Sign in. It’s quick, free and it’s up to you.
An account is an optional way to support the work we do. Find out more.
How do you get on with teenagers? It’s a serious question – it may seem impossible to many, what with the mood swings, the tantrums and then the weeks of silence.
All these things can test a parent’s patience says Sheila O’ Malley’s, a leading parenting and relationships mentor who runs practicalparenting.ie. She gives us a few key tips on how to manage and get the most out of your relationship with your teen. She writes:
1. Look after yourself first
IT’S LIKE IN an aircraft. You put your own mask on first. It stands to reason if you’re not looking after yourself; you can’t look after others. Incorporate this into your daily routine. Go for a walk by yourself or with a friend to de-stress. This way you get exercise, time to chat and time to think. Eat well and seek support from friends and family if you need it. Rest when you get the chance, rather than doing too much, operating from tiredness and neglect. Learn to say no, rather than doing too much and taking it out on your children. Remember, mornings begin the night before. Encourage your teen to help out with a pre prepared lunch, setting out uniform the night before. Get up half an hour earlier and reduce stress for all.
2. Eight minutes a day to make a teenager feel loved
Studies have shown just eight minutes a day ‘one on one’ time with your teenager can significantly increase their self-esteem and confidence levels. Maybe that’s why so many parents drive their teenagers to school! Teens prefer side-on communication so a car journey is a perfect opportunity to connect into their world. I’m always amazed at how much information I get en route to school. You want your teenager to feel loved, secure and special. The more attention you give – the less they demand it and challenging behaviours should reduce.
3. Blame the behaviour, not the teenager - “I love you, but can’t accept that behaviour”
Blaming lowers self esteem (“how could you be so stupid”). Limit criticism with teenagers. A young person can change how they behave, but not what a parent says they are. Therefore if they get a negative message from you they may take on the label ‘I’m stupid’. When your teenager deserves your love the least, they need it the most. Behaviour is usually about how they feel. If they are behaving badly it’s often attention seeking. Try understanding how they are feeling, if they feel understood and loved, they have no need to act out.
4. Press the pause button
When you feel angry a lot of child experts will tell you to give the child time out, but really it’s you that needs the time out to calm down. Take action for yourself, not against the child. Move away if you are going to lose it and breathe deeply until you calm down. In the heat of the moment, just say to your teen “deal with it later”.
5. Seek first to understand – then to be understood
Instead of getting angry, try and let your teenager know you are listening to them. Come down to their eye level, speak quietly, make eye contact and use their name. “When you calm down; I can talk to you.” Misbehaviour that is ignored decreases over time.
6. Catch them being good – “I noticed… ”
Unconditionally love your teen, not for what they do, but for who they are. It takes five positive encounters with your teen to negate one negative one. Notice their efforts. Say things like “thanks for tidying up” or “I can see you are working hard on that” and you will notice them behave better as a result.
7. “I” messages and keep communication lines open
Making negative ‘you’ statements is heard as a criticism. Instead of saying “you’re always late,”or “you’re never on time” say “I feel upset and I need you to let me know if you’re running late for dinner because I have gone to trouble of making a meal.” State your expectations in an ‘I’ message (“I expect… ”) and you may get a better response.
8. The calmer you are, the calmer they will be
Be the change they want to see. Ease up on yourself and you will ease up on them as the teen years can be difficult. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Let it go, slow down and ask yourself if it is really that important.
9. Treat your teenager with respect
Children learn from the behaviour they see, and parents are a primary influence. You are the parent, therefore get in charge of your own behaviour. Be a good role model to your child. Treat them as you would wish to be treated. My experience is that what I put out, I get back.
10. Lighten up
Families can’t survive on rules alone. Have fun with your family because children don’t stay young forever. Do activities together and have fun with it. Bond with your family. Rule with love not laws, settle for less and be flexible. The more time you spend together and positive attention you give, the less they will demand and the better relationships will be at home.
Sheila O’Malley is a relationships and parenting mentor from practicalparenting.ie. Sheila offers one to one parenting mentoring, one day parenting courses and parenting talks. For more information on their services you can email info@practicalparenting.ie or call 086 8759086. You can also visit their Facebook page here.
To embed this post, copy the code below on your site
Of course it was an Irish budget; it took much from those that need most, and took nothing from those that have most.
Just one example…three rows of social houses across the street from me…car or two in front of each of them…trips to the post office every week…work?…what for?…we have everything for free…i hope i will see them soon leaving home in the morning to go and work hard, just like me!
Good man. There are jobs out there.temporary maybe. Interns maybe. Free college or fas courses maybe. But defo no excuse to be at home all day
Agree wholeheartedly with the Senator – the budget reflects profound ideological choices about the kind of Ireland we want.
Neither party has outlined any kind of vision beyond balancing the books – this is a massive failing.
I think it was a very good budget.. Its not going to impact much on those who are working. There are currently 10,000 jobs advertised in ireland… So jobs there are, i think the budget was a push to get people back to work.
Alex. When I see the “back to work” slogan used regarding this budget it makes me laugh. Very few employers in their right mind will employ anyone unless absolutely necessary with this proposal for them to pay first 4 weeks of sick pay.
What are we paying PRSI for again? Oh yeah, for when we’re all on the dole!
And even if the 10,000 jobs figure is correct (where are you getting that from, btw?), there are well over 300,000 people unemployed in this country at the moment. And what about the 140 companies that went under in the past month?
“Incentivising” people to go take jobs that aren’t there, by placing them
In danger of poverty, pushing them deeper into poverty. Weak justification, given the circumstances.
Well I think was a good budget. There are politics to how the decisions can be made and they did their best. But they should have put a few euro on the fags. That way unemployed people won’t smoke away their social welfare. And don’t tell me unemployed strapped for cash people should have the freedom to smoke blah blah
Have you something against the Unemployed then Aidan ?
That’s all very well and good, but you are actually speaking about an addiction. And forcing them to quit is infringing on their rights, whether it’s a silly decision to smoke or not.
If a person on the dole had a worse addiction like heroin we wouldn want them to spend their dole on it and smoking is no different.. I dont mind paying tax for the needy or for education and healthcare but you can get fucked if you think im paying for someone to smoke 20 a day and live in the local bookies.. Tax the shite out of bad habits I say…
@yosser. I have something against the unemployed smoking my tax money. As stated. Now please stop with your amazingly silly point
Aidan. You’d never look in the mirror for me and tell the cranky man to stop making his amazingly silly points.
Can they smoke their own tax money? I’m pretty sure the 14% out of work haven’t always been on the dole.
Yeah lads great being on the dole money for nothing ….Working 5 days a week on the black market couldn’t beat it !! You just keep on paying your taxes good lads ….
Unemployed because they chose it as their lifestyle?…YES…because they are too lazy?…f..k YES! They feel far too comfortable with the dole coming to their pockets every week and don’t even think about doing anything towards finding a job. Not all of them of course, but surely a lot of them.
Es war sicherlich ein irischer budget!!
enjoy! :)
Bitterly disappointed to hear Dr Zappone on with Ivan Yates during the week. Dr Zappone talked about how great the Seanad was but guys like me (taxpayers) have no say because I went to the “wrong” university. Another taxpayer (a friend who happens to own and run a shop, and is doing so very successfully during a recession) who pays a lot more tax than I do gets zero say because he didn’t go to college. Another friend, a supremely intelligent guy doesn’t get a vote because he got his degree (a First Class Honours) at Baliol, Oxfod. It is a bit rich cribbing and moaning about inclusiveness when you are happy to partake in the most obscenely undemocratic instituion imaginable.
Huge respect for gay rights work, but the fact that Dr Zappone went out of her way to say how great the Seanad was makes my blood boil.
Dump the euro
Balance the books
Problem sorted
Ooops! One small problem. The public sector might have to take a pay cut. I guess we will just have to make our children pay instead. Simples.
@Rommel the country is in debt. If you can find their own tax money you are some man. Otherwise cop on
@Aidan
Can civil and public servants smoke? After all you’re paying their wages too. Or are they exempt because they contribute tax? The majority of the unemployed have contributed plenty over the years too you know. Why not hammer drink in the budget too?
@Rommel public and civil service can do what they want with their disposable income. Don’t be so silly. Look, ill spell it out for you like a kids story it might help you: So if you were unemployed, you’re sitting with your partner scratching your head over how you are going to financially cope, and her and your feet are sore from walking through Dublin at the anti budget protest and she turns to you and says ‘Rommel, please give up the fags for a start, that will help, there is too much money being smoked. You smoke twenty a day. That’d sixty a week, a third of your job seekers allowance ‘ ‘why no honey, it’s my right to smoke, I’ll smoke if I want, I’ve worked long enough over the years so I’ll do what I want, so goodnight’
End of
“public and civil service can do what they want with their disposable income”, but not the unemployed? Why not? I got news for you, it’s none of your business.
End of.
@Rommel buddy surely you know that disposable income is that of money left after tax. Unemployed receive allowance, support. Incomparable in my opinion. Anyway have a good Friday night. I’m headin out for a fag
have your say