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Peter Mathews (left): It's alright, lads, panic over. Sasko Lazarov/Photocall Ireland

Snake oil, champagne-licking Troika: The week's news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Peter Mathews takes himself hostage and the Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Micheál Martin’s snake oil removes austerity and abortion

Monday, 29 April

Snake oil salesman Micheál Martin told an excited crowd in Dublin yesterday that two drops of his magical elixir will remove all traces of austerity and abortion.

Hundreds queued to buy bottles of the remedy at €15.99 each, with many buying two for €40.

Some then went blind as they immediately splashed the laundered diesel on their faces but they were unperturbed. “Micheál told them they were seeing the light,” a witness said.

“I just happened to be passing,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny said as he left with two bottles.

The Outlaw Josey Wales then spat tobacco juice at Mr Martin before leaving for Canada for a brighter future.

Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage in Dáil

Tuesday, 30 April

The much anticipated Womb Repossession Bill takes centre stage in the Dáil today and is expected to be controversial.

The debate is likely to be particularly acrimonious as a significant minority of Government TDs don’t believe wombs should be repossessed in any circumstances.

“A womb, in many circumstances, is the family home. It should never be repossessed,” a TD said on condition of anonymity.

The Bill allows for three justifiable circumstances for repossessing a womb.

These are:

• Having no regard for the contents of your womb
• Flaunting your womb
• Having a womb

It is understood that repossessed wombs will be stored in the facilities previously used to house e-voting machines.

Troika celebrates Ireland’s draft abortion legislation

Wednesday, 1 May

The EU-IMF-ECB Troika celebrated Ireland’s proposed abortion legislation into the small hours last night.

The revellers were said to be ecstatic that abortion and not austerity would continue to be the major talking point in Ireland.

“They were in high form, licking champagne off each other’s nipples and ordering anything they wanted,” a waiter at the best restaurant in the world, El Celler de Can Roca, said.“It was unusual behaviour for accountants.”

“This is fantastic,” a hungover ECB official said this morning. “They’ll be discussing abortion for ten years. By then we’ll have the beaches, the forests, the water, the air, the lot.”

Tragedy narrowly averted at Fine Gael meeting

Thursday, 2 May

Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Fine Gael parliamentary party meeting last night after TD Peter Mathews took himself hostage.

Mr Mathews grabbed himself by the scruff of the neck while the Taoiseach was speaking and shouted: “We are all going to die.”

The enigmatic cult leader then barricaded himself and his followers into a room amid fears that a siege situation would develop.

However, Mr Mathews emerged from the room during the tea break. “I was bored in there on my own,” he said.

Shock as banks fail to cut variable mortgage rates

Friday, 3 May

Irish banks have surprised the experts by not passing on an ECB interest rate cut to their variable rate mortgage customers.

“I’m quite shocked,” a leading economist said. “I was sure they’d do the right thing.”

“You’d miss the days when bankers stole from the rich and gave to the poor,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said.

“You guys crack me up,” Richie Boucher, an out-and-out banker, said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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9 Comments
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    Mute Joan Featherstone
    Favourite Joan Featherstone
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    Feb 13th 2014, 8:58 AM

    What a super gesture and that hotel is in a beautiful spot. Well done!

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    Mute Robbie Doyle
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    Feb 13th 2014, 9:03 AM

    This is the type of spirit we should be working towards and aspiring to as a country rather than promoting peoples apparent selfishness.

    389
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    Mute Neal •IntoYourHead
    Favourite Neal •IntoYourHead
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    Feb 25th 2014, 11:09 AM

    Okay, relax there and stop judging us all.

    1
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    Mute Alison Irving
    Favourite Alison Irving
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    Feb 13th 2014, 10:46 AM

    Yesterday evening getting on the bus I realised there was no money on my Leap card & I didnt have enough change for the fare – bus driver let me off with the extra because he “couldn’t leave you out there in that weather”. Thanks Dublin Bus!!

    375
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    Mute Ryan Freeman
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    Feb 13th 2014, 9:21 AM

    Session!

    132
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    Mute Darren Callaghan
    Favourite Darren Callaghan
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    Feb 13th 2014, 10:00 AM

    Power Cut, lock in at the Glendalough Hotel during a storm, damn it why didn’t I buy house in Laragh

    110
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    Mute Sean Scanlon
    Favourite Sean Scanlon
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    Feb 13th 2014, 1:57 PM

    I did

    15
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    Mute Daisy Chainsaw
    Favourite Daisy Chainsaw
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    Feb 13th 2014, 11:03 AM

    Whitford House Hotel in Wexford posted something similar. I don’t know if they provided any freebies, but there are worse places to while away a bad evening!

    (*not related or affiliated. I just like the place.)

    100
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    Mute aisling doyle
    Favourite aisling doyle
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    Feb 13th 2014, 11:55 AM

    Love it too :) always a great place to go — great to see people been nice

    39
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    Mute Shanti
    Favourite Shanti
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    Feb 13th 2014, 11:26 AM

    I saw a lot of these types of gestures on Facebook last night – including this one..
    Nice to see that sense of community is still with us.. Unlike the garden furniture and a few sheds..

    76
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    Mute Deborah Carroll
    Favourite Deborah Carroll
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    Feb 13th 2014, 4:43 PM

    Lovely to see them helping out, unlike a certain shop in Newcastle West charging 80 euro for a camping stove this morning…

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    Mute Neal •IntoYourHead
    Favourite Neal •IntoYourHead
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    Feb 25th 2014, 11:11 AM

    That seems quite reasonable for a camping stove.

    1
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    Mute Barry Aston
    Favourite Barry Aston
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    Feb 13th 2014, 3:17 PM

    Great hotel in all truth. Used to lack a bit years ago but is now top notch. Spent 4 days there last week. They are sound staff and the chef is fairly handy too.

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    Mute Jacinta O'Shaughnessy Foley
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    Feb 13th 2014, 10:32 AM

    Brilliant marketing stategy!

    37
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    Mute Mary Blake
    Favourite Mary Blake
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    Feb 13th 2014, 5:37 PM

    Fantastic well done we all need a little help sometimes

    23
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    Mute AICS (Steve Tracey)
    Favourite AICS (Steve Tracey)
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    Feb 13th 2014, 7:29 PM

    Possibly was a marketing, PR strategy. Does that make it any less pf a good thing? I supposevsome people will always find a way of belittling helpful actions.

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    Mute David Giles
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    Feb 14th 2014, 6:02 AM

    Virtue brings its own reward.

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    Mute Gerard Creedon
    Favourite Gerard Creedon
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    Feb 13th 2014, 12:28 PM

    Great thinkin can’t lose wit dat PR !!

    11
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    Mute Gobblor
    Favourite Gobblor
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    Feb 13th 2014, 3:48 PM

    wit dat?

    Red thumb for being a moron.

    23
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