enjoying the positive limelight that stories like this bring.
@seb.
I’d be pretty sure that they had feck all to do with it. Just jumping on the pre election bandwagon.
Bruton is the Minister for Gobs not Jobs.
How did they help facilitate the new jobs?
Kenny is saying let them eat cake the peasants.
@Joseph
Company is supported by Enterprise Ireland..Government run body. That’s how they helped facilitate the new jobs…
How exactly is it supported ? Who is looking after the Irish Water call center ? any ideas about that?
350 new jobs means a nice bit of extra tax revenue coming soon why else would the grinning idiots be there…
Would you ever cop on the only jobs they create is jobs for the boys
@Joseph
Enterprise Ireland have a number of funding mechanisms, potentially investing hundreds of thousands in the company and taking an equity stake in it. I’m not sure exactly what funding they are getting.
Honestly dude though, stick to the point. What has the Irish water call center got to do with this?
Any chance of a bit of balance Joseph? If you complain about the Govt not creating enough jobs, and then they are created through Govt-supported money then credit where it’s due.
Michael have you taken notice of what has been going on and reveled over the last 6 – 8 weeks. You want “balance”, I want these filthy corrupt parasites jailed.
@Joseph
But you have to admit you are being a bit biased on your argument here? I can understand your dislike of the current government but that shouldn’t come into this argument.
Chris in all honesty do you consider it “fair” what these people are doing to the general population in this country?
We are talking about one specific story hear. I don’t see any reason why need to bring up what “these people” are doing in general. My whole argument is that you look at this extremely positive piece of news for Cork and Ireland as a whole and try and see only the negatives. Regardless of you disagreeing with what the government are doing you have to at least recognise that this is a positive story and that like it or not a government body had a positive part to play in it.
To be honest Joe it worries me that there are people like you out there, probably trying to get into politics. I would happily endure another 10 years of austerity than have someone as narrowminded as you anywhere close to running the country
Yes Joseph, I follow all of that too. Today’s news though is fantastic for hundreds of families and there will be ancillary benefits to many others accruing from these job announcements. It’s annoying that every bloody positive news story has to be followed by endless negative comments on the present Govt. There are many other stories where you can give your opinion and it will be respected. But this news should only be commented on with optimism at the difference it will make to people. And a balanced agreement that yes, sometimes, this Govt. gets things right. It’s Friday, cheer up man.
Chris telling the truth is not always the most popular thing to do. I’d be far more worried about the people that are in politics now and what is being planned for our kids by these parasites.
The truth? Just out of interest, do you think the government should have more involvement in jobs creation or less? By the sounds of it you don’t think they do enough. What would you have them do differently? In general what would you do differently with regards to other issues?
We need a new constitution that reflects the needs of a modern secular democratic republic.
We need accountability and transparency in all public affairs.
Yippie, more jobs for Cork. You’ll all be moving down here soon!
Well done cork
Well done.Very good news.
Except for people living in countries that the outsourcing is taking jobs from of course. Remember the outcry when Aviva did the same thing? Nothing like good old fashioned hypocrisy
I was with Voxpro in the early years when they had a small office with a small team. Dan and Linda built that business from a small office with a handful if dedicated employees to what it is today. A true success in the current climate.
I take my hat off to them.
Good news on the economy/jobs and Adams arrested. Shinners must be ready to explode.
Very true tom. I often think that when I hear good news on the economy, shinners and populist socialists must be tearing their hair out because good news for Ireland is bad news for them.
Btw “explode” was an unintentional pun.
Sebastian – have you not heard? – all of these jobs are to scambridgers in Australia.
Hmm. If these jobs were not outsourced then better paid jobs would be created or maintained elsewhere. What is outsourcing really only taking higher paid jobs from somewhere else in the economy?
If they weren’t outsourced to an Irish company them they would be outsourced to Asia somewhere – so it’s still a good announcement.
L connors. That’s capitalism. Get over it.
Many companies will outsource particular aspects of their business for many reasons. Maybe they don’t have the skills, or the demand for a particular service would be infrequent and it wouldn’t be worth doing it in-house.
I’m not disputing that it’s not capitalism. Hardly a great jobs announcement though as outsourcing is just to replace other jobs. And these jobs would not be outsourced to Asia – as if that’s the case why is it not happening? It would be cheaper to do so and that option still exists.
Yes, but the option also exists to outsource to an Irish firm which is obviously well regarded and successful. The work could well be outsourced from overseas and would be new work coming into the country. It could also facilitate cost effective expansion for irish firms.
Stop being so negative.
L connors. Im not sure about the inner workings of this Company and how and what it outsources. However it is great news and for every one high end job created 4 or 5 other jobs are also created. They call it trickle down employment.
And minister Bruton and An Taoiseach can pop up in front of the cameras all they want and put on as many cheesy smiles as they want so long as big announcements like this keep happening.
L Connnors – the fact that Voxpro is creating 300 outsourcing jobs does not mean that 300 jobs are being lost elsewhere in Ireland.
The clients could be outside of Ireland
The services could be a result of increased demand that internal resources are unable to fulfill
I’ve tried saying this over and over in my head and it’s not intended as offensive…but how many of these jobs will go to the Irish? I know of a lot of similar companies in Ireland employing 75%+ foreign nationals
I’m sure that if an Irish person has the required language skills and qualifications they have as much chance as getting the job as the next person. Do you think there should be a quota?
They will go to who applies for them and so what if 75% go to them, irish people are probably above the jobs and won’t apply.
Not at all, a person should be qualified. As I said, I didn’t want it to be offensive. But when we see ’350 jobs created’ I just would like to know how many actually go to Irish nationals
I find that offensive tbh…I also don’t think its an issue and I’m surprised you think it is one
But why, the taxes go to irish people anyway. It’s not companies fault that Irish people are so thick and can’t speak other languages. Thousands of jobs would be filled if people got off there arses and learned a second language.
And by the way if you were in Australia or Europe would u liked to be viewed in the same man or you are summing up non irish nations.
I know u don’t mean it but…..
Same way you (what was meant)
I posted my response in the wrong place, it’s floating around somewhere here
Fair play boi’s .. Jobs for the boi’s
I’d say the taylors dummy on the right edged it. The suit on the left is a bit tight in the middle
At the rate they’re going we’ll have full employment by May 23rd. Amazing!
Wahoo, more call centre jobs for Cork
I realise how this might come across as offensive, was just a thought. Ted Crilly’s ‘not a racist’ video comes to mind. I’M SORRY INTERNET
Drop in the ocean to the 450 thousand unemployed.
Where’s Christopher with the negative spin on 350 new jobs? Ah, there you are, my little ray of sunshine.
If I said it was sunny outside, your next comment would be ‘They say it’ll rain tomorrow’.
Go out, get some air, see something beautiful, and then come back to us. There’s a good boy.
Job announcements like this sound great until you realize that the vast majority of the call center jobs are for native foreign language speakers only.
I don’t think job announcements should even make the headlines if 99% of Irish ”need not apply’.
These are ‘government’ created jobs.
Answering calls for irish water.
Electioneering at its finest.
350 new jobs and why am I reading lots and list of negative comments and bickering? This could have been 350,000 new jobs and some journal readers would still find something negative and have a moan.
have your say