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IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
TDs admit getting ‘carried away’ with 3D printer
Monday, 6 May
Leinster House is running out of room to store arses after the Government admitted to getting carried away with the State’s only 3D printer.
“We had to make sure it worked so we photocopied our arses,” a TD explained.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
An eyewitness said there were now more arses than usual running rampant around the Dáil with no regard for parliamentary democracy.
Free GP care for long-term well by 2014
Tuesday, 7 May
The Government is finalising plans to provide free GP care for all healthy citizens by 2014.
The long-term well will receive GP cards which will entitle them to free GP care once they remain well.
Any of the long-term well who become ill will forfeit the cards as a matter of course.
“If a well person becomes ill that would be regarded as a breach of contract,” a Department of Health spokesman said. “We would take a dim view of that.”
Political aides acted on own initiative when making potholes
Wednesday, 9 May
Several Fine Gael TDs have insisted they had no idea their parliamentary assistants had been digging potholes in their constituencies.
One TD said his assistant had acted on his own and was not encouraged to do so by the gift of a Kango Hammer.
“That was a DIY gift from me on his birthday,” the TD explained. “I never thought he’d use it to make potholes.”
Gardaí say they are investigating allegations against nine parliamentary assistants accused of deliberately making potholes so their TDs could then get them filled in.
“Even if nine of our assistants did this, they were all acting on their own initiative,” another TD insisted.
It is not thought that this case is related to the case of another aide who got rid of newspapers that carried a negative article about his TD.
Plan for child benefit to fund children’s prisons welcomed
Thursday, 9 May
A Government plan to divert child benefit to fund extra prison places for children has received widespread approval from parents and children.
The plan follows reports that children aren’t getting custodial sentences as there is nowhere to put them.
“It’s a disgrace that my son can’t go to prison until he’s 18,” a parent said. “It’s discrimination.”
Many children also approved of the plan.
“It’d be nice to see some of the children’s allowance spent on children for a change,” a child explained. “I bet they’ve Fifa 13 in prison.”
Fine Gael TDs to insult each other as Twitter practice
Friday, 10 May
Fine Gael TDs have been encouraged to insult each other to get them used to using social media.
Digital media experts have told the party’s TDs that this would be an ideal preparation for interacting with the public on Twitter.
“Phil Hogan has taken to it like a duck to water,” a Fine Gael TD said. “But Enda can be a bit sensitive.”
“It would be helpful if members of the public would take the time to insult Fine Gael TDs whenever you happen to come across them,” a digital media expert said.
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I drive a taxi and for many reasons I don’t belive it’s a job for a woman. I would hate to see my wife or daughter drive a taxi. And before I’m bashed I am not sexest
You clearly are a sexist if you believe women are too weak to drive a taxi. You didn’t say they were weak but that is clearly what you are inferring
Implying, damn it.
No Philip I’m not ! But keep trying
Ah I see your Twitter has been suspended Philip Hogan bit of a troll are you hiding behind false names !
Just curious, what exactly are you saying?
OK Mr Weddingcar, why shouldn’t women drive taxis?
Because of the Philip Hogans off this world !!
That doesn’t even make sense. You don’t think your wife and daughter are capable of driving a taxi. Is it any wonder that feminism is so aggressive when your misogyny is so engrained
Are you busy tonight, weddingcar?
I dunno. All the other car jackings had male taxi drivers. Is the experience less terrifying as a man? I wouldn’t say so.
I wouldn’t think it would be either. If they take the car and let you go unharmed it’s the only good thing to come out of a car jacking.
Why I wouldn’t like my wife etc driving is because you are dealing with people at their worst late at night drunk or worse on drugs. It’s hard enough without having guys trying it on or been intimidating which would and does happen with female drivers.
Day time work wouldn’t be to bad but nights would be a disaster waiting to happen.
what do you mean it’s not a job for a woman? you didn’t really say why :L
So what you ate saying is that you would rather see women treated like glass, always kept away from danger. Give them a bit more credit. They might surprise you
James and Philip grow up !
but…i was asking a legit question. im not trying to be mean or cheeky
He is concentrating on his new big job in Europe from now on…
I’ve never seen one female taxi driver working at night. It’s common sense really.
Daniel there is many
Would you suggest that women don’t work as police or in A&E then? They’d be facing the exact same people. What I’d suggest is taxis that have a partition between the driver at the front and the passenger at the back. You’d have to have fairly thick skin to be a taxi driver, so why shouldn’t a woman be a taxi driver if they’re as thick skinned as the male taxi drivers?
Guys stop trying to prove Wexford limo a sexiest . what he is saying is very true. After a wild night out, most of the time Drank man make trouble at the street…you wont see many woman making trouble at night while they are drank. an drank man has a common issue to harass women. so in a Saturday night, when lots of drank wild mans are in the street, who will not bother about law and order or maybe not in a state of thinking clearly would probably find a woman taxi driver more easy rather than a Man driver. Its just a fact.
@Danny. Your a&e remark just makes no sense. In relation to female gardai, at night time gardai have to work in pairs. The also carry pepper spray, something which taxi drivers are not allowed have.
If working at night was the same as day they wouldn’t have the pairing system.
That young pup deserves the mother and father of a bating when caught..
Wow must admire her bravery for refusing to hand over the keys. May not always have worked out so well. But she definitely showed that chap there’s no messing with her.
I admire her bravery but it was a silly thing to do
This type of crime is going on a weekly basis in dublin. Noting new here
Women taxmen are not that uncommon now.
Women taximen are not that uncommon now.
Bit of an echo here ;)
Here.
Women taxi men maybe even women taxi drivers
Why make a point of the taxi driver’s gender? Is it relevant?
Yes
How?
Fair play for standing her ground. Little cowardly asswipe.
Wow a female taxi driver. It is so amazing that it must be put in the headline
When i saw the title. I new it was up north
Brendan ere you implying that such acts don’t happen south of the border???
Shouldn’t have made any difference if the driver was a man or woman it shouldn’t be happening , why can’t a judge make a statement and send the next attacker down for at least 5 years and this might stop it ?
but unfortunately it is always the case. weaker taxi driver are the easy target.
have your say